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 Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 12:18 am
This new poem I wrote for my poetry class. Audrey
Walking down the street with musical notes for feet
A city girl hums along to music only her ears can hear,
Arms heavy with plastic bangles and scars from a day only time remembers
Her celebratory manor comes off her in great spirals infecting passersby with
Irrepressible smiles and content that sends shivers down the spine and
Calm to the mind, the truth comes out when
Ducking into an alley it all comes crashing down, out
Comes the needle and then off comes the grin, but what will happen when
The last thing falls in, when the streets won’t pay, when her youth dies.
When she asks “what happened to my veins?” with
A lifestyle that’d make the sanest person insane will she
Pull herself up by the bootstraps and live or
Simply give up and keep on living even as she’s dying
And even though she’s in pain nothing.
Nothing will change who she’s been.This poem I found from a notebook from when I was in 6th grade (2 years ago) and There was a collection of poems and starts of poems much like this. This is fairly unfinished but it is the most put together in the bunch so I changed the grammer and some of the words and typed it up. Please tell me what you think.
UNTITLEDMy Dreams have been shattered
My hope stolen away
The light behind my eyes has faded
There is only one thing that remains
This love for you I carry
This love that has torn me apart
This love is the thief and destroyer
Of my hope as well as my heart
Although I see it’s true nature
It seems that it won’t disappear
If love is pure and true and sweet
Then why is it the reason for my tears?
This poem is going to be published at the company my auntie works at. It's not quite finished. It has grown and flourished, and taken a very wonderful turn. But the Last of the three stanzas just isn't quite right, I would very much appreciate people just reading and telling me what they think, I need to know what's working and what's not.RejectsThese days we all require the best
The Elite, Top-Rated, The unique
In result we don’t appreciate
What could get us through the week
The girl who sits alone
Quietly taking notes
How could she wear those things?
She doesn’t know what goes
Nor does she really care
She’s happier than us
She ignores us as we stare
As we worry about our weight
Our Fashion sense, our Friends
Our miniscule mistakes
She’s thinking of all the things
she is planning to achieve
she alone is untroubled
she alone dares to be free
These days we all act tragic
Maimed, damaged, or broken
When someone needs attention
We prefer not to take notice
Then sometimes there are others
Who really need the help
Who can’t be recognized amongst
The sea of fakes and doubt
Inside they are screaming
Outside they stay calm
Nothing seems to perturb them
No matter how sick or wrong
Shallow, Self centered, Determined to win
What we all have in common
Is where the trouble begins
From the girl we beat in the parking lot
For talking a different way
To the girl who cheated death
Because we ignored that she was dismayed
Would it kill us to reach out?
To accept how others feel?
Does it matter what they’re wearing?
Do their sorrows have to be real?
Bludgeoned, or gently pushed over the edge
If we don’t stop then..
Who will?
Should they stop being upset or scared?
Should they pretend that they actually care?
It seems what we fail to realize
Is that it’s our problem
Not theirs.Thank you for reading, I appreciate it. heart
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 7:58 am
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 5:21 pm
THIS POST WAS OBNOXIOUS (edit)
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 5:22 pm
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Kharne Bloodhowler Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 5:45 pm
I have been quite busy as of late, sorry.
Anyway, you did a good job and the message it presents is quite true and most unfortunate.
I hope to continue reading what you post.
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 7:42 pm
I really like this poem. The truth in it is brutal, at least to those that have never been the reject. I think it would be a good idea to publish it. It sends a great message and it's very well written. I like the rhyming in it; it's subtle but there. It doesn't seem to restrict the poem or limit its possibilities as rhyme can sometimes do.
It's overall a very good piece, imo. You're right though, there's just something slightly off about the last stanza... I can't put my finger on it for the life of me. As for anything else I could recommend... Hmm. Not that it's a requirement, but perhaps a few commas and pauses here and there would improve the flow, or at least help people to read it and notice the flow.
I really hope this comment helps you some and I'm sorry for not posting sooner. I've been really busy, or out of town for the past four days. I hope you get this one finished up and published!
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 9:16 pm
Wow, I really like this one. I don't think that it's perfect already. I don't think that anything needs to be changed. It has a great flow, it's full of meaning, it's well written, well worded, it's embedded with emotion. I think that there is not a single thing wrong with this poem and I congratulate you on getting published. It's nice that someone among those with great talent can be recognized. I hope to read more of you work, loslover.
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Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 9:29 am
Isis375 I really like this poem. The truth in it is brutal, at least to those that have never been the reject. I think it would be a good idea to publish it. It sends a great message and it's very well written. I like the rhyming in it; it's subtle but there. It doesn't seem to restrict the poem or limit its possibilities as rhyme can sometimes do.
It's overall a very good piece, imo. You're right though, there's just something slightly off about the last stanza... I can't put my finger on it for the life of me. As for anything else I could recommend... Hmm. Not that it's a requirement, but perhaps a few commas and pauses here and there would improve the flow, or at least help people to read it and notice the flow.
I really hope this comment helps you some and I'm sorry for not posting sooner. I've been really busy, or out of town for the past four days. I hope you get this one finished up and published! Thank you very much! That's very helpful. Sorry I got mad sweatdrop
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Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 1:12 pm
the flow in the last stanza seems a bit off to me... i just don't understand how you got from talking about how you're being troubled by simple problems... to beating a girl in the parking lot...
Hope that helps a little... biggrin
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Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 6:01 pm
ChandaPanda123 Isis375 I really like this poem. The truth in it is brutal, at least to those that have never been the reject. I think it would be a good idea to publish it. It sends a great message and it's very well written. I like the rhyming in it; it's subtle but there. It doesn't seem to restrict the poem or limit its possibilities as rhyme can sometimes do.
It's overall a very good piece, imo. You're right though, there's just something slightly off about the last stanza... I can't put my finger on it for the life of me. As for anything else I could recommend... Hmm. Not that it's a requirement, but perhaps a few commas and pauses here and there would improve the flow, or at least help people to read it and notice the flow.
I really hope this comment helps you some and I'm sorry for not posting sooner. I've been really busy, or out of town for the past four days. I hope you get this one finished up and published! Thank you very much! That's very helpful. Sorry I got mad sweatdrop Don't worry about it! It's quite understandable, trust me. I've felt the same a number of times. I'm glad I could help. =)
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Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 10:51 am
hey chandy thanks for the invite thing for the guild i just wanted to thank you. also i really like and i remember it when you first showed it to me and i think it has really progressed into an even more awesome poem, i like some of the cool or funny details like the first stanza is great!!! bravo!!! heart blaugh blaugh blaugh
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Posted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 3:39 pm
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 1:56 pm
try being more suttle with your poetry and using literary devices like metaphors and allusions
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Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 10:35 pm
celticlady101 try being more suttle with your poetry and using literary devices like metaphors and allusions That's kinda unspecific...and not really the style...but thanks. I appreciate it.
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Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 4:30 pm
I really enjoyed them especially the second. it really touched me as someone who realizes that just because people are different, it doesn't make them strange. Keep up the good work. smile
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