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 Posted: Fri May 25, 2007 7:10 pm
I've been gone for a while.. a long while.. dealing with a lot of mess in my life. Suicidal thoughts came and went with severe depression but I'm well now. Mostly. And I am here to show you all a poem I wrote while in my morbid state of mind. Please tell me what you think
(Untitled)
What is a rhyme?
A symbolic representation of my expression
A mask showing the face of my depression
I am a saint with a mind entangled in my Desire,
But my soul force is fading. My life wants to retire
But what is the perfect method? Can you analyze my depression?
Do your results show a soul losing its only possession?
What is my reprocussion?
My punishment? My condemption?
What will my price be for crimes I dare not mention?
It is undenyable. I have lost it all.
I can have nothing. My only possession is my fall.
But do I dare stare into that blinding light?
Do I dare stare at it till it fades to the night?
I think I might
Its what I see past my mirage of life.
I do not exist, so tell me, when I die, how can I be missed?
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Posted: Sat May 26, 2007 2:43 pm
Well, first off, I'm glad that you are well again. Congrats. on your victory!
I think that this is a really good poem. Good descriptions, good imagery. One thing that is throwing the whole thing off:
I see periods and question marks and what-not in places then a continuation on that same line. Doing that is throwing off the rhyme scheme. Where you have periods or question marks, try using this: ;.
Example: But my soul force is fading. My life wants to retire
^That's what you have.
v Try this:
But my soul force is fading; my life wants to retire
Either do that or do the continuation in a separate line. It'll make the rhyming more together. One other thing: some of the rhyming seems forced.
Otherwise it is really good. =]
Again, congratulations on your victory.
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