Welcome to Gaia! ::

Reply Original Stories
Critique my story! I'm desperate! TT______TT

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Visitor counter
  Wait? This isn't the Polls Galore guild?
View Results

Synewave

PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2007 1:33 am


Please note that the terms brother and sister are not used in the literal sense.
Just in case you skip the beginning and start posting things about how perverted I am.


------

Four years is a long time to be away from the one you love.
But when that love is all you have left, will you still stay sane?


The roof of Kaaiyk's home was beautiful, to say the least. Drenched in a spectrum of colour from various flora he had found and collected, the sweet scents of all the types of plants drifted through the air and created an almost mind numbing effect, brightly coloured bugs flew through the air, without a care, as he sat under the shade of a large tree. He reminisced of his wife, how they had gone out on little trips with her father, they created this entire garden from scratch. His wife had left over four years ago to seal
up a trade agreement between one of the far away continents. Eldrea. The thought drifted through his mind that she may never come back.

Every single day.
In the exact same place.

Something far worse crossed his mind on this day, though.
His wife was back, but she had not come to see him.
Had she forgotten him?
The one she had been bonded to at birth?
Kaaiyk reached up to scratch his ear. The stripes itched, a tiny tingle.
Several of his friends at the local Tavern had told him that she was back, almost three days ago.
He had an urge to look over the edge of the roof, as he looked over the edge of the roof down onto the town below, he could see his wife sitting there at the bottom with her mother and someone else. People were crowded about everywhere, he often wondered how he could see her when nobody else could.

"Kaaiyk, don't worry, she will see you soon enough." A soothing voice said.

"Perhaps she will not before I am on my deathbed." A certain gloom seemed to block out even the wonderful scent of all the plants that surrounded him.

"I don't think you're that old." He looked over his shoulder and saw the familiar features of his 'brother'.
His 'brother' wasn't actually blood related, but was quite close to them at birth. He was the one chosen to look over them when their parents were busy.

"Sometimes I wonder if it was a good idea to be born at all." He looked down and knew his wife had moved, further away.

"Don't say that--"

"Brother, I've listened to the same things for four years. I just want to go drown my sorrows in the dregs at the bottom of a tankard right now." His blunt manner seemed to shock those that did not know him well.

"I'm not stopping you, Kaaiyk," His brother stepped aside, away from the door "But don't do anything disrespectable, you have a reputation you know."
Without even listening he began to walk down the stairs, each one giving a loud, almost musical, creak. The once captivating decorations he prided himself upon, now dusty and broken.

He reached for the last shining object in the entire house, the doorknob, and stepped outside.
The familiar streets seemed so distant now, people seemed to expect something from him but he gave naught but a sideways glance as he stepped onward to his favourite haunt.
The Golden Crown.


"You have a husband, do you not?" The Ambassador said.

They were just outside her home now, she looked up and saw it, it seemed to have changed in the four years that she was gone.

"I think so. Our bond is so weak now..." She absent mindedly scratched at the stripes upon her ear.
She pulled out a large key and went to unlock the door, but then realised something.

"Shouldn't you go see him?"

"It is too late to try and reconcile with him. He can be selfish at times."

'I can't go and see him, he's probably found out I was back by now.'

"It is never too late, dear. Sooner is better than later." It was her mother this time. How this conversation had moved onto her own personal matters was beyond her.

"This is my life, I can sort out my own matters. Now can we please go back to showing our beloved Ambassador around the city?"

"I thought we were going to stop at your home, Akiivah."

"I've... I've changed my mind, I want to show you around while you are still with us," she forced a smile.

"You can't avoid him for much longer. You left him without saying goodbye, it's going to have a... Certain toll on him, I would imagine."


It was late at night, he felt his wife awake, her soft lips brushed his cheeks and she silently dressed and grabbed bags from the wardrobe. Kaaiyk followed her through the halls of his home, watched her walk downstairs into the entry hall, where there were people waiting, he heard them talking but did not hear what was going on. The thought of jumping out and asking her where she was going crept into his mind, but he dismissed it, he would not become a burden upon her, not yet. They were leaving, he grabbed a cloak and wrapped around his scantily clad body, and followed outside. He hid inside the doorway of someone's house and watched.
They were heading to the docks, it was obvious to him that she was leaving him for somewhere else. She began to board the boat and as people helped her put the luggage aboard.

'Not yet. Not yet.'

The boat started to move, he began to panic.
His heart was in his throat now.

'She did not even say goodbye to me.'

"Akiivah! Don't leave me!" He scrambled out from behind the doorway and stumbled, but was quickly knocked down by an overbearing man with a staff. It took him a moment to recover.

"She had to leave, Kaaiyk. You have to understand that."

"W-why? Why would she leave me without saying goodbye?"

"It's the way things are, kid, deal with it." These words pounded at his ears, repeating, over and over.

The man was right, there was nothing he could do now.
He watched as the ship left over the horizon, he fought back his tears as he slowly got to his feet.

"Where is she going?" He pulled the cloak tighter about him as the breeze began to gather.

"Eldrea, her mother is going to show her how the council does their work." Kaaiyk turned around and began to slowly walk back home.

'She's gone...'


The surrounding jungles hosted some rather unfamiliar plants and animals.
Strange glowing flowers sprouted from the base of tall trees, strange multi-coloured bugs fluttered through the air, the strange calls of various animals, drowned out by the sound of a motor, that tore up the loam and sprayed it about everywhere as it raced throughout the maze-like pathways laid out by nature.
Then, after a few moments, the trees thinned out and a spiraling construction appeared upon the horizon.
"Alright lady, we can see the tip of the Shiranza Spire from here, now pay up." The gruff looking mercenary growled. She took out her purse and emptied a few gold coins into the mans outstretched hands.
"Thank you, very much, sir." She gave a curtsy and began walking the trail towards the city.
The trail was not so hard to navigate now, the trees had thinned out considerably and she could even make out the details upon the walls.
She dreaded entering that place, for she was not one to delight in being the bearer of bad news.

'Somebody has to do it...' She let out a great sigh, the sun's rays bared down upon her unobstructed by the canopy of the jungle any longer.

She could hear the distant shouts of guards now, the full splendour of Shiranza's shining walls overwhelmed her as the light reflected off them.
She could see the gateway now, the large shining gate was so elaborately patterned, carvings of the symbolic animals and plants seemed to give off a dull glow. A feeling of peace overwhelmed her until she was interrupted.
"Excuse me, but you cannot enter through this gate," she turned and saw a young boy, barely 8 or 9, standing in full armour.

"I don't believe I've seen you here before, boy. I always pass through this gate, the gate was made for me." The ignorance of some people today. She gave a derisive snort.

"I was told by my Offic-"

"Let her pass boy." It was the Officer, she knew him well.

"But--" The boy protested.

"Let her pass, boy," his voice was firmer, more direct.

"Yes, sir," he drawled, he stepped aside and she walked through the gate.

"Thank you, Officer," she gave a sly wink.


The Golden Crown was still as decorated as ever, colourful language polluted the air just as painting of famous patrons polluted the walls, the entertainment on stage was hardly suitable for children and the place was not half as majestic as the name suggested, but the place was certainly not disreputable, nor was it a bad place to go when you were feeling down, as the men and women and who frequented the bar all seemed to be on the same level as each other.
Drunk.
Kaaiyk pulled up a stool and asked for 'the usual', which was actually just a pint of whatever was in the barrels at the time.

"So 'as yer wife come to see you yet?" The grizzly old man said, scratching at his scraggly, untamed beard.

"No, Filan, she hasn't," he took a large drink from his tankard, "I expect she will be home when I get home, with that precious Ambassador of hers."

"Ah well, mate, times are tough, you jus' gotta take what-cher given, somtimes." He watched as the man drank an entire bottle in two gulps.

"Sometimes that's the hardest part." He finished... Whatever it was he drinking and slumped on the table.
It was a few moments later that he was tapped on the shoulder by the Barkeep.
"There's someone 'ere to see you," he said.

He looked over at whoever it was, sitting by the bar.

"Kaaiyk, come, sit." He walked over next to the hooded stranger and took a stool.


She surveyed the man before her, he was tall for an Ardaian and very thin. His white hair contrasted strongly with his dark blue skin, but the one thing that set him apart from the other Ardaians was his shining green eyes. They were not the gold of all the others she had met, except perhaps, his fathers...

"So, what do you want?" He certainly wasn't drunk, that was a good thing, he seemed to be sad about something but that would have to be put aside, there were more important things at stake.

"I'm here to tell you something, although you may not believe it," she pulled back her hood, he seemed to be shocked, "There is someone... Or something, out to get you, I don't know the exact details, but I do know that they were the same people that killed your father."
"What?!"

"I would have told you sooner but I was ordered not to until the time was right, although now it may be too late." Just as those words were spoken, a shadow leaped at Kaaiyk.

'No!'

But he was quick to act, he grabbed the stool from underneath himself and swung it at the shadow, which seemed to have assumed the shape of a wolf. It staggered about, crashing round topped tables and high backed chairs, the Barkeep was nowhere to be found, either.


Kaaiyk rushed behind an over turned table, the large black dog lunged towards him with it's fangs bared, he shoved the table forward in an attempt to cause it to stagger again but the table splintered instead and sprayed chunks of wood all about. He looked for a weapon on the walls, but none of them were fit for his fighting style, then he saw a broken table leg laying on the ground, not far from where the beast was crouched in its ready stance. He made a dash for the table leg, dodging a clumsy swipe, he rolled around as he grabbed it and quickly regained his footing. The table leg was just the right weight, he held it low by his side and slightly crouched, the wolf-like monstrosity charged at him, he blocked deftly as it swiped wildly and landed a killer blow right to throat, it gave a great yelp as it sunk in, but it was not enough to stop the persistent beast.
Inky black blood spewed forth from the wound but it did not seem to notice. It crashed through tables and chairs and leaped at him, he tried to dodge but smacked into a table, he crumpled in a heap upon the other side, semi-conscious.
He struggled to stand and slumped.
Then everything went dark.


"You know, I was almost impressed." He struggled to gain a sitting position as he eavesdropped upon the conversation.

"Well, Gisland did try to teach him, but he just didn't have the strength to lift any of the larger weapons." He heard laughter.

"Tell your husband that he's doing a good job for me, won't you?"

"Yes, I will. Do you think he will be okay?" It was his Mother-In-Law and that strange woman from The Golden Crown.

"He should be awake by now. Give him that letter and tell Akiivah if she doesn't talk to him soon I'll be more than happy to take him." More laughter rushed through the half opened door to his room.

"Who... Who was that?" His memory of the woman was hazy. Even with her hood down she had very much avoided looking at him directly.

"That was your... 'sister', much like your brother. She would've been bonded to you if it weren't for Akiivah much like your brother to be bonded to Akiivah if it weren't for you." A cold cloth was placed upon his forehead as he laid back down, which he took off and placed on the bedside.

"Where is Akiivah? Has she even come to see me yet?" A worried expression passed over her face as he asked those questions.

"No. I'm not sure why, either," She touched his arm and looked at him with a smile "Your 'sister' told me about your fight. You were very brave to fight that beast. She told me about how you stabbed it with the table leg and... How you managed to get in this condition." He felt himself flush a little as she said those words.

"I am sorry, I was not aware of my surroundings--" He was cut off mid grovel

"It's okay, the strange beast collapsed and turned back into it's original form. Would you believe that The Golden Crown's owner was your attacker? He actually left that place in your name, too."

'Glajnas, left me The Golden Crown? What am I going to do? I don't have the time to look after an Inn!'
"It does not strike me as strange, I was always the son he never had and I guess duty finally broke through that bond. No matter, I will try to upkeep that places honour, or rather, dishonour."

At that moment, his wife casually walked into the room.
A rush of mixed emotions overwhelmed him as he saw his wife up close for the first time in four years.

"A-Akiivah?" He began to stretch out a hand but then pulled it back under the sheets.

'She's forgotten me, I'm sure of it.'

"Oh, hello Cake." She looked at him, nothing openly showing upon her face but that same empty smile.

'Is this who wasted four years waiting for? Someone who doesn't appreciate me or recognize me as a husband?'

He tried hard to get up, drowning amongst his own dark thoughts, it was almost a struggle to see in front of himself now. His foggy vision slowly clearing away as tears rolled down his cheeks.
His wife walked back out of the room, slowly, probably deliberately teasing him with her presence.

"I'll go talk to her Kaaiyk, I can't stand seeing you like... This."

'She thinks I'm pathetic, I should have run off with that girl across the street...'

He listened to them screeching at each other down in the entry hall.
Flashes of the 'conversation' floated up through the door.

"No! I will not!"

"You are not blind, you can see the pain!"

"It's not worth the effort to..."

He stopped listening, he did not need to hear anymore.
Letting out a long, deep sigh he staggered towards the door, trying to block out the abusive screams coming from his wife.
He did not see the toppled bookshelf or the dusty trinkets littering the floor, nor did he notice whether they broke beneath his feet.
Feebly gripping the banisters on the dusty wood staircase he stepped down. It creaked loudly, interrupting the screaming match.
They both looked at him, but he did not care.

"I'll see you in four years, maybe I will be worth the effort then."

With that, he stumbled putting on his coat and boots and walked to his new special place.
The Golden Crown.


There was a distinct sense of irony in owning the one place he actually spent his money, although he did not know why.
The broken pieces of the table were not there and everything seemed to be replaced.
He surveyed the walls, no longer were there the traditional battleaxes and greatswords. Instead they were replaced with shortswords and animal head plaques.

"Why not run away with me Kaaiyk? Forget that greedy, ungrateful wench you are with now. Come with me." It was that woman, his 'sister'.

"I am sorry, sister, but I do not want to believe I wasted four years of my life wanting someone who never wanted me." It was the sad truth, but he had heard that denial was the easiest thing to accept.

"I do not blame you for that. You are quite a sensible man." He finally saw her beautiful features and almost regretted declining her offer. A strong, beautiful face masked with pale blue skin, framed by her strange golden long hair and set with her purple gemlike eyes, her body slim but strangely, full. She certainly was not of complete Ardaian blood, but that was not enough to sway his heart, or to stop his eyes swaying at the rhythmic movements of her hips as she walked towards him.
A stray finger touched his chin and it took all his willpower just to restrain himself seriously reconsidering.

"You are a strong man, inside and out. But you will break one day, Kaaiyk and when that day comes..." She did not need to finish that sentence. It was plainly obvious she enjoyed her own games and this was just one game she would win when she won and win when she lost, "We will play this game again soon, your distraction is approaching."

She kissed him on the cheek and walked up the stairs, slowly, deliberately, sensually.
His wife once again, burst into the room, giving off a casual air once again.
'Faith, please guide me through my next decisions...'

------

I know this is a grammatical nightmare, but I am working on it, until I think it works. But feel free to point them out to me.

Thanks in Advance.
PostPosted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 5:16 pm


(The babbling nonsense that was previously my placeholder for this post has been deleted. Woo!)

Having read through this story, there are two impressions that I get - one good, and one...uh, not good. The good is that it hints at a lot of creativity. The whole thing with the 'brother' relationships, the river, etc, gives a teaser of what appears to be a far greater world.

The bad, however, is that it's incredibly difficult to see that world, 'cause I am confused as all get out. I have only the vaguest idea of what's going on:

  • There is a man, Kaaiyk, and a woman, Akiivah, who have been bonded (married?) since birth.
  • Akiivah has gone away for four years, doing...something...that makes her important, so that she gets her own gate built into some city.
  • Kaaiyk is depressed because she's gone. Akiivah is also somewhat depressed, but fears to return because she thinks her husband won't forgive her.
  • Akiivah comes back.
  • Something attacks Kaaiyk, and it turns out to be a barkeeper. Kaaiyk, for some reason, gets the bar.
  • Some other lady tries to seduce Kaaiyk.


Past those points I listed, I have no idea what the heck is happening, or why. Maybe I'm just being dense, but it's really confusing.

So...how to make it less confusing?

Well, for one thing, make the spacings between your paragraphs the same. In some places it's doublespaced, in some places it's triple-spaced, and in others it's not spaced at all. It makes it confusing as to where paragraphs begin and end, and where sections begin and end. If you have a section switch, I'd recommend that you put a symbol like a line of *****, or something - not just a space. That'd make it clearer.

Second, use names more often. It appears like you've got a large number of characters, but in scenes I noticed that you use 'he' and 'she' a lot when describing what they're doing, which makes it difficult to keep track of which 'he' or 'she' we're talking about.

Third, try not to use so many sentence fragments. I think they're meant to be used as emphasis, but when you've got something like...
Quote:
Every single day.
In the exact same place.

...all over the place, it just gets confusing to read.

Um...fourth, try to clarify the 'brother/sister', as that was confusing. I got the basic gist, but I was completely lost about why the woman who tried to seduce Kaaiyk might've married him, but didn't.

You said you were working on the grammatical nightmare aspect, so I won't comment on that...well, more than I have already.

Anyway. I really hope the above ideas helps. This story hints at so much creativity - it just needs to be written more clearly!

Eyetk


Synewave

PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 4:44 am


Eyetk
(The babbling nonsense that was previously my placeholder for this post has been deleted. Woo!)

Having read through this story, there are two impressions that I get - one good, and one...uh, not good. The good is that it hints at a lot of creativity. The whole thing with the 'brother' relationships, the river, etc, gives a teaser of what appears to be a far greater world.

The bad, however, is that it's incredibly difficult to see that world, 'cause I am confused as all get out. I have only the vaguest idea of what's going on:

  • There is a man, Kaaiyk, and a woman, Akiivah, who have been bonded (married?) since birth.
  • Akiivah has gone away for four years, doing...something...that makes her important, so that she gets her own gate built into some city.
    The stranger in the hood ISN'T Akiivah.
    It's the woman in the bar.
    Which is Kaaiyk's 'sister'.
    You should understand the relationship between them now.


  • Kaaiyk is depressed because she's gone. Akiivah is also somewhat depressed, but fears to return because she thinks her husband won't forgive her.
    In the end, he doesn't. But not because he's the difficult one.

  • Akiivah comes back.
  • Something attacks Kaaiyk, and it turns out to be a barkeeper. Kaaiyk, for some reason, gets the bar.
    The barkeep worked alongside Akiivah's mother's Husband before he was born. Seeing as he was like a son to him, he is the only one seen as fit to own the bar.

  • Some other lady tries to seduce Kaaiyk.


Past those points I listed, I have no idea what the heck is happening, or why. Maybe I'm just being dense, but it's really confusing.

So...how to make it less confusing?

Well, for one thing, make the spacings between your paragraphs the same. In some places it's doublespaced, in some places it's triple-spaced, and in others it's not spaced at all. It makes it confusing as to where paragraphs begin and end, and where sections begin and end. If you have a section switch, I'd recommend that you put a symbol like a line of *****, or something - not just a space. That'd make it clearer.
Okay.
I just thought a doublespace between character switches would be sufficient.


Second, use names more often. It appears like you've got a large number of characters, but in scenes I noticed that you use 'he' and 'she' a lot when describing what they're doing, which makes it difficult to keep track of which 'he' or 'she' we're talking about.
I'll try to fix that.

Third, try not to use so many sentence fragments. I think they're meant to be used as emphasis, but when you've got something like...
Quote:
Every single day.
In the exact same place.

...all over the place, it just gets confusing to read.
I like emphasis.
It makes me feel big.


Um...fourth, try to clarify the 'brother/sister', as that was confusing. I got the basic gist, but I was completely lost about why the woman who tried to seduce Kaaiyk might've married him, but didn't.
The relationship between the 'brother' and 'sister' and the family are far more difficult to explain than that.
Think of them being married into the family, but not to any particular person.
Sort of like, extended family, but in such a position they are alike to 'brother' and 'sister'.
Kinda hard to explain unless you understand the Ardaian faith.


You said you were working on the grammatical nightmare aspect, so I won't comment on that...well, more than I have already.
Yeah, lots to do on the grammar.

Anyway. I really hope the above ideas helps. This story hints at so much creativity - it just needs to be written more clearly!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 7:04 pm


Listen - when you ask for help, and someone lists what they have trouble understand, you need to address those problems within the narrative. I also had trouble understanding what was going on, and your explanation did not help. A story is meant to be understood on its own, without the author having to stand over the reader's shoulder explaining things.

The grammar is not the main problem with this story. The main problem with this story is that I, the reader, have no idea where or when this story takes place -- names and flowers are not enough, you must show us where we are -- and the relationships are confusing, made even more so by the quotation marks around 'brother' and 'sister.' You cannot throw the reader into a completely alien idea of family and expect them to follow it with only a single line of explanation about his 'brother.'

Leah.K

Reply
Original Stories

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
//
//

// //

Have an account? Login Now!

//
//