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Title: How it used to be
Author: [Ren the Ryoko]
Pairing: Saruman/Gandalf
Rating: PG
Summary: Saruman has fallen to the Dark Lord, but he wasn’t always on the side of evil. There was a time when he was kind, and wise, and strong. When He and Gandalf were both young. Young and in love.
A/N: The inspiration hit my like a bag full of rocks. It had to be written. Just a little thing about how Gandalf and Saruman used to be, and how it decayed into what it is. I know I havent written anything in a long time, but here you go.

—

It was very cold on top of the tower where he lay. Every bone ached, every muscle screamed, and most of all his soul burned. This betrayal was deep. Saruman was working for the Dark Lord. The strong, wise, white wizard had become no more than a puppet. Gandalf has failed to defeat him, he had failed to save him, he had even failed to notice the shift in the man’s allegiance until it was to late. Gandalf questioned how he could be so blind, and still have claimed to know the man.

Yes, now Saruman was no doubt evil. No doubt he was in the wrong, tempted into slavery by the power of the Dark. But once, Gandalf remembered, once had not been. Once he had been wise and kind. Once, even before then, he had been young and strong. Gandalf knew he too had once been young. They had once been naive and care free, playing in Fangorn Forest together, sitting by the river together as boys. Gandalf remembered, laying there in the cold darkness on the top of his prison.

—

“Gandalf.” A strong young voice whispered, shaking the younger boy. The hum of water of rocks and the light tunes of forest birds slowly began to register as the boy’s eye lids fluttered open. Saruman smiled at him, his black hair completely fussed, falling out of it’s loose pony tail.

Gandalf sat up, yawning. Saruman was a good 10 years older than him in the blossom of manhood. Gandalf himself was still an awkward boy of 15, and his dark brown hair barely fell over his ears. Both wore their summer clothes, light cotton shirts and shorts, nothing special. But any stranger would say both were handsome all the same.

It was a different age. A different time. A peaceful time. The Fangorn Forest was happy and welcoming, easily letting the boys retreat from their studies for the afternoon in it’s shade and peace. No doubt their master, Mindorf the White, would be ill pleased at them for wasting the after noon sleeping on creek banks in the forest instead of translating their Elvish texts as they were told to. Well, to be honest, as Gandalf was told to. Saruman was far to advanced to be stuck with the idle jobs of translation, but often helped Gandalf anyway.

“You slept a long time.” Saruman smiled at him, cupping his cheek. “I thought the forest may have snatched up your soul.” He joked. The younger boy blushed slightly, grinning. It was a great secret; their afternoons spent in the forest, often in the other’s embrace. Saruman was to be Master Mindorf’s successor someday, Gandalf was a younger, less experienced page. Surely this would be looked down on. Yes, though neither cared.

“Sorry to worry you.” Gandalf smiled and leaned forward to kiss Saruman on the cheek. The elder slipped his arms around Gandalf’s waist, pulling him into his lap.

“You’re very cute when you’re asleep.” Saruman whispered, nuzzling into the soft nape of the boy’s neck. “Gandalf.” He said, his breath tickling the other boys skin. “I love you.”

“I love you too” The younger said back.

—

And then Mindorf died. Saruman was christened Saruman the white, and made head of the order. It was a day of great celebration. Banners of white hung from the ceiling, and there was a great feast of fruits and roasted deer.

Saruman, now a older, in his 30's, was in a grand mood. He milled through the crowd of wizards, each congratulating him. He talked with ease, smiling and speaking of his studies. Gandalf had noticed the increase in Saruman’s work as of late. Studying the plants on fangorn more closely, learning deeply of biology. It had made the younger wizard, now no longer a page, feel slightly neglected.

Finally, Saruman seemed to have a moment alone and Gandalf slipped up next to him. “Congratulations, Saruman the White.” He said is a very mockingly professional voice. “What a grand celebration all of this is.”

Saruman laughed, just as Gandalf had wanted. “Feeling left out?” He asked, reading the younger wizard like a book. Not waiting for an answer, the took Gandalf by the hand and led him out of the main hall. “They wont notice if we disappear for a few minutes.” He answered to Gandalf’s inquiring looks.

“I cant believe they really put you in charge.” Gandalf teased. “We may all be doomed.” And kissed him lightly on the lips. Saruman kissed back, trying not to grin at the sudden gesture.

“Already you are in your mid-twenties, and you are still a clingy lover.” Saruman teased when the kiss had ended. But honestly, he didn’t mind. They were in love, and it was wonderful.

“How long can you be absent?” Gandalf questioned, a smirk growing across his face. Saruman’s eyebrows raised. Gandalf licked the nape of his neck softly.

“Long enough for THAT.” He said, chuckling. Gandalf smiled slightly.

“You’ve been neglecting me.” He took Saruman’s hand and quickly led him towards the nearest broom closet.

—

Things began to change. Gandalf was made a wizard of the highest order, and finally his skill seemed to rival that of Saruman. Saruman had not expected that. More and more Gandalf began to travel, earning himself fame far and wide. While Saruman stayed near Fangorn to manage the order, Gandalf saw to world. He had friends with the elves and the dwarves, men and halflings and all other manner of folk.

One day it occurred to Saruman that he was jealous. He and Gandalf didn’t see each other as often anymore. No, Gandalf was always running around from one edge of the map to the other. And now they claimed him as his equal. He had tutored the boy, he had helped him translate the elvish papers he was assigned, he had even been the one who made the final say Yes on his Wizard of the First order rank. And Gandalf thought they were equals, and that drove Saruman mad.

Somehow when Gandalf came home, things seemed different. Gandalf would speak for hours of the things he did and the people he met. Still, Saruman fought back his bitterness, wrapping his arms around the other man. And Gandalf always returned the embrace. He would whispered words of love, and they were still returned.

And time wore on. And for nearly an Age things seemed at peace again. Jealousy stayed in check. Gandalf seemed to sense Saruman’s loneliness and for a time, kept his travels fewer. The two would walk, hand in hand through Fangorn and sit on the banks of the streams to hear the humming water.

Then Gandalf met the Hobbit. Bilbo Baggins he was called. How Gandalf seemed to glow when he talked about him, went on a journey with him, always visited him. Once more the whispers that Gandalf the Grey, as he was now, rivaled Saruman the White in strength and wisdom. The whispers of love were less frequent now, and they felt more hallow.

Gandalf’s travels came more and more often. Saruman would sit alone in Fangorn and watch the leaves fall. “I love you” He would whisper, but Gandalf wouldn’t be there to answer back.

And Saruman began to doubt. Gandalf never even noticed. The Dark Lord returned, and Saruman fell to darkness. And still, Gandalf in all his travels never thought that the strong handsome man he knew and loved was in darkness, was in doubt.

And now the wind whipped around Gandalf’s frame on the top of this tower. Fangorn was burning below, and Gandalf felt the fool.

“I love you.” He whispered on the wind, and waited for an answer that wouldn’t come.

....wow... a Lord of the Rings Yaoi pairing. Yaoi isn't my thing, but I'm sure my girlfriend would enjoy this greatly. As far as story structure, it was quite well done. Very good.


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