Hmmm, this is going to be interesting critiquing, as the normal advice for poems seems to be "limit your number of adjectives, use strong verbs and nouns," something this form may go against. Also there's the matter of this being more free association, the mind goes from one quality of a noun to another. I think this kind of poem may help one to brainstorm and to get a better feel for transitioning from one subject to another (even if they are similiar, note the connotative differences
wink )
Sylphi - I enjoyed how you employed the suggestion of the bomb dropping and detonating in line 3, then continued the destruction in line 5. It did strike me as kind of odd how you put the atom bomb between Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the cities are in the right order, but to have the bomb between them? Also in the bridge between Uranium and Plutonium (heh, I think of the order of the planets for some reason), I'm not so sure the reason behind Plutonium being associated with "Deadly American," (Besides that we dropped the bombs, but that's kind of obvious when you mention those cities and the reader knows a little bit history) both can be used as nuclear fuels, but I don't think the uranium becomes plutonium after detonation, it would form lesser elements. However, I do think it is possible to process uranium at a nuclear power plant to make plutonium, and that plutonium is a more effective fuel. Are americans too radioactive and explosive?
LaverneTerres - Hmm, this is interesting, at first I thought you were talking about a domestic dispute in an apartment, but the mention of heaven modifies words such as turbulent. I liked how these words worked together as a unit:
turbulent high
reconciling, flirting
With upper-low down, I kind of get a sense that you're making a larger comparision, that of a gritty urban environment to heaven (or some deal going on). Making the upper low down the highest part of heaven, indeed this sounds turbulent. Hmm, I'm not so keen on hazing however, it has that college, military school connotation that seems out of place, and is blaming necessary if you've already mentioned reconciled? Crossing is interesting, makes me think of religion or crossing the street, hmm, and grazing might involve grass as well as fists, this contort makes me think of twisting a woman's arm. This may be one of those poems where everybody is going to pull away with a different picture, I think the downside of this form is that it's going to be difficult to be concrete, we'll see.
Schlaq_03 - Hmm, is justice truth, or the will of the king?
wink Reliable and dependable are just about the same thing for me, maybe cut one of those? Believing and faithful may also be close to that, if this were another type of poetry, I might think about "a believer in God" or "a faithful wife," so there can be some difference, especially if a quality is commonly associated with one thing or another. Healing and informing I liked, though again, honest is awfully close to truth and genuine, but might be different with an honest face.
Yes, you do have a pretty solid block of words related to true, but could you suggest something else while going with truth? Like if I wanted to suggest the faithfulness of a wife, I might work my way over to white, lacy, feminine dress materials, satiny or silky. If truth informs me, I might try to work over to suggestions of mouth, lips or speech. Confessing or telling, perhaps?
[Alphabravo] - Nice Rene Descarte modification, I wonder if it would be possible to include his comparision of animals to machines as well? I liked your combination of "Uncoiling, erupting" as it gives my mind an image somewhere between a snake popping out of one of those gag cans and a volcano erupting, that's a fairly concrete way of representing your ego or your mind (Hmm, as I recall, the ego balances the needs of the id, and the rules of the superego. I think Id would go well with a snake and a fiery blast). Cogent might go well with cogs, though I'm not so keen on intangible or writhing (snakes again? I had those in mind before!), hmm, the mind might be intangible, and writhing may have a little sex, but they're not quite hitting the bell for me.
In the middle, are those four words really objects that you're sifting through? And is the dash somekind of bolt, the piece that flew out from the volcano? I think there: - (Seems like you have produced a something, or that your thoughts have produced you.)
LilyPichu - Mother and love seems like a rather approachable comparison, something most folks can relate to. I like how you added further contrast here by making her tired (as opposed to children, who are usually active), and I get the visual of a mother looking in on her children when they're in bed after she's pulled a long late shift of work.
I suggest:
seeking, gazing, peering
weeping, smiling, dying
Maybe chop "seeking" and "gazing," and maybe "dying." However, this isn't the law, as I think with these words you do suggest that the mother is searching for something in life, trying to balance her own career dreams with taking care of the kids, and even if it's too much strain doing both, hence the dying, she still does it any way.
So it may be okay as it is ^_^
shadowfirewhisper - Hmm, indeed there can be a bit of difference between heartache and loss, to me the former seems to be more suggestive of a relationship, the latter, death. Maybe develop a contrast, after loss you might be alone, but with heartache the other person may still be present. Perhaps Loss : Alone, Heartache : Together. Maybe pair heartache : outgoing, Loss : withdrawn. A person can be outgoing and hurting on the inside, I think with this kind of juxtaposition you can demonstrate a more complex kind of hurt.
Barboxacon - Lines and bars, might be something there in turning a supermarket scene into a prison. I get a number of images from this, a wooden ship, bones, a hospital's kind of sterility, fencing. Content moderate may point to the rank and file who spend their downtime at bars and such. Stay the course? Are the lines being used to direct the sails of a ship? Is it the sun blazing and bleaching something, or is the ship being set on fire? Blaring suggests to me a sound, or something that's difficult to look upon. Do the sterile structures have the quality of a sun? How can something steam after being bleached (dry)? Or is this a chemical bleaching?
Es~Wird~Kalt - Interesting word choice on the first and last line, at first I thought your were going from lips to a naughtier variety of lips, but lo and behold, labrum appears to be the mouthparts of some spider or insect. I get the feeling that one person is tempting and the other is giving into the temptation (two women). Good use of consonance.
Mooglechild - Interesting combination with nonliving and barbaric, I usually think of barbaric as more back to nature and nonliving more scientific, nonliving rock. Hmm, a reason for using bleeding and blood, is the person commiting the murders bleeding while they make others bleed? I think "terrifying passion" may make "addicting" unnecessary. "Wounding evil" is this person killing because they being they are doing the right thing?
Nolah de Fanel - Hmm, insanity, a common term used in poetry around the OP/L, but not often well explored. I like your inclusion of "Discombobulated," actually it might be more interesting to end on that note than just plain old insanity. (Discombobulation? This also might be a stronger word than "confused"
wink
Epiphanies and freefalling isn't a bad combination, makes me think of manic depressives, one minute they're the king of the world, then the next they're huddled in a little ball. However, should they be agitated after being medicated?
delirious and melancholy are also an interesting combination, the former strikes me as feverish while the latter is naturally more blue, sometimes it helps to think in word colors for suggestivity, might want to check out other critiques for what I've said about that.
Seeking, misleading, exploring
Not sure if I've so keen on how this is put, while a crazy person can be "searching for something" because they're broken in the head, this might not be quite the same as the soul-searching other folks do. I think I read somewhere that while slight mental illness may add to creativity, people with major problems really have trouble with intellectual pursuits (being so tormented by their condition and such). Therefore, I got to put a little question mark beside this idea of crazy people as explorers.
[-E r i n n-] - Jewish realm of the dead? That's a nice specific. And good pairing of lines 2 and 6. But why would cursing and sinning happen after the everlasting judgement? And doesn't one venerate before getting to heaven? Men can be in awe of something, but would souls be? Is religion placed directly before the judgement to demonstrate that it is a kind of security against the results? And don't some people go to heaven or Sheol before the apocalypse?
Lorelle - Hmm, I like the combination of "social symphony," it seems to indicate that the lone song one person listens to can be much more in their ears, a symphony of life. There's listening and thinking, so a song can generate rational thought as well as an emotional response.
Raven_Blackwing - hmm, this one might be a little bit of a rule bender, as you have a noun at the beginning and a quality of the rose at the end. I won't say this is necessary a bad thing, because it is suggested that the initial rose is a fresh one. (Heck, when you just use the word rose, without anything else attached to it, I think most people will visualize this vibrant red flower with a green stem and perhaps thorns, they'll assume it is like that until you get to "drying and dying" I also found it interesting that you choose to push back "young" and place it right against "old" instead of employing it at the beginning like some might. I think this helps highlight the unusual vigor sometimes brought about a deathly fever, the waxing and waning of the life force before the time of death.
Perhaps tease out some more meaning in the difference between touch and feel. For some reason I think that you have touch for the giver of the touch and feel for the receiver of the touch.
Kiria Delusional Kitty - 13th century font style? Interesting! However, I think for most readers, littera bastarda at first glance is going to have the feel of a contrast to beautiful. Maybe play more on that low borne simplification of style and how that can also be beautiful?
Hmm, I'm not sure if its wise to follow up ornate with ornamenting, maybe one or the other?
GinTsuki - Ah, the quiet lady of the moon, the aggressive gentleman of hell, something of a Yin and Yang going on here. Also interesting is that one would think mistress and master were of the same socio-economic class, perhaps in somekind of troubled relationship, but I am unsure as to the reasons why the male is into self-destruction while the female waits. Beyond it possibly being a statement of how the sexes generally behave...you know it's a bit of a stereotype to portray women as quiet and males as demons...
Hmm, I think of a mistress either watching the moon (romantic symbolism) or perhaps she literally is a moon, a moon that then falls in a way that parallels Lucifer's descent, as the moon falls, it becomes a sun, the female transforms into male. Perhaps it would be interesting to have the master end up looking up at the sun, to parallel the lady looking at the moon. Maybe use "Fiery" somewhere.
Yui_Himiko - I think I'd move Well-mannered up the beginning of line two and possibly set "Highly respected" aside, it's a bit of a mouthful (or go with just "respected"
wink . I'm kind of left wondering if this Princess is a slave to her status or if the poem is meant to trickle down to the lowest commoner. Yes, you list a number of human qualities about this girl in the second half, but why wouldn't she be human? Maybe emphasize how her public face is professional or cold, to contrast the firey emotions she fights for.
Lord Andarel - Night and sleep, a little bit of death and dreams mixed in here as well. I found it interesting how you transitioned from hopes to dreams to sleep (Imagine what would happen if hopes and sleep didn't have that bridge, a hopeful sleep could be a deathwish) Releasing is also well placed before: Shadows, Whispers, Thoughts, Feelings. However, I'm not so sure how well "Granting" works before it. Also note that whispers and whispering could be redundant, unless you want a lot of whispers that is.
Naiinii - Maybe use "The End." for the last line. It actually hit me with a little comedic punch there, the end can be menacing, or the happy ending of a story. I get the sense that the author looks up at the night sky with both a sense of wonder and with the fear of the unknown, sacred might tie into that a little bit (Being in awe or in fear of greater powers)
Mooglechild - As much as putting love and hate together causes my whiskers to twitch, I do get a fairly good impression of "heart attack" from this.
Caring, Living, Beating
bleeding, breaking, healing,
Perhaps flip healing and bleeding to match the positions of caring and beating? (Beating could be used to suggest domestic abuse as well as heart beating, maybe explore that method of heart + attack a bit more.)
Aila-al-Jehan - Hmm, abstract, but different. "sudden, upsetting, and wonderful" (or joyful) seemed to be appropriate for any great change in life. Breaking and flashing could suggest breaking waves and thunderstorm, though I'm not 100% on that point. "Revealing" might be questionable on grounds of unnecessary repetition, and I kind of wonder of you could add a little more of a religious quality to go along with "Revelations."
"Overwhelming perception of reality" is an odd passage, one that reminds me somewhat of nuns who experience "the rapture." In some ways it might be beating around the bush of what the author wishes to say, but it might work well if you combined it with an overwhelming visual. Flashing or fleeting images/kites might not be enough, but maybe with a cliff overlooking an ocean, something where you can see for miles.
_-_imupsidedown - One good rule to keep in mind, if you say you're awful, you stand a good chance of rubbing it off into the reader. Be confident! I always figured I had nowhere to go but up
surprised
Okay, you have contrasts, a love that lasts forever and a one night stand, seems like a lot of beginning poets, myself included, have possessed a love for these great opposites at one time or another. However, you want to try to steer away from comparisions that have been tapped out, the whole thing about cliches, if you don't add something new...new ground isn't being broken. I'd suggest focusing in on two aspects of love and lust, like what you were getting at with hiding vs. touching (or being exposed). Exposure might be a nice word to fool around with, you could die of exposure, and perhaps instead of hide, try burrow. Try to suggest a hotel, a beach, or a rocky crag. Not the easiest thing to do with the qualities focus of this form, but still you could try sandy or rocky.
Aila-al-Jehan - Hmm, abstract, but different. "sudden, upsetting, and wonderful" (or joyful) seemed to be appropriate for any great change in life. Breaking and flashing could suggest breaking waves and thunderstorm, though I'm not 100% on that point. "Revealing" might be questionable on grounds of unnecessary repetition, and I kind of wonder of you could add a little more of a religious quality to go along with "Revelations."
"Overwhelming perception of reality" is an odd passage, one that reminds me somewhat of nuns who experience "the rapture." In some ways it might be beating around the bush of what the author wishes to say, but it might work well if you combined it with an overwhelming visual. Flashing or fleeting images/kites might not be enough, but maybe with a cliff overlooking an ocean, something where you can see for miles.
cutthisskin - Messages from the television is a nice pivot to use with insanity, especially with all those drug commericals, equating the doctors to the voices is a nifty idea. The only trouble with this subject matter is that I see a lot of poetry that makes casual use of schizophrenia, it may be improved if you ended with madness, with the enjambment it would give you:
Medicine, Therapy Madness!
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