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I'm having the same problem going through this concept as I did with Bennu - could you please format in some paragraphs? The sections are kind of big and blobby, and could do with being split up and organized more neatly.

We are concerned that Leonore's hobbies and appearance read too much like Fuu from Magic Knights Rayearth. We would prefer that you change the appearance, especially, and try to go in a different direction with the wind mage concept, because the Fuu-like wind mage is something that's rather common to see.

Also, we have a mod who's around 5'1", and I know people who are below 5' and very small, and no one runs into them. You're likely to run into anyone if you're not paying attention, regardless of your height. I'm 5'8" and I get beefed in the shoulders and stomach by inattentive people all the time.

The mod team is uncomfortable with approving any character whose central personality point is that they suffer mental abuse. This is a dangerous area to tread - you could seriously offend someone if you portray something incorrectly - and we feel that Leonore's "mental abuse" is illogical and her reaction to it, too, is illogical and not typical of abuse sufferers. Leonore doesn't need to have suffered mental abuse to be extremely shy.

The mods decided that carrying a notebook and charcoal into battle with her is a very bad idea - in the heat of battle, Leonore would end up using all her turns to write things. She would end up being useless in battle. You may want to rethink the stuttering or lose the notebook in battle; it just seems a bit too silly.

Finally, I feel like Leonore is a bit too close to Sisel for comfort - separated by only a few traits and the fact that Leonore lacks many of Sisel's faults. Both are shy, bookish and extremely organizated characters with public speaking issues and low self-esteem. However, you mention in the last part of the personality that when Leonore gets to know someone, she's very talkative - this, I feel, overwrites much of what you wrote before. If Leonore joins the Asterion League, then she will get to know people and make friends and generally mingle mostly with the people she knows. This means that she will be much more talkative - what happened to her shyness and stuttering?

Also, I think the fact that she talks with the wind needs to be explained a bit more. Is she actually literally having a conversation? And the wind is talking back? Or is she just ... talking to herself? If she's just talking to herself, then you need to address this because that's definitely not normal.

We feel that Leonore's parents actions are illogical. If they're involved in politics, they would probably dote on a sickly, crippled daughter and not act disgusted. Doting on a sick, asthmatic daughter makes you look like a caring, nurturing parent to the public, which is probably what they want. Also, asthma is serious, but it's also fairly common; I find it hard to believe that developing asthma would cause parents to cast out their own child. We are just uncomfortable with how the abuse was handled and portrayed in this character.

Also, at eight, Leonore would have - from an Earth standpoint - only been in third grade. I can see third graders understanding "good guy!" and "bad guy!" but not the intricacies of the Fin de Saison. I would say it would be better to make her much older at this point, if you wanted to still include her understanding what was actually going on. She would have to be at least fourteen or fifteen for me to be comfortable with her understanding the intricacies of the Fin de Saison.

I believe the concern with the mental abuse was not that it doesn't cause people to become shy and withdrawn, but rather that what was presented was not very well-constructed and as a result we would feel more comfortable with you finding a different reason for her to be shy, as abuse is certainly not the only cause.

We aren't completely against characters who have suffered abuse, but we are very critical of it being included as it is difficult to handle well and as a result we will hold abused characters to particularly high standards of character depth and development.

I think a more agreeable path for us would be her parents using their 'crippled' daughter for political gain to show how charitable and wonderful they are. She can still be hurt and withdrawn as a result, but it seems strange to us that everyone would be super mean to her just because she has asthma.

Actually, regarding the treatment of a flightless Pennier, EK says:

"I'd say they'd probably be more condescending than outright discriminatory XD And they'd never say "a Pennier who can't fly is not a Pennier worth knowing." It's more like, uh, a man who can't get it up. 8D It's really embarrassing and you can definitely get picked on for it, but they're not more or less likely to get jobs, be beaten up after school, etc. It's a shame, but not something to be ostrasized for."

Actually, another issue I just spotted, which is addressed in the FAQ:


I would go a step further and note that a chronological 16/17 year old would need to be pretty damn mature to be accepted into the League, which is comprised largely of 20 somethings and older. I think Leonore needs a few more years under her belt and some more confidence before the League would be ready to deal with her. The League isn't a charitable organization - they expect a lot out of their members and it's going to be very difficult for extremely shy people to find their way into their ranks.

I'm also not sure a 13 year old would be running a bookstore. Mental maturity is going to pretty much coincide with chronological age in all the races aside from the Duszek, so I think she would need to be much older to run her own business.

Hmmm. I am actually going to have to say that this talking to the wind stuff makes me hesitate for both characters. The reason being that this means the character could technically hear a private conversation between other characters because the wind 'told' them and that can quickly upset other players and becomes very difficult to moderate. Basically, the wind listening is too close to the issues with mind reading and we can't allow it in this form.

We wouldn't be opposed to the wind carrying scents to people to tell them where people had been or anything like that, but being able to potentially gain knowledge that was not expressly given to your character is problematic.

Sorry, guys. sweatdrop