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 Posted: Fri May 04, 2007 9:23 pm
Criticize this one!
Love
“Fight for your love,”
That’s what you told me
How can I fight a battle I can't compete in
A battle taken by someone else
Your eyes are always staring out in the distance
When will you stop searching and look at me?
I can never understand what’s in your heart
Is there someone else sleeping deep beneath your smile?
In that day
In that time
What if I threw it all away and loved you?
Would I have been reflected in those eyes?
Can I take you away with me?
I can’t let you go
I know it’s selfish, but I can’t stop myself
Can I love you?
Can I stay here with you?
The more you treasure
The easier it breaks
The more you struggle
The more tangled up you get
Thank you for taking your time and reading my horrible poem! I shall forever be thankful!
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Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 10:15 am
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Posted: Sun May 06, 2007 5:26 pm
My love! Stop putting negative comments on your own poetry! I shall love this forever!:3nod Though the theme, "Love" is cliche.
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Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 9:20 pm
that's really good sweetie. normally i don't like it when the stanzaic structure varies so much, but somehow it works for this one. there are only a couple of things that bug me. one; your reference to a battle as a competition. two; you can't lose a battle, and not compete in it. it's a contradiction. i suggest replacing the line "a battle i can't ever compete in" with "against an enemy i can't even see" or something. i could just be being a snob though, do whatever you want. other than that it's good.
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Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 10:58 pm
frankenkitty666 that's really good sweetie. normally i don't like it when the stanzaic structure varies so much, but somehow it works for this one. there are only a couple of things that bug me. one; your reference to a battle as a competition. two; you can't lose a battle, and not compete in it. it's a contradiction. i suggest replacing the line "a battle i can't ever compete in" with "against an enemy i can't even see" or something. i could just be being a snob though, do whatever you want. other than that it's good.
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Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 9:56 am
I didn't understand the beginning... but I liked the end
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Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 10:27 pm
3m0ch1ck I didn't understand the beginning... but I liked the end
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