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 Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:42 am
Bipolar is a new thing to me... I just started to show symptoms last fall and I had a pretty big manic episode in the winter, but the whole thing really isn't settling well with me (not taht it should). It seems to me that when I go into a manic state it's like I desire it in a way so i put myself into it. I feel like "why the hell do I have to do everything normal and go everyone else's way?""why can't I just look at the stars and think and feel good?". This gives me doubt because if I really am suffering from an illness or whatever you want to call it, then why is it not something that happens to me, but I make happen? i've just been so overwhelmed lately. Now that I've seen a higher plane, I don't know if I can ever go back or if I even want to go back. It's like this endless battle between me/my mind and what I do in my life. I can't get anything done with one but not the other. I can't earn a living or put my ideas to good use by sitting in my bedroom thinking about the universe and I can't feel right mentally by getting a job and doing all sorts of things, not leaving time to slow down and collect myself. Since I have this dilemma I can't break free, I just go back and forth not knowing which method to live is the right one. When I'm down its because it seems like the world eats me, chews me and spits me out and no matter how hard I try i'm not going to find myself living life how I wish I could. And when i'm up it's not because i just feel that way, it's not like some emotion sweeping over me... it's because I AM up. I have know doubt in myself because I know I AM special. I feel like I have seen things that very few human beings have been priviledged enough to have seen. I'm just looking for some kind of reaffirmation because in the long run I'm very lost right now.
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Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 8:22 pm
Heh.
I always did, and still do the same thing.
Found out the doctors were all wrong, it's not even bipolar, just omgmentaltrauma from my parents not knowing how to raise even a ******** hamster correctly.
But.
I still put myself into that fun manic state.
Although now it takes chemical substances to do so.
Go ahead, have your fun.
So long as you can stand to crash down into it, if you can.
Can you shut it off?
Because then you can shut it off to go to work and do all that stupid s**t.
Or just find a job where you can do that. Graphic design or something fast-paced, I loved pizza delivery because I had all that time in my car to think about whatever I wanted, talk on the phone, play music, whatever, and I got paid plenty for it.
I don't know how old you are, so I dunno how important it is at this point to support yourself, which would probably influence the decision a lot.
...I'm tired from work and can barely think, hope I made at least some sense.
-vanishes from guild for another two years-
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Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 10:33 am
I'm not sure if I can shut it off or not because it might be like I don't want to turn it off so much that I'm not able to... I don't really know right now. It's been under control lately despite stopping my meds so I guess that's good.
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Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 12:31 pm
h3rsh
-vanishes from guild for another two years-
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Posted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 2:56 am
Conan The Barbie Doll h3rsh
-vanishes from guild for another two years-
-yawns at-
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