MY CHILD
I Hear Anja’s Poem
I hear Anja’s poem inside of me
I would talk to my sister but she’s only three.
So this is for her but also for me.
Poetry sets all my problems free.
It’s the most spiritual way to pray for me.
I confess my wrongs and find my rights.
So, here’s a poem I wrote one night.
For my sister:
I love you more than all the suns wealth
This makes me wonder about my mental health.
To love a child that is not mine.
If you needed a penny I’d give you a dime.
Maybe one day, I might always be near
But in your heart my voice will be clear.
Despite all the things our mother might say,
Don’t listen, be good, and read what I say.
Mine and your mother are blood-like the same
But the one I knew had cold blood in her veins.
I love her I do
But she made me too sad
Now I will never forgive her
For the times she got mad.
When I told her the truth
She would not listen
Deep down inside I knew her “Home”
Was my prison.
I had to get out I knew this for years,
But I didn’t have a reason.
Till great joy brought me tears.
I cried for two reasons
One obvious and one unknown
That is until
Mother forced me to the mother’s thrown.
Your Dad helped the most
When he got home.
Mother was sleeping.
The pills she popped made the pain in my poem.
Soon your Dad had enough.
He was through listening to the saddened hymn.
And a couple of times, his anger got the worst of him.
But it was not truly him.
It was the liquor he consumed.
I blame him for drinking and becoming uncontrolled.
But I would have done it too
So I can not complain.
Because your father’s a wonderful person,
Despite his past days.
He tried to help mother
Tried to make it work.
But mother is stubborn,
And did not convert
Her ways in which
She was cruel and a druggy.
One memory I can picture really bugs me.
Mother was so drugged
She stumbled through the kitchen
You saw her and cried
But she was deaf and could not listen.
She went to her room and shut the door.
You looked at me as if to say,
“Doesn’t she love me anymore?”
You were so young and could not understand
How someone that supposedly loves you
Would leave you without a hand.
It broke my heart
To know why you cried.
My hate grew for mother
I wished she had dyed.
All those times she could have dyed...
Should have let her drowned in her cereal bowl
That one time.
The more hate grew in me the meaner I became.
I slapped mom when she passed out in the back yard, cigarette in hand.
If I had a camera... that picture would be in a frame!
I loved you too much
But could not be your mother
This was the role I used to stand.
I used to become so angry I would slap your hand!
And then I heard you cry.
“Oh God,” I would scream, “I want to die!”
But to leave you forever alone with mother...
The thought made me shutter.
So I stayed alive... physically,
But mentally I was dead.
I felt like the caged bird that envies the free.
When your Dad left it was up to me.
To take on the role of two parents.
I was almost thirteen!
To make it clear, Your Dad left the home.
But he had visitation... He didn’t just leave you for Rome!
My education no longer mattered.
I missed 52 days!
Not all at once but still,
My brain became shattered.
I was to stay home.
Because Mom couldn’t wake up.
So many God damn excuses!!
I began to see the lies under her make up.
Another memory makes me want to kill her.
It was a school morning.
And I was waiting for my ride to Potter.
Mother was literally DEAD asleep.
I put ice in her bed... not even a peep.
My ride was honking, you were crying
I went into panic put you in the rockabye swing, kissed you, and left.
I STILL feel like dying!!!!!!!!!!!
Worried all day!
What if you’d drowned!
In the bottle I left for you.
What would Mom do to me if she woke up and you were dead-found?!
Mother was mad all the time
Even though she took 4 anti-depressants.
But all she needed was an anti-debitch-net.
Mom was angry because the whole family hated her.
She, of course, blamed me. I just HAD to be lying to her.
She justified her pills. Said she was in pain.
I learned it was all in her head.
So I quit her stupid game.
I quit by ignoring her,
She then yelled at me.
I quit by not respecting her,
She then slapped me.
I quit by telling her the truth,
The beatings began.
The more she continued the more I snapped back.
I began to see I had strength.
What she didn’t want me to see.
So when her fist came,
I blocked her from hitting me.
I felt overpowering
I felt I had one!
Until she made me eat bars of soap
And with the studded belt, she beat my bum.
I found I only had strength
When she was out of controlled.
My strength did not exist when she was patient.
So with the help of my Great grandparents, Andy, Samantha, and Uncle Sam,
I turned in a little home video of Mom drugged and falling.
Into my school counselor.
It took a longer time after that than it should have
To get you out.
For the sake of YOUR life.
When me and mother got mad enough to gladly kill each other with a knife.
One day mother beat me for eating in the living room. Which I always had done.
A rule she made up of coarse the moment the hitting begun.
I told myself, “Next time Starr next time.”
But I knew I had to now.
So I picked up my cell text all my family to call the police.
I was done with this hell.
The big tall police man stepped through my door.
Said he needed to speak with my mother.
I replied, “She’s unwakably asleep don’t bother.”
But I led him to her train-wrecked room
And turned on the lights
He said, “Maam, wake up.”
But of coarse she was like night. Yet for 24 hours.
She couldn’t wake up I shook her fiercely.
He told me to leave.
So I went to my room and packed up quickly.
Scared of what she’s do, I called my Great grandparents to come take me away!
I had finally broken from her glue.
I heard mother fumble and mumble a word, “What?”
I went to her door. She looked at me and her face screamed ‘MUT!!!’
I ran to your room.
THANK GOD you were sleeping!
If you were awake...
I’d hear you weeping.
I touched your face.
And it was as soft an ocean filled with teddy bears.
I started to cry because
That was the moment I realized part of my purpose in life,
Was to save my child from the pain and suffering I went through.
I know she’ll never have to SILENTLY cry.
Or hide from Mom.
I know she will grow up to be a normal kid. Unlike me.
I know she won’t be made to be an adult. And do adult things.
I know what I did was right.
And I don’t regret all the pain in my life.
Because, “Despite all the pain I took in. God truly did bless me in the end.
I hear faith, love, and forever happiness in my future.
I hear Anja’s poem.
I hear Anja’s poem inside of me
I would talk to my sister but she’s only three.
So this is for her but also for me.
Poetry sets all my problems free.
It’s the most spiritual way to pray for me.
I confess my wrongs and find my rights.
So, here’s a poem I wrote one night.
For my sister:
I love you more than all the suns wealth
This makes me wonder about my mental health.
To love a child that is not mine.
If you needed a penny I’d give you a dime.
Maybe one day, I might always be near
But in your heart my voice will be clear.
Despite all the things our mother might say,
Don’t listen, be good, and read what I say.
Mine and your mother are blood-like the same
But the one I knew had cold blood in her veins.
I love her I do
But she made me too sad
Now I will never forgive her
For the times she got mad.
When I told her the truth
She would not listen
Deep down inside I knew her “Home”
Was my prison.
I had to get out I knew this for years,
But I didn’t have a reason.
Till great joy brought me tears.
I cried for two reasons
One obvious and one unknown
That is until
Mother forced me to the mother’s thrown.
Your Dad helped the most
When he got home.
Mother was sleeping.
The pills she popped made the pain in my poem.
Soon your Dad had enough.
He was through listening to the saddened hymn.
And a couple of times, his anger got the worst of him.
But it was not truly him.
It was the liquor he consumed.
I blame him for drinking and becoming uncontrolled.
But I would have done it too
So I can not complain.
Because your father’s a wonderful person,
Despite his past days.
He tried to help mother
Tried to make it work.
But mother is stubborn,
And did not convert
Her ways in which
She was cruel and a druggy.
One memory I can picture really bugs me.
Mother was so drugged
She stumbled through the kitchen
You saw her and cried
But she was deaf and could not listen.
She went to her room and shut the door.
You looked at me as if to say,
“Doesn’t she love me anymore?”
You were so young and could not understand
How someone that supposedly loves you
Would leave you without a hand.
It broke my heart
To know why you cried.
My hate grew for mother
I wished she had dyed.
All those times she could have dyed...
Should have let her drowned in her cereal bowl
That one time.
The more hate grew in me the meaner I became.
I slapped mom when she passed out in the back yard, cigarette in hand.
If I had a camera... that picture would be in a frame!
I loved you too much
But could not be your mother
This was the role I used to stand.
I used to become so angry I would slap your hand!
And then I heard you cry.
“Oh God,” I would scream, “I want to die!”
But to leave you forever alone with mother...
The thought made me shutter.
So I stayed alive... physically,
But mentally I was dead.
I felt like the caged bird that envies the free.
When your Dad left it was up to me.
To take on the role of two parents.
I was almost thirteen!
To make it clear, Your Dad left the home.
But he had visitation... He didn’t just leave you for Rome!
My education no longer mattered.
I missed 52 days!
Not all at once but still,
My brain became shattered.
I was to stay home.
Because Mom couldn’t wake up.
So many God damn excuses!!
I began to see the lies under her make up.
Another memory makes me want to kill her.
It was a school morning.
And I was waiting for my ride to Potter.
Mother was literally DEAD asleep.
I put ice in her bed... not even a peep.
My ride was honking, you were crying
I went into panic put you in the rockabye swing, kissed you, and left.
I STILL feel like dying!!!!!!!!!!!
Worried all day!
What if you’d drowned!
In the bottle I left for you.
What would Mom do to me if she woke up and you were dead-found?!
Mother was mad all the time
Even though she took 4 anti-depressants.
But all she needed was an anti-debitch-net.
Mom was angry because the whole family hated her.
She, of course, blamed me. I just HAD to be lying to her.
She justified her pills. Said she was in pain.
I learned it was all in her head.
So I quit her stupid game.
I quit by ignoring her,
She then yelled at me.
I quit by not respecting her,
She then slapped me.
I quit by telling her the truth,
The beatings began.
The more she continued the more I snapped back.
I began to see I had strength.
What she didn’t want me to see.
So when her fist came,
I blocked her from hitting me.
I felt overpowering
I felt I had one!
Until she made me eat bars of soap
And with the studded belt, she beat my bum.
I found I only had strength
When she was out of controlled.
My strength did not exist when she was patient.
So with the help of my Great grandparents, Andy, Samantha, and Uncle Sam,
I turned in a little home video of Mom drugged and falling.
Into my school counselor.
It took a longer time after that than it should have
To get you out.
For the sake of YOUR life.
When me and mother got mad enough to gladly kill each other with a knife.
One day mother beat me for eating in the living room. Which I always had done.
A rule she made up of coarse the moment the hitting begun.
I told myself, “Next time Starr next time.”
But I knew I had to now.
So I picked up my cell text all my family to call the police.
I was done with this hell.
The big tall police man stepped through my door.
Said he needed to speak with my mother.
I replied, “She’s unwakably asleep don’t bother.”
But I led him to her train-wrecked room
And turned on the lights
He said, “Maam, wake up.”
But of coarse she was like night. Yet for 24 hours.
She couldn’t wake up I shook her fiercely.
He told me to leave.
So I went to my room and packed up quickly.
Scared of what she’s do, I called my Great grandparents to come take me away!
I had finally broken from her glue.
I heard mother fumble and mumble a word, “What?”
I went to her door. She looked at me and her face screamed ‘MUT!!!’
I ran to your room.
THANK GOD you were sleeping!
If you were awake...
I’d hear you weeping.
I touched your face.
And it was as soft an ocean filled with teddy bears.
I started to cry because
That was the moment I realized part of my purpose in life,
Was to save my child from the pain and suffering I went through.
I know she’ll never have to SILENTLY cry.
Or hide from Mom.
I know she will grow up to be a normal kid. Unlike me.
I know she won’t be made to be an adult. And do adult things.
I know what I did was right.
And I don’t regret all the pain in my life.
Because, “Despite all the pain I took in. God truly did bless me in the end.
I hear faith, love, and forever happiness in my future.
I hear Anja’s poem.
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AND WE STARTED A DANCE GROUP CALLED HYZTERIA AND ARE PRACTICING. BUT COMMENT ME BACK AND ILL ADD YOU NOW!!!!!
cj said "yea sure i understand, but u shuld have told me that earlier"