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 Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 1:18 am
Seriously! My life is at the worst it's ever been. I'm posting here because I really feel that there is no other place I can bring this up without overwhelming anyone who is sympathetic enough to listen to my problems. You might as well settle in, because this is going to be a long post. Here goes, from the beginning...
Several months back I was making plans to finally do something with my life career-wise. The plan was fairly simple. I would move to Seattle, WA and stay at a friend/ex-college-roommate's place while I tried to find a job. The weekend before I left to do this, through a twist of fate (probably brought about by a meddling mutual friend), *doomy meddles some more and changes your post mwahahahaha* I started dating a woman I've known since high school. She's a single mother who puts her daughter first in everything that she does; something that I really admire about her. She's very smart but a little forgetful and she complains a lot. Actually, I really liked listening to her talk about the things that were bothering her, so none of that was really a problem for me.
I moved to Seattle and we kept in touch via phone and Internet. The friend I was staying with there (known as Sara-without-an-H) had mixed things up a bit by agreeing to let a mutual friend of ours (Leah-with-an-H) stay at her place too. We were all college buddies so this wasn't a bad thing, except that the spare room had been taken and I had to sleep on the living room floor. Well, it took less than a week for the trouble to start although I didn't realize it at the time.
Sara and Leah, having already completed their post-college job search, started becoming very bossy with about how my own search was going. Sara would tell me what sites to post my resume, and to get whatever job I could. I wanted to apply to places I was actually interested in working at, and insisted on doing things my own way. Leah would then criticize me for stressing Sara out. It took me about a month to get hired somewhere.
Well, it seemed like things were going great. I'd gotten a paid internship and was in the black, with all my extra cash going towards getting my own apartment. I had plenty left over to drive for 3-4 hours and visit everyone back home a few times every month. I was basically falling in love. I would look forward to making that drive all week, and it seemed like despite a bit of nervousness that I could really be myself around her.
Sara didn't let up though. No matter how often I helped out around the apartment, it wasn't enough. When Sara started to stress, Leah got on my case about it. With the two of them reinforcing each other in the belief that I was not doing my share, I was really starting to feel like a third wheel in our little group of friends. Finally, I called up my aunt and uncle and arranged to stay with them and after a tense goodbye, I moved out.
My "girlfriend" (the quotes will be explained) had some troubles of her own during all of this. Her roommates (married) had decided to find a place of their own to stay and she couldn't afford rent on her own. As soon as that happened, I couldn't help but notice that she completely changed how she acted towards me. Maybe it was stress, but suddenly she began to push me away; telling me things like "I don't want any obligation right now" and "you know that we are only dating, right? Boyfriend/girlfriend means there is an obligation." That last one hurt like hell.
For months after that (even after she had found an apartment she could afford), our conversations tended to be more about my personal flaws than anything else. Everything from "You speak too softly. It makes it seem like you aren't confident" and "the way you talk isn't very engaging" to how I wasn't very skilled at driving my car (something I disagree with: No accidents in the 10 years I've had my license). I could easily list 20-30 other negative things that were said so that I "would know." There wouldn't be much point though. The problem was that I took each and every one of them seriously and tried my hardest to improve myself. Most of them were true, after all. What I didn't realize was how badly hurt I felt after being criticized by several different people in this way. Eventually, we mutually agreed to stop seeing each other.
Feeling like I needed someone to talk to, I called up Sara and Leah and offered to take them both out to dinner. We had a good time and I generally felt a little better. Numb, but better. Well, it turns out the absence of feeling is a bad sign. The reality was that I was hurt bad by all of the attacks I'd been enduring (including the ones from Sara and Leah before I'd moved out) I didn't know it, but it showed in how irritable and passive-aggressive I would get around people.
Then, seemingly out-of-the-blue, Sara got angry with me over a silly thing and the dam burst. It was me against the mother f**king world. I was a cornered animal in the back seat of Sara's car, and the two of them were lecturing me on my inability to respond to the situation in a mature way. Leah said something I can't even recall anymore and the next thing I knew I was seeing everything through a red haze of rage. There was no way I was going to be put up with being looked down on any longer! I punched the back of her seat before I could stop myself and immediately regretted it.
Nobody said much after that. I had become completely unglued over an argument about a movie. Once we got back to their apartment I grabbed my stuff, went to my car, and cried for about an hour without going anywhere. I hadn't even noticed all the anger that had been building up, and all of it had come to the surface all at once. Worse, was that I took it out on the person who least deserved it. I resolved to do that hardest thing I could imagine doing at that moment. I went back and knocked on the door. When Leah opened it I tried to apologize. Instead, my throat closed up and I couldn't even make a sound. So I hugged her, cried some more, and told her I was really, really sorry. Sara came over to give me a hug as well. Even so, I still loathe myself for doing what I did. I really think people who use violence, especially against someone they care about, are incredibly weak. And I'd become that sort of person.
Despite the hug, during the next few days Sara decided that she was too angry with me to talk to me at all. She informed me over IM. My birthday came a few days after that. Leah came and Sara didn't. I hadn't expected either of them to be there after Sara's reaction. After that I latched onto the one secure feeling I had... Leah, at least, hadn't lost faith in me. Except she had. She and Sara both stopped answering my phone calls. Instead, I would get angry e-mails saying to stop calling. So I had nothing. I'd lost two friends and likely a third in the space of a week. In addition to that, I learned that both my parents were going into surgery at the same time. My father for back problems and my mother because her appendix nearly burst.
My parents are recovering well, but aside from that things really aren't getting any better. Sara will sometimes answer her phone when I call, but I'm too emotionally unstable for them to want to deal with me. I can't help it. All the things that were said continue to eat me up inside. I really feel empty inside, except for how angry I am. Angry at my friends for turning their backs on me when I needed them. Angry at myself for making it happen. I feel like I've woken up from a dream feeling furious without really being able to comprehend why.
Sometimes I'll imagine things I could do to get them all back, just to make them all feel sorry. Not that I would. I'm admitting those thoughts because they show how dark my thinking has become. I can just barely remember what it felt like to be optimistic and sure of myself. That feels like some unreachable ideal. Now I alternate between feeling nothing and feeling anger. Oh, and I got promoted at work. I'm amazed at how meaningless that feels to me now.
So that's my story so far. Reading it over, I'm realizing that I haven't been fair to the friends I still have who really do show concern for me. They do ask each other "how is he doing?" and they do care. Eronix especially. There really hasn't been a single moment when she wasn't cheering me up and making me feel worth something. I'm not going to go back and change it though, because I want people to know what I've going through. That is what has been torturing me. Nobody knows! Writing all that down made me feel better, and I'm posting because a few encouraging words would mean the world to me right now.
One last thing. I really care deeply about all three of the people I mentioned in this post. Please, nobody criticize them. That isn't the reason for this. All of them are very caring people. I doubt they know what I've been going through. The problem is telling them, because being rejected now would crush me.
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:11 pm
Argh! I'm sorry for my crappy negativity! heart I wish I could have been there to comfort you in Seattle. crying Don't worry about things that don't go right for too long. THAT'S when it's not worth it. You've got your friends down here, forever! We're your real friends for sure! 3nodding (Even if I'm nagging you about something......which I know I do when I'm only stressed out.....which is no excuse and I DO care about you!)
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Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 9:25 pm
Wow. eek I really hope you feel better. I know that feeling of emptyness and anger. I'm feeling that more often these days xp It really sucks.
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Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 1:20 pm
I'm me you know, that Cid person. I've wanted to know more about how you were feeling since this whole thing started to spiral in on itself and now I do. It was the time for you to spew a cow which should help you a bit in the long run.
Smithy sent me a short IM the other day, saying he missed me, I don't know why I'm thinking about it now?
I've always valued your friendship, and I'm sorry I'm so far away.
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Posted: Tue May 01, 2007 12:51 am
Thanks for the support everyone! I'll post a follow-up when I get the chance, since there is a little more to tell. For now I just want to say:
Bleu: Don't worry about the negativity thing. I've always known you are the type of person who will be there for your friends no matter what. You're an awsome friend and your support here meant a lot to me. smile
animefreaknva: Make sure to talk about those feelings with someone! My fear has always been that if I show negative emotions like anger, I'll lose the people who are dear to me. If that is what you are going through too then you've got to take that risk. I waited too long and caused more damage than a single shouting-match ever could have. We're here for you if you need support! smile
Moleje: Even from far away you've made a difference. You've been there through some pretty tough times for both of us and I'm glad you've kept in touch all this time. biggrin
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Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 6:41 pm
I'm glad I was able to be there for you, well as much as I could. I'm so bad about keeping in touch with anyone still. I hope my whole antisocial spurt ends soon, because I miss you, funny thing is I think I've spent more time with you than any of our other friends lately...I'm such a butt head. Anyway, I hope things really only get better for you now, well at least for a good while...people need recovery time damn it! (I'm not sure who that was directed at...maybe one of those gods up there...*Shakes fist.*)
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Posted: Tue May 08, 2007 10:51 pm
*Doomy prepares a counter rant... then fails.*
Ahh to know the full extent is good, Despite being an evil meddler and a fiend of a Friend, I do have a perfectly good pair of ears. When you come down next, you and I should go hang out just the two of us and you can Rant to your hearts content, and hell maybe d**k will even let YOU hit him this time hehehe. Now you know the evil of bottling up all your negitive emotions... (it's bad for your spleen too) Trust me when I tell you I know how you feel... the Breakdown and the Blowup cause some major shockwaves. but now I must off to check the breads I have in the oven, so mayhap I will be back in a bit to blab at you some more ^^.
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