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 Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 11:45 pm
I usually don't write romance-type poetry, but one day this poem just came out of my fingers...and I wanted to know what people think, so I'm posting it here (and I followed the -critique-3-before-posting rule).
UNDEFINED
When you look my way
And I look back at you
Sometimes I wonder if
We could become a two
I wonder what you think
What goes on in your mind
If you think of us
Of what was left behind
Could we join hands again
And smile at each other
Or are you just like someone else
A friend or a brother
I look at you and try not to wish
That we could get back what I miss
Do you look at me and see in my mind
Do you want to recapture what we left behind
Are you in another world
Which I can’t understand
Or is there a chance we
Stand on the same land
I look at you and see more than external
I remember the love I presumed eternal
Do you remember us as we were then
Or will your mind never think of us like that again
Can I get through to you
Without saying my thoughts aloud
Or am I incomprehensible
Moon covered by a cloud
You once called me beautiful
What am I now?
Am I something special still
Or should I take a bow
And leave the stage and never think
Of you and me ever again
Should I dare and wish at all
Or chuck my feelings in the bin
What is past, we both know
What is truth in your eyes I can’t say
But wherever I go
You’ll be on my mind each day
I’m lost in thoughts of you
Like a ship at sea
Until I know your thoughts
I don’t know what to be
I am undefined
Because I am not whole
Leave or come into my arms
And save my wretched soul
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Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 6:52 pm
good job, you write so good! Just like a person who just broke up, and can't stop wondering whats going on in the other ones mind.....great! razz
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Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 8:10 am
It was written very well, with lots of emotion, but I think that it needs punctuation to help the rhythm of the piece. It was a long poem, but I found it didn't repeat as most long poems do, which is a plus. Good job on this one!
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Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 12:59 pm
You had good form and stuck well with the four-lined stanza, though your rhyming is a little off. For the most part you rhymed the second and fourth lines in each stanza, but you broke that a few times by switching to rhyming the first and second, and the third and fourth. A pretty good use of words throughout the poem. Overall not bad, nice job.
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Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 5:52 pm
heart i really liked it... I related to it alot. it was definately worth the read. I thinkt he only thing I woud change is the length. but that's just me becasue I prefer shorter poems.
- <3 rose <3 -
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 7:51 am
I liked this one had a nice set of emotion and a nice rythm to it.
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 11:00 am
I am slightly dissapointed by the lack of punctuation. So many people fail to see how much better good punctuation can make an already slammin' poem.
Other than that, I thought it was great. Your emotion was right on target with the subject matter, neither were overly stressed, and the rhyme was so smooth I barely noticed it. Kudos!
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Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 9:08 am
I loved it!!!!... great story... it's so true...
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