03/24/07 -- Quite early morning, skimming through past issues. Thought I'd tackle something.
Off my cloud. By TRP
Quote:
"i would be eight other people and then difficulties vanish
only as one i contain the complications" Okay, I'll admit that this was a bit hard to understand at first glance, but I think I understand it after the third read-through. As a reader, I like the way it rolls on my tongue. As a critiquer, I don't like it because it just doesn't have much 'umph'. That was the first line -- the second line is nice. I see that for the second line to work, you need the concept of the first line, but let's clean up the presentation. Also, I can see that the punctuation was voted out of the equation, which might also be adding the confusion.
Quote:
the ceiling unfolds
like origami shapes
in air and takes
back the precious clock
to a falling shock
I'm loving the ceiling/origami imagery. Quite nice. The rhyme is not one of my favorites, which is also from the shortness of your lines. Couldn't there be another word to describe clock rather than 'precious'?
Quote:
a stupid kid
a shooting star
laying on
the counter
for everyone
passing by....
OKay, I'm loving the image. Loving it a whole, whole lot. Once again, I'm not liking the presentation that much, though. Especially the first two lines. I can say those weren't enjoyable in my critiquer-mind.
Quote:
--------------------------------------- its a synthetic reply
--------------------------------------- (not a happy hi)
Oh my. Nice ending! Just, wow -- it's a good, concise way to tell the reader exactly what she/he needs, which is just a little closure.
Overall: Well, I'm not very talented in the non-punctuation poetry, but you seemed to pull it off without making me want to gorge out my retinas. Yay! Though, there were spots that the concept was amazing while the wording was bland.
Reply
