Chapter 1
In the middle of cafeteria is a group of teenagers. All are laughing, almost to the point of tears. All are smiling. All seem happy. At the center of the group, where whatever joke they are sharing in seems to have originated, stands a girl. She’s smiling slightly, but doesn’t seem to think her joke was as funny as the rest of them believe. Still, she’s happy to make others happy. Someone should be. Kel looked around at the kids surrounding her, they were still laughing. That was how the days always passed, when people saw her, she was smiling. Away from her peers gaze, there was rarely a smile on Kel’s face. Kel passed the school day in a blur and went home. It was Thursday again. Thursdays didn’t hold the same excitement for Kel of the next day being Friday. For Kel, Thursday meant getting in the car with her dad and driving fifteen minutes away to her doctor.
Kel walked into the doctor’s office. Her dad sat on the couch while she paced. She always paced. He always sat on the same couch. The doctor appeared in the doorway wearing a clean and crisp suit. Dr. Montgomery always wore a suit. It was always crisp. The psychiatrist led her back into his office and Kel sat down on the couch. The couch was hard to get comfortable on. It was too wide and too soft. It always was.
The doctor asked how she was doing. Kel’s answer was the same as always. “I’m fine. Not happy, not sad, just fine.” She felt numb. Time spent with her friends and boyfriend was only fun for a few moments. Glimmers of happiness were just that; glimmers. Brief moments that disappeared almost as fast as they had appeared, leaving her world grey. The next hour was $120 of talking about Kel’s feelings. What feelings? I feel numb.
As she walked out of the building with her father and got into the car, he asked, “Do you think it helped?” He would ask.
“I don’t know,” Kel would always answer. Every week was the same thing. Kel wondered when her life had become like some children’s song, sung over and over until the words lost meaning. “The wheels on the bus go round and round,” repeat until brain dead. Always the same old thing and it bored Kel.
Chapter 2
Everyday had its own routine and each act contributed or relieved her depression. Her days always started with the alarm going off at 6. She never listened to the alarm. The day always started with the alarm followed closely followed by four or five sets of the snooze button. It always happened that way. Kel would wake up, roll out of bed and get dressed. Next came breakfast, always cereal and milk. Then off to school. Her school, her friends, her sports, all put stress on her. With all of those pulling on Kel, it was hard to keep up a façade of normality. Each day she went through it. Kel arrived at school and sat in the same place she sat in every day. How can people enjoy consistency? When we’re all going to die so soon, why not enjoy the constant change?
Her friends started to arrive. Kel’s mom wasn’t very fond of her friend. It wasn’t that her mom thought that her friends weren’t nice people; it’s just that Mrs. Anders didn’t like the environment that they provided for her. Many people in her circle of friends had been depressed. Many of them cut or did drugs, but not Kel. She had stayed away from all of that. She wouldn’t take a knife to her skin and was afraid of what she might do or say if she went under the influence. Of course Kel had thought about suicide. What teenager didn’t? But it was more as in a way to escape of the pressures of life, never as a means to end it. She enjoyed her life, even though it was grey. Kel never thought seriously about suicide, since she’d seen the effects it had on the families of the deceased. Suicide wasn’t an option for her.
Chapter 3
So let’s go back to Kel who is currently sitting in a group of her friends at school before the morning bell. Kel looked up from the person she was talking to and smiled; her boyfriend had arrived. Kel stood up and smiled. Eric pulled away.
“Let’s go for a walk,” Eric suggested. That was bad and everyone in the group knew it. Whenever someone in their group suggested ‘a walk’ it meant there needed to be a talk. Kel pulled away trying to keep her emotions off her face, Kel took a deep breath and nodded. As they walked, Kel wanted to grab his hand, to hold it as his girlfriend, just one more time, but she held it back. After a few more moments of silence Eric finally spoke. Kel wished he hadn’t. “We need to break up.” And there it was, just five little words and Kel was plunged into a world of black. For any girl, a break up was back, but because of her mental disorder, it was worse. Her emotions were thrown into turmoil but somehow, Kel managed to keep her face blank. “I just can’t take how detached you are,” Eric continued. You and me both. “This is what I’m talking about! You don’t even seem to care that I’m dumping you!” If you only knew.
“I try, you know I try, it’s just with my depression-” Kel started to say quietly, but he cut her off.
“I’m tired of having to deal with your stupid issues!” Eric said. Everyone in the hallway was staring. Let them stare. He’s making the fool of himself, not me.
“Fine then!” Kel shouted back. She turned her back on him and walked away. Kel didn’t want her to see the tear slip out of her eye. Kel made a course straight for the bathroom. She locked herself in the stall and leaned against one of the walls. She cried. Kel heard the bell ring and then the late bell, but still she didn’t leave the stall. Within the confines of the stall she could pretend none of it had happened. She could pretend that she still had a boyfriend. Finally after twenty minutes of just looking at the stall walls, Kel walked out of the stall and grabbed her cell phone. Her mom called her out sick and Kel drove herself home.
When she got home, her mom was already there. She didn’t want Kel to be home alone. “Mom,” Kel started, anger slipping into her voice, “I’m not going to do anything! I don’t cut, I don’t snap, I’m not going to try and kill myself!” It was a conversation they’d had many times. Kel doubted there was any point, no matter how low, in which suicide would look good to her. Every time she heard someone talk about killing themselves all she could think was, weak. It was nobler to keep living and get help then to ‘wuss’ out and kill yourself. That was how Kel managed to get through each long day.
Chapter 4
Kel talked with her mom a bit about what had happened. Her self-esteem took a blow. She walked into her room and dropped her backpack by the door. Kel dropped onto her bed. She stared at the ceiling blankly, drained and fatigued, but not really tired. After a bit, Kel grabbed one of her books which rested on her nightstand and began to read. She tried to lose herself in the story, to get away from the issues of the real world. As the action occurred in whatever book she was ready, Kel would feel a surge of adrenaline go through her. It felt wonderful, it made her feel alive. The illusion worked only so long as Kel continued to read, but everyone had to close the cover on the story sooner or later, thrusting Kel back into her own world with its gray sky. Kel took a shower and pushed her food around on her plate at dinner. She went to bed and slept a dreamless sleep. The next morning Kel woke up to the same alarm. It was as if yesterday had never happened. But she knew it had. Kel had to push through the day and all of those following it knowing that yesterday had been real. The future looked bleak, but Kel kept going in hopes that there would be a moment and everything would shift back to how it used to be. Bright, colorful, and happy.
There is no resolution to this story, no happy ending. This isn’t the end, not by a long shot. This is just a sample of one teenager’s life. It’s a scene that’s replayed over and over throughout the world. Maybe the ages are different, maybe the teen turns to drugs to help them escape instead of books. But the message is the same and it continues to happen. “The wheels on the bus go round and round…”
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