perfect | Page 1 | Guild Forums

Gaia Guilds

The Poetry Guild

Back to Guilds

perfect

Chaton de Sang

Offline

Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2007 2:06 pm

Perfect

i lie in my bed
shaking with grief
the knife falls from my hand

why don't i die
i don't even bleed
the wounds dry up to quick

i try again, deeper
then deeper still
jabbing at hollow bones

the results stay the same
the wounds seal back up
leaving the skin uchanged

why does this happen
i would be dead
if i'd lost as much blood
as the tears i have shed
over my perfect body

Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2007 7:33 pm

I like it but the last line "over my perfect body" doesn't seem to fit there somehow....Hm....I don't know how to help you change it though..

Mimiru218

Offline

Chaton de Sang

Offline

Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2007 8:26 pm

yeah, i don't know. i'm thinking about getting rid of that line entirely, but i want a little more feedback before i decide.

Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2007 9:27 pm

i liked it

Young T PHX 602

Offline

Chaton de Sang

Offline

Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 1:11 pm

thanks!

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 7:47 pm

any other thoughts?

Chaton de Sang

Offline

Yuki-PUNK

Offline

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 9:30 pm

You sound like a narcissist in this poem! I like that line "Over My Perfect Body" That's freakin hilarious xd ! You could change how you look into the poem, you know, have a different view in it... What do you want your peom to say? Then you'll be on your way! (hey that rhymed! lol xd ) But the words in your poem are good! Godd job!

Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 11:11 pm

thanks! and yeah, i often sound narcissistic, but the point in this poem is that the girl speaking doesn't want to be perfect. she's self-destructive, not narcissistic.

Chaton de Sang

Offline

Kage-sama-dono

Offline

Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 10:35 pm

Perfect?

More Information

Join Now

// //

Have an account? Login Now!

Welcome to Gaia! ::

Gaia Guilds

The Poetry Guild

Quick Reply

More Information