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Malva Galencia x Critique needed. (Approval?)

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MagicSpring

PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 3:50 pm


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NAME Malva Galencia
GENDER Female
AGE 21
RACE Lamia
HOMETOWN Mithridatidis
OCCUPATION Working for the Matron Orithyia Archelaus

APPEARANCE

Malva is indeed a beauty, having almond shaped chestnut eyes. The jet black hair of hers is slightly curled, with hints of brown. Her face is framed by her side swept bangs, and skin is lightly tanned. Malva usually wears what most Lamia wear, a bit of revealing clothing.

Ref of face and hair

*The chin is more pointed though

Malva also has an earring on her left ear, it is merely a single feather. The feather is white with grey specks. Could it be from a pennier?


PERSONALITY
Malva is generally a social and outgoing women who tries to get along with everyone. She tries to refrain herself from eating muscherons, but occasionally gives in to a light snack which she can’t refuse. Malva can often lose her temper due to the fact that she has quite a strong will, is quite aggressive, and won’t back down unless absolutely necessary. She is adventurous and loves meeting new people. Being social and outgoing, she loves nothing more then to have fun, but is dead serious in situations when someone’s life is endangered. Except for the muscherons, where should would probably just giggle.
She isn't really optimistic or open-minded, more of a intolerant and consistent. If you act up, she'll be the first one to whack you one the head.


HISTORY

Malva was born in an average Lamia family, with no royal descent and such. During a trip outside of town, a huge accident happened. It seemed as though a stampede of animals had come, and in the rush of trying to escape, Malva’s mother had left her by herself. Unable to find Malva, her mother just left, in fear of another stampede.

Eight year old Malva, alone in the forest for a couple of days, cried almost nonstop. It would seem as though she would die in the wilderness, maybe found be some muscherons and killed.

She was soon found by a group of pennier. The pennier nicknamed her Madeline. After feeding and taking care of her for a while, up to two years or so, they sent her back into the wild (after much crying and good byes) with some basic traveling essentials, hoping that Malva would be able to adventure, for she seemed quite promising. The pennier wanted her to start a new life as an adventurer, something that would benefit her greatly. She survived with the help of other races along the way. Malva grew older and was able to think for herself, thought that the pennier didn't want her because of her different attributes and was furious for she thought that the pennier had deceived her, but they were merely doing what seemed obvious.

Soon after her leaving, she noticed that someone seemed to be following her. She realized that it was one of the pennier from the kind family that took her in. That certain pennier was worried about her well being. Now found out, she joined Malva on her journey, teaching her things about the world and helping her survive. They traveled far and wide with some hitch hiking along the way, even getting far enough to see the Filela-Liram and the Furud Desert themselves!

The pennier whose name was Lenoir would often tell her stories about the Asterion Leugue. Lenoir took great care of Malva and taught her many of the things she knew, such as cooking and sewing.

Growing up with a lot of exposure and chats with other races, all which treated her kindly (except for the muscherons which seemed to run away from her or act up wildly and chase her away), she felt no prejudice, and thought that every race was nice and kind. For four years, she had traveled through the deserts. Then she grew into her teen years, and many people started to act as though she was a thief waiting for the perfect moment to take. They seemed suspicious and watched her wherever she went, and she yearned to get back to her Lamia culture.

She went back to the town of Mithridatidis at age 15 and bid farewell to Lenoir, promising to try and keep in touch. Lenoir in return gave her a feather from her wings.

Mithridatidis was a place where she had heard many stories about, and she finally felt accepted, although she never found her parents. Another Lamia family took her in instead, and she tried to live happily there. The family decided to name her Malva, instead of calling her Madeline, which sounded quite strange. When acquainted with the Matron Orithyia Archelaus, Malva decided to work for her, as a low class assistant. Malva never really got to know the Matron personally, for the Matron Orithyia Archelaus had such high status among Lamia. Growing ever more knowledgeable, she realized the penniers were merely helping her discover her origins. Life working for the Matron was very boring. Malva decided to leave Mithridatidis once again to venture out into the open world, as an adventurer.

By that time, she was seventeen years old, and did not have a lot of experience as a hunter. Traveling out of Mithridatidis, she had trouble being able to use a bow and other hunting equipment without failing. She wished that she had Lenoir by her side, but she hadn't been able to find her.

After a while of wandering with not much luck, she met a human whom had many years of experience as an adventurer. The human women trained her in ranged weapons, mainly a bow and arrow. This continued for three years. Noticing the large amount of agility and skill that Malva had, the women recommended that she get more professional help to refine her skills.

Malva left the women and after endless venturing, she finally found what she was looking for. The Asterion League, which she had heard of from many, many highly skilled and highly ranked people. Determined to prove her true skill, she is hoping to join.


COMMON KNOWLEDGE
-She hails from the town of Mithridatidis
- Seems to be very grateful to pennier, wonder why?
- Galencia doesn't seem to be her true last name


DIVISION Ranged Weapon
CLASS PROGRESSION

Job #1 > Archer – Merely using basic simple archery, no special a skills and such at this job. Can not do much other then shooting an arrow with the power she has herself. Malva’s accuracy is not great, but isn’t horrible either. Her aim isn't quite good.

Melee (0), Ranged (3), Magic/Other (2)

Job #2 > Hunter – Now is able to infuse some magic into arrows, creates stronger attacks. She has gotten quite a lot better at aiming.

Melee (0), Ranged (6), Magic/Other (4)

Job #3> Ranger – Mastered her bow, and can infuse more magic into the arrow, creating different techniques and power. She can not use magic for a very long time. She rarely misses, her aim is almost perfect.

Melee (0), Ranged (9), Magic/Other (6)

*Wears the same outfit each class, but different colour and accessories.
Design
Archer- Red, no special accessories
Hunter - Blue, no special accessories.
Ranger – Green, as seen in the picture. Has broach the shape of a leaf on neck area of dress.


SPECIAL SKILLS

Attack Multiple Targets : Malva is able to manipulate your weapon to hit more than one target in a single round. Take a -2 penalty to your total per additional enemy targeted.

Charge : If Malva spends one round doing nothing but studying their proposed target, she can give herself a one-time bonus on their next attack against that person with their chosen skill. At level 1, she gives herself a +3, at level 2 it's a +6, and at level 3 it's a +9. This bonus only lasts for the round directly after Malva has studied their target and then disappears. This skill does not need to be magical in nature.


WEAPON Bow and quiver of arrows
LEVEL One
POINT ASSIGNMENT Melee (0), Ranged (3), Magic/Other (2)
HIT POINTS 35
EVADE 14
OTHER NOTES Nothing yet
PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 6:07 pm


This is just my opinion, but I don't really think that the EGL look is particularly good for a Lamia. I would suggest something a bit less constraining to put on. Also, people's clothing and appearance change as they level up, so you should at least get an idea of what you'd like Malva to look like later on.

There are some things in the history that need to be tweaked and elaborated upon. The way it's been written, I'm envisioning Malva as a (physically, not chronologically) 8-year-old separated from her mother, and all of a sudden I'm told she's too young to have a name and I'm picturing an infant.

Similarly, "Malva grew older and was able to think for herself, realized that she wasn’t a pennier, and was furious for she thought that the pennier had deceived her, but they were only trying to help."
Children who are "different" than their raising families are generally aware of the fact that they are "different", and this is just when you've got a baby of one ethnicity being raised by parents of another ethnicity. So to say that Malva, a girl with 5 foot of snake tail instead of legs, doesn't realize that she isn't a Pennier until she "becomes older" is really making her sound unusually unintelligent. I would definitely try to do something else here: Malva accepts that she's different but... yadda yadda.

I'm really having a hard time reconciling that Malva apparently doesn't have a name until her teens. I'm sure she'd at least have been given a nickname by the Pennier who found her!

Also, and this is really just me being picky, I'd say that maybe Malva, hearing about how popular the Asterion League was, decided to join. Saying she "stumbled upon it" suggests that it's a little club no one's heard of before.

Other than that, I'm sure you'll take a look at the revised skill system and will be able to tailor your skills accordingly.

fartclops
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MagicSpring

PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 6:13 pm


geishaberry
This is just my opinion, but I don't really think that the EGL look is particularly good for a Lamia. I would suggest something a bit less constraining to put on. Also, people's clothing and appearance change as they level up, so you should at least get an idea of what you'd like Malva to look like later on.

There are some things in the history that need to be tweaked and elaborated upon. The way it's been written, I'm envisioning Malva as a (physically, not chronologically) 8-year-old separated from her mother, and all of a sudden I'm told she's too young to have a name and I'm picturing an infant.

Similarly, "Malva grew older and was able to think for herself, realized that she wasn’t a pennier, and was furious for she thought that the pennier had deceived her, but they were only trying to help."
Children who are "different" than their raising families are generally aware of the fact that they are "different", and this is just when you've got a baby of one ethnicity being raised by parents of another ethnicity. So to say that Malva, a girl with 5 foot of snake tail instead of legs, doesn't realize that she isn't a Pennier until she "becomes older" is really making her sound unusually unintelligent. I would definitely try to do something else here: Malva accepts that she's different but... yadda yadda.

I'm really having a hard time reconciling that Malva apparently doesn't have a name until her teens. I'm sure she'd at least have been given a nickname by the Pennier who found her!

Also, and this is really just me being picky, I'd say that maybe Malva, hearing about how popular the Asterion League was, decided to join. Saying she "stumbled upon it" suggests that it's a little club no one's heard of before.

Other than that, I'm sure you'll take a look at the revised skill system and will be able to tailor your skills accordingly.


Thank you ^_^
PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 6:13 pm


Hey there! You posted your concept just barely before we got the skills system going, so the suggested changes are a bit late. Sorry about that! But please check out the proposed battle skills and regulations!

MagicSpring
SPECIAL SKILLS

Kaleidoscope 07. Attack Multiple Targets
This skill allows multiple arrows to be shot at the same time. Each arrow deals +2 damage.
Random number 5-10 = Number of arrows
This can only be used once per battle. To be used again, 6 hit points would be taken away.

Hound of the Red Plains 08. Summon Shield is the closest approximation to this. We may be able to modify so it gives her an attack bonus rather than HP.
Calls upon the dog spirit to infuse itself with the arrow and it's power.
Random Number 1-5
1. +10% Damage
2. +20% Damage
3. +30% Damage
4. +40% Damage

Fake Spiral Sword 11. Charge
Gives the arrow an extra boost in accuracy.
Roll a 6 sided dice. If the number is even, the summoning completes. If not, then it has failed during summoning.

Camouflage This is not a real racial trait of Lamia, but if it's magical in nature it can still just be a narrative skill that doesn't take up a slot.
Malva's tail will change to match it's surroundings.
Roll a 6 sided dice. If the number is odd, the change completes. If not, then it has failed during the change.

Tales Of Aludra


McFroglegs
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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 7:21 am


Your revised job stuff looks good! The only teeny change I would make is removing the not about her % of misses. You could just say that at level 1, she doesn't hit very fast targets well. We won't make you roll anything beyond the standard system to determine how often she hits. 3nodding

I don't know if anyone else said this, but I don't think the Pennier would send her off into the wilds just because they didn't like her Lamia features. Perhaps if you told us more about the family in particular that she stayed with, this would make more sense. By simply saying she was taken in by a group of Pennier, we can't really identify them beyond typical Pennier behaviour and they are not known for having any specific prejudices against Lamia.

More information on how she fended for herself and spent time with other races would be good. The Ejderha and Duszek are pretty location specific, so it would be good for you to explain how she ran into them, unless she has actually been traveling through Filela-Liram and the Furud Desert.

You say that the Pennier send her off to adventure on her own when she is ten years old, but then later when she is seventeen you note that she had trouble fending for herself. How did she manage this at ten years old? Was she quickly picked up by another race? I think you may benefit from giving her a constant parental figure throughout her history - perhaps one of the Pennier who took her in continued to watch out for her and take care of her.

Malva might benefit from a few more traits mixed into her personality. Try looking over this list for anything that strikes your fancy. :3

Also, I suggest reviewing your concept for typos, etc. You call the Muscherons 'muncheron' and 'mucheron' at one point. gonk

Also of note... Aschere's inhabitants would not take kindly to her partaking in a delicious Muscheron meal. The Relinswood is far more wild than Aschere. Perhaps this causes her some problems?
PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 1:10 pm


Ick, I know I stink..
I'm gonna try to fix everything tomorrow or so ^_^

-Is kinda absent minded today...

MagicSpring


McFroglegs
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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 2:10 pm


Aww, you don't stink. ;_; heart heart heart heart
PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 5:24 am


Well, I've changed some things and such ^_^

Looky me, I'm finally back biggrin

Any critique here? 4laugh

MagicSpring


fartclops
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 3:27 pm


Howdy! Back to go over Malva.

There are some word and grammar errors here that need fixing. I think a good way to solve the problem would be to get someone in an online writing forum who offers proofreading to go over the profile for you. Just running something through Microsoft Word doesn't cut it, because Word often creates errors with its grammar checker.

I'd like to see just a wee bit more in the personality. As it stands it's a bit skimpy. You cover a lot, but I think there's a lot more that could be touched on. For examples of the sort of detail we're looking for, check out the approved and journal folders in the guild.

Appearance
The appearance definitely needs more detail. What kind of build does Malva have? How tall is she? What does her tail look like (referencing a picture of a real snake works very well here)?

History
The history needs work. It may just be best to write up a new history, because there's a lot of thing here, particularly in the beginning-middle, that just don't work - they don't mesh with the setting or they don't make logical sense in general. However, I will go over specific parts of the history that definitely need changing and give my suggestions.

Malva's History
Eight year old Malva, alone in the forest for a couple of days, cried almost nonstop. It would seem as though she would die in the wilderness, maybe found be some muscherons and killed.

She was soon found by a group of pennier. The pennier nicknamed her Madeline.


If Malva is physically eight years old. She would be able to speak and think on a logical level. Remember that eight-year-olds on Earth are usually in the second, third or fourth grade (in the US school system). There's no reason for the Pennier to have to give her a nickname.

Malva's History
After feeding and taking care of her for a while, up to two years or so, they sent her back into the wild (after much crying and good byes) with some basic traveling essentials, hoping that Malva would be able to adventure, for she seemed quite promising. The pennier wanted her to start a new life as an adventurer, something that would benefit her greatly. She survived with the help of other races along the way. Malva grew older and was able to think for herself, thought that the pennier didn't want her because of her different attributes and was furious for she thought that the pennier had deceived her, but they were merely doing what seemed obvious.


Ten is just a wee bit too young, I think, for anyone to send a child out "into the wild" with confidence. Even in tribal communities, most children aren't considered adults until twelve or thirteen or at least puberty. Sending a ten-year-old out on her own is a death sentence. It would be best to edit this by making her older or changing what happens completely.

Malva's History
Mithridatidis was a place where she had heard many stories about, and she finally felt accepted, although she never found her parents. Another Lamia family took her in instead, and she tried to live happily there. The family decided to name her Malva, instead of calling her Madeline, which sounded quite strange.


Once again, Malva was eight years old when separated from her mother. There's definitely no logical reason for Malva to not have had a name previously, and the only way she could've forgotten it and her family is if she had suffered amnesia.

Job Class
Malva does not meet the skill point requirement to cast a "summon shield"
skill until level three. So, swap Summon Shield with Charge.
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Adventurers Lost in the Woods (MIA Concepts)

 
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