|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu Jul 07, 2005 6:48 pm
4 AM
I'm thinking about you
about the way you make me smile
about the way you make me feel
but mostly, I think
about the way you bring me down
you see, i cant sleep
it's just so cold
and the thought
of you
makes it worse
you're like a drug
you give me highs
and you give me lows
but i love you
still
so it's 4 AM
and all i can
think about
is you
at 4 AM
give me input... heh... constructive critics are welcome
- <3 rose <3 -
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jul 07, 2005 7:01 pm
I think its very good. You definitley put alot of truth into it. wink
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 5:22 am
It doens't suck. It's good. ^^ I like it.
I think in the last stanza, you can take you "at 4 am" It seems to be a bit repetative, especially since you already stated it at the beginning of the stanza.
Other than that, I think it's pretty good. ^_^
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 7:26 am
Repetivity can construct a deep enriched feeling in a work of emotional poetry. I hope that sounded as good as I thought... It's not that good of a poem, but it's still pretty good.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 12:19 pm
It isn't anywhere near the realm of bad. As said 4 am is repeative, thou not a bad thing. Very nice poem.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 4:13 pm
Excellent. Good use of repitition; it's obvious that a lot of thought went into this. Be sure to capitalise beginnings of lines.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 7:06 pm
hey you guys...
thanks for the comments....
and if anyone would like to PM me, that would be good because I have maybe... one friend on here... lol... sad, huh?
- <3 rose <3 -
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 8:31 pm
4 AM
I'm thinking about you - Nice intro
about the way you make me smile - Puts you into the character's heart. Good. CAPITALIZE.
about the way you make me feel - See line above.
but mostly, I think - Capitalize
about the way you bring me down -Capitalize
you see, i cant sleep - Capitalize
it's just so cold - Grabs a piece of what the character feels. Good. Capitalize.
and the thought
of you - Put this little line with the line above it. It doesn't seem right the way it is. Capitalize.
makes it worse - Capitalize
you're like a drug - Simile, nice. Capitalize.
you give me highs - Going off your simile, good. Capitalize
and you give me lows - See line above.
but i love you - Good, a 'but.' Capitalize.
still - Add more. This line lacks something. Be slightly repetitive. Say, "Still, I love you" to let your previous line sink in a little more. Capitalize.
so it's 4 AM - I don't like the use of the word 'so.' Say now instead. It works better, I think. Capitalize.
and all i can
think about - Join with previous line. They sound really choppy apart. Capitalize.
is you - Capitalize.
at 4 AM - Being repetitive isn't so bad here. Your title is 4 AM after all. It makes it sink in a bit more. I think you know this already, but, Capitalize.
Other then what I said, you really need punctuation in this piece. I can't stress enough how much puncutation helps the reader read the piece. overall, this is a good piece of work, however, you need to make a few changes to make it a great piece of work.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
