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 Posted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 9:11 am
I posted this on my Xanga, but some of you guys don't read it.
I think it's best that you guys know this...
I'm sick of hiding this.
Call me emo, call me whatever you want.
Why wasn't I in school today? I was at the therapist.
Why? Because I have issues.
Why am I missing school so much? Because of these stupid appointments. My dad doesn't want anyone to know, so he wants me to tell them that I'm physically sick. I come up with a piss-poo job making up some lie. whether it's I threw up, I hade a headache, whatever.
I've been going to one for quite a while now. For about a year. WHY?
BECAUSE I HAVE DEPRESSION.
What proves this?
The slits on my wrists, the breakdowns I have, my eating disorder, my sleeping problems.
I was suppose to go on pills around June, but I told them I didn't want them. The last thing I want is help from ******** pills. I told them that I would pull through and that I would live a happy life. I couldn't. I was too weak.
If I'm so weak, why don't I breakdown so much in school?
I have a couple of times, but I don't like people knowing that I'm vulnerable and sensitive right now. I don't like crying and bringing everybody down. I try to prove myself wrong and tell myself that I'm strong and that I can get through this on my own, but I can't. This isn't a matter where I can, but I just don't think I can which causes me to fail. No. I am not some super being. I can't do everything. I can't fly to the moon on a horse, I can't stop global warming or go back in time.
What's going to happen now? I am forced to take pills. They will shove them down my throat if they have to. My grandmother and mother do not understand that I'm way past that point where if someone tells me stop, I will. I can't do that. You have to slam it into my face and smack me across the face while telling me every reason why I should stop. Then, I might get part of your point, but still not enough to convince me to stop.
My friends can't help me anymore unless if they can work a miracle.
... Screw it. There are no miracles.
I wanna thank Jonathan, though. The time where I thought I was worthless, he told me I wasn't.
He told me that I make everyone smile and brighten their days.
I was pretty surprised to hear this from someone who was always calling me HO and calling me stupid, but it made me really happy. Thanks, Jonathan, and all my other friends as well.
Teresa and Steph for all the random s**t we talk about.
Andrew and Evan for your retarded comments.
Tejas and your interesting 'yo mamma' remarks.
Joy and Einat for... being Joy and Einat. .___.
Taylor and Lavina for our dirty jokes. ;D
Eden for being so weird.
Sam for her balls. xDDD
Monii-chan and her funny noises. :3
Tsaii for being so awesome. :]
Lol. My big brother (phil). xD
And a hella lotta other people.
Although knowing that I can make other people happy, but not myself, it's sad. And I certainly do not want to spill out everything in my personal life to some woman I hardly even know. They told me they wouldn't force me to tell them things I didn't want to. They lied, but it was also me.
Nobody gets how desperate I am to live a life without crying and slitting my wrists.
The slitting has happened before, but I stopped because I made one of my friends cry. I'm sorry...
Now, I don't think I can stop.
Hell, I don't even think this life is worth living.
Yeah... sorry I lied, Emile. I'm not okay.
Now, I don't know what to do. My friends can only make me smile and keep me happy only for a little while, but they cannot cure this depression I have. And I refuse to take pills. I don't want to be sent to an institute.
What did I ever do wrong? What did I ever do?
What was the decision I made me into this? Why did I make it?
Was I stupid? Yes I was.
My goal right now is to find what caused me to be like this. a girl hiding behind her hair, sitting in her room slitting her wrist and then faking a smile the next day. A girl who gives up when everything seems to be going wrong, a girl who lies to herself and her friends, telling them and herself she's fine. A girl that made her father call her a mistake. A girl that is nothing but a burden.
Living day to day takes all the strength I have. After school, I come home and collapse. Whether it's the couch, my bed, even the floor. I just wantede to sleep my life away.
All those songs I listen to when I'm sad aren't going to help anymore. My friends are my only reason for living. Otherwise, I would've shot myself a long time ago. I don't care if the school tracks down this site [unlikely] and reads this then tell me that I am in no condition to go to school because I am a threat to myself. ******** them. The way they're trying to protect me from myself is only making me want to kill myself faster.
What happened to me? I've turned into this skeptical, secretive person. I always tell my friends everything, but now they only get half the story. Hell, even Vivian (my bestest best childhood friend) doesn't even know about this. Sorry for not telling you.
But I want everyone to know [unless if you're a complete stranger] that I love all of you. Those of you who don't even consider me as a friend, I still care about you.
Right now, it looks like living a normal and happy life is a little too much to ask for...
And what I need is a little support.
Thanks for reading.
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Posted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 12:11 pm
I know this has been happening to you allot. but lies of life is something that should be broken. You don't need a therapist to 'cure' you becaues you dont' need to be cured. They just want your money and put false ideas in your head saying that you need help. You don't. Your still a studient in middle skewl for cryin out loud. Pills normally have a bad side affect. but if the pills work then they should be good to take. Like thoes chewy stufflez you get when you are a kid t hat has thoes simple flavors within them. It's espically fun if you have thoes gummy bear like ones so that you can bite off their heads with out them atacking you for it. That's fun to do. but anywho... everyone has a weak side within themselves. It may be hard to find it with in a 'pro-active' person because you rarely find them sad. But everyone has a weak side within them but to a certian degree. There has to be a weak side and a strong side in a person. If there's more depression, there will be more of an upper side*dunno a better word*... Every one is caple of doing something 'they arn't capable of doing'. Becuase everyone can do anything they want. There's no limits in life unless you believe that you will die and never come back to earth. Friends can help 'cuz that's what they are for.
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Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 3:53 am
please stay strong! you might be going through a rough time right now and you might think there is no way out, but things will clear up and get better! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE LIKE FAMILY TO ME AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS! AND WE LOVE YOU! heart heart
-Alexis D.
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Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 1:10 pm
-hug-
From your darkest moments may come your brightest. Don't give up hope.
Anyway, I personally think therapy and guidance and all that is a waste of time. People aren't going to change unless they want to change and no one can change that. People may go to guidance every day, but they're not going to find the initiative to change. There are no shortcuts. That's just life. It's a natural cycle: you make mistakes, you fight it, you learn from it, you try not to make it again. No one's perfect, and we're all a burden sometimes, but we try to find peace and happiness. That's the best anyone can do.
Okay, I know I was rambling, but I meant every word of it. heart
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