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 Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 7:53 am
Lady Bourgen Villae
By Sukunami Taka
Dear lady
How do you do?
The sun is bright and my!
Do you look the pretty flower
With a veil of white
Off those delicate arms
Fit to be a virgin bride-to-be, no doubt
Embodied in trailing pinks
And mauve and magenta
A lush bodice
To match the rosy tinge
Upon your visage
Glowing vitality, a picturesque bloom
There follows the trims of lily green
Flashes of tiny buds of sunlight
Peeking in between
What a sight you are in might
Not a thread out of cascade
But alas, the dressmaker
Has been less kind
To your poor cousin, Miss Frangi Pani
Thin and scraggly, forlorn
Rising tall with only a few
Decorated daubs of yellow gold
She cannot be compared to you
Sweetened scent of youth
And open blossoms
Falling around your graceful
Toes, bowing as a ballerina
To her gaudy audience.
Lady Bourgen Villae is a sort of personification/metaphor for the flower of bougainvillea, which I saw cascading along a wall during my stay at Bali. Three colors of pink, white and yellow were merged together, and the blossoms were in abundance, looking beautiful especially in the sunlight. I also noticed a frangipani tree, which on the other hand, was barer; its flowers perched on out reaching limbs. It is interesting to see all the natural beauty around, yet the flowers being different. The frangipani though not as popular as the colorful bougainvillea, still held its own charm with the setting sun behind it, cradled in its branches.
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Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 3:08 am
1) Punctuation is a must for this poem. You don't split that into stanzas, reading becomes a chore and a half.
2) Generally speaking, quit imitating the romantic poets. It wastes words. Too much description that sounds very similar on the same topic that could be cut. If the poem makes sense without it, cut it.
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Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 8:01 pm
I found it rather redundant...
"fit to be a virgin bride-to-be"
"thin and scraggly"
A lot of wasted words here. I would consider revising.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 7:16 am
A little more punctuation would make it easier to read, as the thoughts would be seperated. I liked the poem though: it had good descriptions and a nice flow.
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 9:10 pm
The way you wrote because of the image of seeing the flowers is just great. This isn't my kind of poem though, so, my critique is a little baised (is that how you spell biased?) It sounds very old fashioned, like from an old English poet or something. That may be how you like to write and I really like how you personified the flower as a bride to be. Good work, not my style, but, good work.
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Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2005 4:56 pm
I'm not a patient guy.
You don't see me commenting much on stories, or accepting "new" english, or posting long posts. You won't see my critique on many stories, and I can't even finish these poems. But of what I read, it was...a very good poem. I couldn't read it all. But it was a grand 2 lines. mrgreen
(!)
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Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 5:50 am
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