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Nogetsu Takimara

PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:26 pm


Takim Vaanshir

- Changes so far -
1 - Skills adjusted and edited (Disarm Edit, Gust of Wind Removed, Trade Rewrite)
2 - Stats Reworked.
3 - History and Personality changed from Dot Points to Script
4 - Personality Overhaul, Major change for Personality to become more scripted then before.
5 - Found someone to become Takim's Firstmate Link below.
6 - History Tweaks, changes showing Takim less Successful before his application to the League. (No second Ship, loss of Reputation)
7 - Addition of Boarder Lines.
8 - Editing to half of history.
9 - History tweaked slightly (No major changes), Additional Information on Birthdate/Zodiac
10 - Finished Status

NB - For any Grammar and spelling errors, Please Quote Directly if you see a big one, but please remember that it might be due to the fact that I am Australian and spell some words different then Americans...
PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:28 pm


User Image
Name Takim Vaanshir
Gender Male
Age 20
D.O.B. November, 2nd
Zodiac Mokos, the Tiger.
Race Human
Hometown Taltharis (World Builder creation Hopeful)
Occupation Taltharis Merchant
From a young age he became a Merchant under his fathers wing, with the trading lanes that their ships travelled defence from Pirates and such required not just the hiring of members of The Asterion League to be Guards, but also required for him to learn the use of weapons.

Apperance
The young man was tall for his age, around 6’1”, though common to many humans living in the world he was slightly taller then most at his Hometown of Taltharis. Due to the cold environment of his Hometown, he has clothed himself in a thick white cloak and gear, part of the Common dress of the town, but in addition a leather amour chest plate was joined with his undershirt (a thick woven cloth) and a large hood that encompasses his face when worn up.
While there is little effect of enough sun to tan ones body at home, his skin had become such after continuous travels by sea, away from the frozen 'world' he came from, in the end he much resembled a Western/Asian in color. From a young age he was quick to grow facial hair, he normally shaves it clean, but rarely cuts his hair, which had become greatly ragged…
Clothing Reference Face Reference

Personality
On the surface he is seen as a highly composed, resourceful and respected young man, with the ability to be good at what he does. He commits himself completely to his trades, be it Blade, Coin or Life. Being hard on himself, pushing to that further then his limits allow, which has helped him succeed at such a young age.
It is from his youth he developed this front, a mask to hide from the certain amounts of unsaid expectations that is received from being the first born of his family.

One of these expectations was to continue the family tradition of starting his life as a Taltharian Merchant and in doing so came under his fathers training, what was not seen what that he had a knack for creating minor holes to say, in a what was a fair trade to a inclined trade for himself. These opportunities would increase the current income and such while not seeming that large. The growth of this skill has brought him to many market stalls and discover many things worth every coin paid, even selling it later for a larger profit. One to ‘never miss the forest for the trees' he haggles and gains deals that would not have normally existed.

But it was from this very lifestyle that his personality left him very independent and proud to accept help when offered, turning it away even at times when it greatly needed. It is this independence that has left him a little emotionally challenged and such, showing that around times that are difficult or highly charged situations, he starts to speak out with stupid and random comments.

Sometimes due to these comments, though harmless at first, people can begin to see him as insensitive and uncaring of their own problems, but this is only a passing moment. It is because of his growth and the high independence he has through his life, it seems that he acts for himself first, but this is far from the truth. Through his actions he cares for others first, one who while being independent, will stop and help someone up before moving on. These actions though so small that it become unnoticeable at times, leaves him with the selfish out look many see in his darker side, few ever getting the whole picture the first time.

History
It was something that his father, Thalis Vaanshir, had told him many times before, 'We Trade on the seas, therefore we fight the seas.', this meant that as a merchant you are challenged not just by those who sort for profit such as pirates, but the sea itself is an opponent.
From a young age his father taught him the rules of the sea and that of the coin, teaching his son all he knew. User ImageLater Takim's younger brother, Garath -17 at present, and younger sister, Talli - 14 at present, joined the Family business. It was through these lessons that Takim developed his skill at Trade and seamanship, helping him to speed his life forward.

The Vaanshir family is 10th strongest family in Taltharis, their lineage rolling back to the founding of the town. Nearly all of his generation were Traders, sailing the lanes from the Mining town of Talthrais to the Port Cities of the south, those of the Vaanshir Family are taught that there is only appearance that differentiates themselves from the next, we all bleed and die, so there was no Taboo from trading in any port that would take their goods, except that of a Pirates Port seeing as they would rather take it for free then purchase the goods.

It was for the Pirates, and the high demand and quality of the Goods from Taltharis that the merchants that traveled the lanes from this mining town developed combative skills. It was also common that they would Hire Asterion League members to protect they ships on the return voyage after a high rate income. For it was the Ship on return that attracted the most attacks. On one such voyage Takim experienced battle for the first time and afterwards developed his own style that he had adjusted from a Pirate that stood the longest.

From the beginning he had become adept with a blade, commonly a light sword made for the agility (Wazakashi/Scimitar). And though he was under training to become a Merchant, it was part of it to work as a Ships Guard to experience battle and train to defend oneself and your crew, it was after his first sea battle he began to developed his skill with a handgun that was ‘commandeered’ from the many a pirates that had attacked their ships. The training to synchronize his attacks used much of the travel time between ports, spending many days and nights on deck practicing. And when at home he spent any time he could away from his fathers lessons to train on the Snow Plains that brushed against the cliff walls around Town.

After 5 years of teachings and 7 as a apprentice of his father, it was around his 17th birthday, that he was given command of his very own Trade ship, his father offering advice if asked as he continued the training of the younger siblings. A sign that his father believed that the greater part of his Training was complete as his father never had asked much of him except to comply to the many orders abroad his ship and that of the lessons on Trade.

Over the next few years he developed his skills in Trade, buying and selling not only between Taltharis and the South Ports but to the extended Ports to the east and west, the year before his 20th Takim began to make more and more travels between his hometown to load his ship with the resources found there. It was also around this year he had received a letter or recommendation from an old friend.

The friend was requesting that he hire on a Young Pennier Ambient Mage named Aurielle V. Bachelot, they said that she was training at becoming a Weather Mage of sorts, her skills in development. Agreeing to take her on he welcomed her aboard his ship, but during their introduction he spent a good 10 minutes trying to pronounce her name. After a couple of months he asked the Young Pennier to be his First Mate, her skills at Seamanship and her own Magic having improved so much. And having a Weather Mage on a ship is a great assistance to have.

Just after his 20th birthday an event had occurred during one trip between his home town and the main Isle of Murzim. A sudden storm appeared without the Pennier Mage's knowledge and without warning it clashed hard against the hull and sails of his ship. With the large loss of his crew and the compleate loss of cargo that was carried at that time, many port merchants began to distrust his seamanship along with many sailors unwilling to sail under him. With the loss of income and the repairs to the ship, a mighty large dent began to appear in his pocket.

It was the one true rule of his family that after one receives the first step from their teacher, be it father, mother or another, the rest of the journey is completed on ones own skills, not from another's hand. This being so, with his reputation going down further then the lost load could ever go, his attempt to re-kindle his Trade lines failed due to mistrust and cash flow problems. Even with the aid of the Pennier it was a few months after the storm that he sold his ship to pay for the crews wage alone, leaving him with little coin in his pocket.

Merchants before him who have reached this point in their life, they come to reassess their lives. It was on one occasion at Aschere of the main Isle of Murzim, he wandered the streets of User ImageMarket Square he thought about his own, with such misfortune to have hit him so hard recently his path looked slightly unclear. So unclear he did not relies where he was until it hit him, seriously. Before him was the doors to the Asterion League, his lost thoughts had brought him to the very doors of which he would have come to, to hire Guards for his ex-Trade ship on the voyages to and from home, those guards who are paid large sums of coin for their work.

It was with this thought he entered those doors, for to restart his journey he needed money, and that could be earned in other ways then trade, many different ways. Besides he might enjoy it...

Common Knowledge
Taltharis Merchants are known to also be deadly fighters of many variations of arms. And it is known that after many years on the seas, half of the Merchant population leave their ships to find another life on land, be it as a Land Merchant or such to even that as a solider, the skill that they gain over their life as a Taltharis Merchant helps many new paths to open.

Personal Information
While rarely home long enough, his younger sister had developed a Hero’s Worship status for her Oldest Brother, mean while his younger brother was becoming a promising Taltharis Merchant.

Nogetsu Takimara


Nogetsu Takimara

PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:31 pm


User ImageDivison Melee/Range Combination
Class Progression Taltharis Merchant > Gun/Blade Fighter > Gunblade Specialist

Taltharis Merchant
A Taltharis Merchant is one who obversely comes from the small Mining town, Taltharis, located to the north of the Grasslands in the Ice capped mountains that run the River Rien. Those who Trade the Routes of the sea are at a constant threat from Pirate attacks, well cause its just that kinda place. But when you add into the fact that the Load from Taltharis is mainly the precious minerals of Iron Ore, Coal, Gold Silver and such to name a few, their trading lanes are closely monitored by those of the sea.
To handle this Taltharis Merchants not only Hire Guards from established groups, such as The Asterion League, but they too learn the use of weapons and combat, even those that take the time learn a few spells for the fun of it. Cheats study the wind paths. Learning the use of any weapon they chose, they spend their time on the seas by practicing with the weapon of choice, polishing their Seamanship skills and even every now and then Trading on the seas themselves. Though many stay on the course of Trade and Seafaring, Many branch to different classes and skills, from soldiering to land work such as farmers and metalworkers...

Melee +4, Ranged +1, Magic/Other +0
HP >> 38, Evade >> 12

Training under his father, Takim developed his skills with the blade. Becoming adapt with them and combat ready by the age of 16. After his first Sea battle he took part in, he observed the final member of the Pirate crew that attacked them stand firm for a good set of minutes by the use of his blade and gun. Taking this into consideration he began training with the simple Flinklock Handguns that had been ‘commandeered’ by the many Pirates that attacked their ships from then on…

Gun/Blade Fighter
After many battle and much practice, one can reload at the same time as defend themselves with a blade. Well an established Gun/Blade Fighter would be one who would achieve that. Though mostly practiced by Pirates and such, the use of both a Gun and a Blade at the same time has become a steady path to take, for one needs to develop the skill of quickly reloading the single shot Flinklock Guns of our time, while if under attack defending and attacking with ones blade. Much agility and slight-of-hand skills are developed through this Path.

Melee +6, Ranged +4, Magic/Other +0
HP >> 44, Evade >> 17

Though battles and practice Takim enhanced his skills with not only his blade but with that of the Flintlock Guns he owned, no loner using that of his commandeered weapons he now carries on him two well crafted handguns, with the slight advancement from that of the crude Pirate styled guns, reload time was cut immensely for Takim, already fast enough to have fired two shots in under 5 minutes. After a while he also developed a move that was surprising and devastating to his opponents, using Gun and Blade at the same time, at point blank range.

Gunblade Specialist
So which is the extension of your arm now, is it the gun in this hand, or the Blade in the other. Maybe they both are, or is it that they are in truth. After a longer time in training, the difference between the attacks from gun and blade become so indifferent that its hard to tell which you began your path on. A Gunblade Specialist can cut just as fast as he fires, well maybe a little faster with the sword, but ones reload time has cut to such a degree that you are almost firing and shooting the next shot in seconds. Well maybe under a minute…

Melee +9, Ranged +6, Magic/Other +0
HP >> 55, Evade >> 21

Cut shoot, cut, reload, cut shoot. This is the common pattern of battle when Takim joins the fray. His Blade still cuts the air, singing its song of death. But now the two Flintlock handguns give that tune a beat. After so long he has become a deadly fighter, never leaving the main style he had created for himself, his reload time cut to a near nothing in comparison to the first time he picked up a gun. User ImageNot only has his skill with his weapons increased but so has his speed with everything else, it seems that he is a blur on the battle field sometime, opponents falling for no reason before Takim even reaches them with his blade. Not many can stand to the damage this man can now create.

Special Skills
Bonus Human Skill - Attack Multiple Targets: Using not only his blade to strike is opponents he can fire his Flintlock at another to hit more than one target in a single round. Take a -2 penalty to your total per additional enemy targeted. This skill does not need to be magical in nature. There is no point requirement.

Level 1 - Disarm: After many hours of practice Takim developed the skill to disarm a foe within 5 feet of himself. Upon successful action (d20+melee - opponent's evade), roll a second d20 to determine if foe is properly disarmed. Chance of disarming foe increases per level.
Level 1: 1-14 >> Failure, 15-20 >> Success! Your foe drops his weapon.
Level 2: 1-12 >> Failure, 13-20 >> Success! Your foe drops his weapon.
Level 3: 1-10 >> Failure, 11-20 >> Success! Your foe drops his weapon.
If disarmed, the target must take one round retrieving their weapon and may not use their bonus until then. This skill does not perform damage. There is no point requirement.

Also at Level 3 the use of ones gun can be used to knock the opponents weapon from hand at a greater distance 20/15 feet.
"Successful action is instead determined using (d20+ranged- opponent's evade)." as it is being done at a distance.
Level 3: 1-16 >> Failure, 17-20 >> Success! Your foe drops his weapon

Level 2- Attack Vital Areas: Takim studied a lot on learning how to target vital areas to cause extra damage to his foes.
When rolling for standard d20 damage, you roll two d20s. The first determines success and damage, while the second determines if the following takes effect:

Level 1: This skill is not available at level 1.
Level 2: 1-17 >> No additional damage, 18-20 >> Opponent takes an additional 6 points of damage.
Level 3: 1-16 >> No additional damage, 17-20 >> Opponent takes an additional 9 points of damage.

Level 3 - Signature Move: Takim trained himself at a special move that combines the use of both his Blade and the Flintlock gun to do greater damage to that what is usually perform. Unfortunately this move is exhausting and can not be preformed often, mainly due to the reload time for this skill.
For this special attack you may stack two bonuses, ie. d20+melee+ranged and use this in both determining success of attack as well as damage.
All buffs continue to take effect. At level 2, you can use this skill once per battle.
At level 3 you can use this skill twice per battle, but not consecutively, reload time for this skill.

Narrative Skill - Trade: Being a Merchant by profession, Takim’s skill at finding bargains and haggling the best prices for himself became outstanding. He began to find profit where there was little to gain, and would be able to buy and sell for his gain. Though he is highly skilled at this as a Merchant, as he develops his combative skills for the League his own skills at Trade slip a bit.

Narrative Skill - Seamanship: Aboard a ship was where he learned many of his skills, and seamanship is one of a must. While it has no use on land, Takim’s expertise on Ships help him aid the group and League to outstanding means, and on the chance a Vaanshir Trade Ship has travelled past there is a free ride as a bonus. Being part of his blood as well it never fades from memory, even if he had spent 10years stuck in the middle of nowhere the sea miles off, the moment he boards a ship he will be back to roots and his skills return.


Weapon The single use of a Wazakashi/Scimitar that he had had in his possession since he was young, with the addition of a single Flintlock Hand gun commonly equipped by the Pirates that roam the seas. Two hand guns are User ImagePurchased at the attainment of LvL 2, A set of finely crafted Handguns.
Level One
Point Assignment Melee (4), Ranged (1), Magic/Other (0)
Hit Points 38
Evade 12
Other Notes Takim’s Health and Evade skills are adjusted to the fact that he is both a Range and Melee character therefore he has the strength of his Melee part in junction with the Ranged skills he possesses, though at LvL one he relies mainly on his blade so his Evade rests at a low, while his Health is decreased slightly to still show he uses Range.
Takim’s Siblings are NPC and will rarely be mentioned or RPed, if so they will be colour coded. Garath – Indigo, Talli – Orange.
The Pennier First mate is not NPC and can either be recreated by Myself or any other looking for a Background they can work off.
Disarm via Gun – Due to the inaccuracy of the Flintlock, the failure rate of disarming an opponent via shooting it from their had has been increased immersly, and Takim is only able to attempt it to a degree of success at LvL 3.
Terms to Know
River Rein – The long river flowing from the mountains up north, empting into the Bay.
Talthrais – A mining town that was founded by Humans in search of Rich Mineral Veins, Merchants that call this place home ship the some of the most expensive goods so are often Targets for the Pirates.
Taltharis Merchant - A Taltharis Merchant is one who obversely comes from the small Mining town, Taltharis, located to the north of the Grasslands in the Ice capped mountains that run the River Rien. Though many stay on the course of Trade and Seafaring, Many branch to different classes and skills, from soldiering to land work such as farmers and metalworkers...
PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 7:03 pm


Hi, just skimming through the job class section here. 3nodding I'd prefer if you chose either melee or ranged for your HP/Evade path, but if you want to mix, here's the numbers to take:
HP: 37 > 45 > 55
Evade: 13 > 17 > 21

The Battle skills seem to look good. I'm going to say that for the Disarm modification, add in the following "Successful action is instead determined using (d20+ranged- opponent's evade)." as it is being done at a distance.

I'm confused by the +4/+3/+2 at the end of trade. I'm not sure what they're meant to be modifying, but nothing in narrative skills should have stats. xd

Finally~ Gust of Wind would require magic/other ability and he doesn't have any points devoted there until level 3, so he'll have to wait, or devote a point at level 2. 3nodding

Just to double check, Takim is using a gun in one hand and a sword in the other, not a gun fused with a sword, correct? :3

For the Pennier first mate, if you take this character, I assume you mean you'd create a second concept for it? :3

McFroglegs
Captain

Dapper Werewolf

7,100 Points
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Nogetsu Takimara

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2007 12:39 am


McFroglegs
Hi, just skimming through the job class section here. 3nodding I'd prefer if you chose either melee or ranged for your HP/Evade path, but if you want to mix, here's the numbers to take:
HP: 37 > 45 > 55
Evade: 13 > 17 > 21

OK first off, isn't that what I did, well give or take a few points on what you surgestted its Blibbing close...
HP: 38 > 44 > 58
Evade: 12 > 17 > 22
The stats were divided to show that at the 1st LvL he is mostly Melee, so pretty high HP and low Evade
LvL two he is pretty much what you said low 1Hp
But in LvL i couldn't work that out to a degree worth it, like he has high HP and Good amount of evade, but I can easily lower it, no matter...


McFroglegs

The Battle skills seem to look good. I'm going to say that for the Disarm modification, add in the following "Successful action is instead determined using (d20+ranged- opponent's evade)." as it is being done at a distance.

That sounds great, when I make my profile I edit it with that... Kinda what I was after aswell. but couldn't work it out myself in the short time........ Um, how should I rewrite it... MIND BLANK!!! crying

McFroglegs

I'm confused by the +4/+3/+2 at the end of trade. I'm not sure what they're meant to be modifying, but nothing in narrative skills should have stats. xd

Yeah Well that was a last minute addition before loggin off, kinda was going to discribe it a bit better, saying that he lost his great skill of trade, like if it was a roll (Which i know its not) there would be a higher success when he is LvL 1 and lowers each LvL


McFroglegs

Finally~ Gust of Wind would require magic/other ability and he doesn't have any points devoted there until level 3, so he'll have to wait, or devote a point at level 2. 3nodding

He does have a single point in LvL 2...
Becasue its not used in Battle, I was saying that he truly finds no need to use it as a Merchant that much, but thinks about it a bit to a degree that he restuddies it, need to rewrite the descrip of that skill. Also thinking of discarding it...

McFroglegs

Just to double check, Takim is using a gun in one hand and a sword in the other, not a gun fused with a sword, correct? :3

Yeah, its one in each hand, no FFVIII stuff ok... wink Anyway, to complicated to discribe how the FLinklock mechinisum would work if attached to a sword, she no Revolver and such...
McFroglegs

For the Pennier first mate, if you take this character, I assume you mean you'd create a second concept for it? :3

Sorry to be a bit rude but, DAH... I did read the rules...
PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2007 1:15 am


Oh and where is a good site to get fancy styled Boarders and such...

Nogetsu Takimara


McFroglegs
Captain

Dapper Werewolf

7,100 Points
  • Hygienic 200
  • Junior Trader 100
  • Signature Look 250
PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2007 7:38 am


Nogetsu Takimara
McFroglegs
Hi, just skimming through the job class section here. 3nodding I'd prefer if you chose either melee or ranged for your HP/Evade path, but if you want to mix, here's the numbers to take:
HP: 37 > 45 > 55
Evade: 13 > 17 > 21

OK first off, isn't that what I did, well give or take a few points on what you surgestted its Blibbing close...
HP: 38 > 44 > 58
Evade: 12 > 17 > 22
The stats were divided to show that at the 1st LvL he is mostly Melee, so pretty high HP and low Evade
LvL two he is pretty much what you said low 1Hp
But in LvL i couldn't work that out to a degree worth it, like he has high HP and Good amount of evade, but I can easily lower it, no matter...

No need to get defensive, this isn't a scolding. 3nodding My concern here is the 58 HP and 22 Evade - in our system, you get high HP or you get high Evade, you don't get both. This is done to keep things fair and balanced for all players. My suggestion is to pick which is more important to you - HP or Evade and choosing the path that favors that.

Quote:
McFroglegs

The Battle skills seem to look good. I'm going to say that for the Disarm modification, add in the following "Successful action is instead determined using (d20+ranged- opponent's evade)." as it is being done at a distance.

That sounds great, when I make my profile I edit it with that... Kinda what I was after aswell. but couldn't work it out myself in the short time........ Um, how should I rewrite it... MIND BLANK!!! crying

Just add in the note about ranged being the determiner rather than melee. sweatdrop

Quote:
McFroglegs

I'm confused by the +4/+3/+2 at the end of trade. I'm not sure what they're meant to be modifying, but nothing in narrative skills should have stats. xd

Yeah Well that was a last minute addition before loggin off, kinda was going to discribe it a bit better, saying that he lost his great skill of trade, like if it was a roll (Which i know its not) there would be a higher success when he is LvL 1 and lowers each LvL

Ahkay. I suggest just dropping the stats and saying his skill declines. 3nodding


Quote:
McFroglegs

Finally~ Gust of Wind would require magic/other ability and he doesn't have any points devoted there until level 3, so he'll have to wait, or devote a point at level 2. 3nodding

He does have a single point in LvL 2...
Becasue its not used in Battle, I was saying that he truly finds no need to use it as a Merchant that much, but thinks about it a bit to a degree that he restuddies it, need to rewrite the descrip of that skill. Also thinking of discarding it...

If the point was there, I'm sorry. I must have scrolled back too much and confused it with the level 1 distribution. 3nodding
Quote:
McFroglegs

Just to double check, Takim is using a gun in one hand and a sword in the other, not a gun fused with a sword, correct? :3

Yeah, its one in each hand, no FFVIII stuff ok... wink Anyway, to complicated to discribe how the FLinklock mechinisum would work if attached to a sword, she no Revolver and such...

Okay. 3nodding
Quote:
McFroglegs

For the Pennier first mate, if you take this character, I assume you mean you'd create a second concept for it? :3

Sorry to be a bit rude but, DAH... I did read the rules...

Again, no need to get defensive, I just have to check these things. 3nodding
PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2007 7:08 pm


Forgive me I was not being defensive I just speak like that, if it were face to face my tone would not have shown an defensive feelings...

Gottacha about the HP/Evade stuff, wish my brain was working the other day and I would have seen that myself...

Removing Gust Of Wind Skill

Rewriting the Trade Skill...

Oh and Faithom (Aurielle V. Bachelot) has agreed to become the Pennier first mate. Wow, I was writing the History first and I was right, that name will be hard to pronounce for myself... wink

Yeah sorry again about being defensive... sweatdrop
Its not meant to be seen that way...

Nogetsu Takimara


fartclops
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 10:59 pm


Nogetsu,

Please check out the approved concept folder and the finished journals to see what we are looking for in terms of concept formatting. What you have so far is just a bulleted skeleton, and we need everything to be in third person narrative in order to approve.

As is, however, some members of the staff are having a very hard time understanding what you've presented. There are a lot of errors in grammar and in prose that make the content difficult to understand. When writing the application in narrative form, please be sure to check it for grammar and spelling errors - not just by using Microsoft Word, because it rarely works well at all. Try having someone in a writing forum look over the app for you - the best way to proofread is to have a real person do it.

We will better be able to comment on your application when it has been written in narrative. 3nodding
PostPosted: Tue Jul 03, 2007 5:52 pm


My bad, been meaning to do that, things coming up else where have left me forgetting...
Other then the history and such in the first post, what was the other problems...

Nogetsu Takimara


fartclops
Vice Captain

Mega Goat

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  • Cats vs Dogs 100
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 11:56 am


PERSONALITY
It seems all that's been changed here from what Takim started with was remove the plus signs that made it into bullets. Please fill this out a bit more, because I really feel like this only scrapes the surface of Takim’s personality and he doesn’t have any real concrete personality traits.

What you’ve described is a person who can be composed or goofy, whose mood fluctuates based on the situation and stress. This can basically describe anyone. I would suggest developing Takim’s opportunistic traits further – his haggling and stopping at all sorts of stores.

Also, please take a look at the approved concepts and accepted journals. Takim’s personality is written in a different style – third person past tense in areas, it seems. What we’re looking for is a description of Takim in the present; you can find examples of this in all of the approved concepts and journals.

HISTORY
I'm a little concerned that Takim won't be spending much time within Aschere, since he's busy elsewhere. Honestly, he doesn't seem like he should have much need to join the Asterion League at all, since he's been written as being powerful and wealthy - it really looks to me like Takim is a level 3 character and not a level 1 character.

I would suggest toning down the grandeur toward the end of his history. Give him a reason to need to be in the Asterion League, because as it is now, the League may think it's a bit odd that a man who owns two ships and captains two full crews wants to join up.

What you have now can be Takim's eventual goal, but as is, he's at the top of his game and there's really no room for exciting character development. The only direction for him to go would be down.

COMMON KNOWLEDGE
I do like the tidbit about the sister, but that would be better to file under "miscellaneous". The common knowledge section is the place to talk about what other Asterion League members would know about your character.

JOB STUFF
Everything in the job section looks OK to me 3nodding
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 12:13 pm


First impressions (I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds)

- I love what you did with the disarm skill. Shooting the weapon out of someone's hand is so classic, it's brilliant to see someone put it to use.

- I'm not sure first aid really fits him as a class skill. There's no real sign of a medical background to back it up in his character. Plus, it seems like you're going for a badass fighter type, and there's so much more you could do with that. Attack Vital Areas, maybe? Last Resort?

- He kind of forgets his merchant roots the second he levels up. It'd almost make more sense if he worked as a guard for a convoy, rather than operated and guarded the convoys himself. You could still get the same flavor out of a "Taltharis Mercenary" as you could from your Merchant, and it'd be more coherent.

As far as I can see, you've laid down a pretty solid foundation for a great fighter class archetype, and I'd love to see you with a good character to match.

dropdadgbe

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Nogetsu Takimara

PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 7:02 pm


Working on my personality and doing a bit of a this and that to the history...
Will want to have someone look at the possible change to the attack vital areas with the skills...

Oh and the Trade Skill is not forgotten it just slips...
For example if it had a stat number Trade boost for Takim would go like this
+4/+3/+2
PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 8:48 pm


Hey there! Not commenting on everything at the moment, just the modification to Attack Vital Areas.

I'm gonna say no to the modification. It makes things more complicated than they need to be and there's nothing stating that the standard skill can't be used with ranged. So, the standard skill applies for all situations and no extension is necessary.

3nodding

Regent Tolbire


Nogetsu Takimara

PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 9:35 pm


Regent Tolbire
Hey there! Not commenting on everything at the moment, just the modification to Attack Vital Areas.

I'm gonna say no to the modification. It makes things more complicated than they need to be and there's nothing stating that the standard skill can't be used with ranged. So, the standard skill applies for all situations and no extension is necessary.

3nodding

Thanks, just thinking it over myself...
Was going to remove it when I came back on tomorrow because I wasn't going to come on today again...
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