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OMG YES.
Sometimes while verryyy paranoid,
Possibly having some hallucinations,
Everything will just click.
I can live in my room forever.
I don't have to see anyone ever again.
Build a small bathroom right over there,
A counter by my door,
Which will be boarded up to the extreme,
A microwave and minifridge,
Yadda yadda.
I make plans for living without real human contact.
I decide where everything goes.
Everytthinngg.
There will be no bugs.
I stumble across words and try to hold on to disappearing ideas.
'I can be pretty and skinny because. . .
And I can wear all those clothes I want and just stomp around my room all I want,
Looking sexxi all alone.'
If I want anything from the outside,
There will be some kind of hole in my wall.
[That can be closed and locked, of course.]
You put my stuff in from the outside,
It comes to me and all I have to do is open the small door.
Never even have to look at anybody.


It sounds stupid.
I know.
And when it's happening I believe it over 100%.
I tried thinking things out once.
'Listen to yourself.
Making plans.
You know.
It's never.
Gonna.
Happen.'
It was like trying to lie to myself.

Yea.
And when you're coming down you're sooo exhausted.
But you can't go to sleep.
You have school in an hour.
:/



fgnopfgmn
I feel stupid nooww.

Yes. I KNEW what I was on this Earth for. I knew that I was going to save the world. I found connections in everything and KNEW that what I said would have an impact. It would probably even start the apocalypse.

Now that I look back...It was scary. I was scared.

I'm not making sense.

Yeah I haven't really had these lately but I can't stand it when I open up about it and someone just suggests that I'm delusional (mainly just at the hospital ._.; )... or when I think about how lots of people with this are just thought of as crazy...

because when I have that I KNOW without a reasonable doubt that I'm not delusional, and I trust that side of me even though I might not be able to understand right now.

This is really hard for me... I want to explain but there aren't human words to explain what I want to say about the actual "vision" itself... When I see these things I see a single pattern that no thing in existence can go outside its boundaries. Things align themselves in a seemingly divine geometric way. Things spiral into these... points... that exist throughout the universe. When I try to explain to people vaguely it always comes off like I'm trying to make myself look like someone special but really I'm not special, I'm just able to SEE it sometimes. It's true that not many people are able to see that, but just seeing something amazing doesn't make me special at all. uggh. I feel stupid. I just don't know what to do about it when I have that because it feels like I neeeeed to do something about it but it's not like I can just go out and tell people. I can't just walk around thinking about how I have a deeper understanding of the universe than anyone else. Sometimes I draw or write... but some of the stuff I make I look at a month later and just think how ******** up I was.

It's ******** up but it feels so good. It's ultimate truth, unflawed understanding of everything... why does it have to lead to my life getting ******** up gonk Honestly, I must confess, I am a self-diagnosed bipolar. All of this stuff started to get crazy in my life quite recently, about a year and a half ago and I had these mindblowing experiences mainly from weed, but then it would come without drugs and it would disconnect me from anything and everyone around me. At that time I knew something wasn't right so I researched about this stuff and that's how I came upon bipolar... at first I couldn't stop thinking about bipolar because of the name, BI(two)-POLAR(opposites) and my visions had everything to do with two opposites working as one power. It was less of a mood thing where I went back and forth and more of my ideas and experiences and the only thing I could connect them with was other people with bipolar disorder, like cult folk artist Daniel Johnston (If you haven't seen the documentary the devil and daniel Johnston, stop reading this and go ******** see it right now.) So for a long time I couldn't stop thinking about if I might be bipolar or not (whatever that meant). I was seeing a shrink that was a good guy in my life and I opened up as much as I could with him but he didn't help me as much as he just listened to me and talked to me about "real" things xp . Later I started observing myself and seeing some symptoms I had read about bipolar and I just thought that must be what people call someone like me. Due to family trouble mainly with my dad I broke down a few times and one time my shrink suggested I go to a hospital and I agreed to do a partial patient program about this time last year. That was a ******** waste of time other than meeting other ******** up people I could relate to and they put me on seroquel which I hated because I couldn't stay up and draw at night. Yaddayaddayadda more ******** up stuff happened, went to the hospital for two godawful weeks spring of this year (2007). Something happened that I almost had gave up on. I met someone that had seen the SAME EXACT visions that I had seen. We connected so deeply and we learned that we were so similiar that it was literally very scary. This was an amazingly good thing for me because It proved that I wasn't crazy and that other people had seen what I could see even though in the back of my head I knew that I was right all along... At the hospital though, my physical and mostly my mental condition got WAY worse. I did whatever it took not to give up and go over to the other side and just be a normal kid. I tried to see things and I kind of tried to ******** myself up, and I did. I gave myself two different names castor and pollux after greek mythology and the gemini constellation of the two twins. Castor was the human, the sufferer and Pollux was the god who came to save castor and to show him the way. (I can't believe I"m writing this stressed gonk scream crying ) I had serious rapid mood swings. When I would come down I would cry and sink to the floor and just lay there. I drew some pretty dang cool things at the hospital though and I met really cool people. People seemed to really like me there (lol) which was cool... I was popular!! HAHAHAHAHA omg so very funny to me. When my parents visited I would act completely normal even though they'd sneak peaks at my ******** up drawings. I drew some pretty cool stuff. Without drugs I saw numeric and geometric patterns and scary scary stuff. They put me on lithium eskalith(?)specifically and wellbutrin and it scared me because I didn't know what would happen to me but I think it stablized me slowly. I stopped taking the lithium about a month and a half ago but I think I feel pretty stable right now. I usually don't see the patterns and stuff when I get high (which I most definitely have mixed feelings about). I'll call this post quits for now.

Sorry for writing my life story, and my writing is a little shaky right now I think but if you actually read this then I am grateful to you.