|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 4:56 pm
I am hell's own devil.
A demon beyond others.
I laugh in the face of death and won't
question why.
I truly am hate.
I truly am darkness.
I truly am that which causes ache.
I wonder why I'm hated.
I can't figure out why.
Then I remember, I mock them while
they cry.
Do I need to be around?
There are other assholes to make things worse.
But then again I'm the reason your in a hearse.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 12:41 pm
It's has alot of emotion and is really good. The setup I think needs to be a bit different though. The first stanza with the four lines was good, but then you didn't do that again. I was a bit confusing to me, especially since I could see where the next line would have started if you had seperated the last though in the stanzas. Other than that, I thought it was good!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 11:09 am
Reminder: Parallel structure is always cool. Creates rhythm if nothing else. first and third stanzas, obviously, are meant to mirror and complement one another- but he last line in the first stanza is an action (question why) and the third is a subject plus action (they cry). Rephrase that to create continuity.
Third line in the first stanza needs a comma.
's great that you have a transition from the beginning of the poem to the end. Too many people forget that a portrayal of things as they are at a moment doesn't offer perspective on the world- you need the change. And thank you for remembering.
Second stanza- don't touch the first two lines. In fact, I might leave the third line alone too, except "that which causes ache" doesn't seem to exceed hate and darkness. I do like that the syllables/line increases steadily.
Your last line would be stronger without the "then again."
Ask yourself every minute, "can I shorten this line by even a syllable."
(ie: Do I need to be around? => Am I needed?)
*considers*
Thumbs up. Better than anything I've read all night.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 3:32 pm
very nice, dark poem.
good use of repitition.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 6:23 pm
I don't like how you curse in your poems. IT isn't so much that I'm against cursing (even though I don't often curse) more then it is the fact that it throws off the poetic beauty. Other then that, the poem was generally good.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 10:12 am
Merenwen99 I don't like how you curse in your poems. IT isn't so much that I'm against cursing (even though I don't often curse) more then it is the fact that it throws off the poetic beauty. Other then that, the poem was generally good. It's not cursing, if you dont like the word hell than stay out of the bible and school.Plus it's a free verse. And what you consider poetic beauty and what I consider poetic beauty differs a lot. When I'm beeing dark and vengeful I think thats beauty. Maybe you like poems about happy bunnies and pink rainbows but those make me sick to my stomach. And some of you poems weren't very good so I chose not to do what you do.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 5:15 pm
ezekiel_vamp Merenwen99 I don't like how you curse in your poems. IT isn't so much that I'm against cursing (even though I don't often curse) more then it is the fact that it throws off the poetic beauty. Other then that, the poem was generally good. It's not cursing, if you dont like the word hell than stay out of the bible and school.Plus it's a free verse. And what you consider poetic beauty and what I consider poetic beauty differs a lot. When I'm beeing dark and vengeful I think thats beauty. Maybe you like poems about happy bunnies and pink rainbows but those make me sick to my stomach. And some of you poems weren't very good so I chose not to do what you do. I think she was referring to the word "a*****e" not hell. I do agree that it seems out of place there. Other than that, I thought this poem was good- but you misspelled "you're".
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 9:03 pm
The Essence of Evil ezekiel_vamp Merenwen99 I don't like how you curse in your poems. IT isn't so much that I'm against cursing (even though I don't often curse) more then it is the fact that it throws off the poetic beauty. Other then that, the poem was generally good. It's not cursing, if you dont like the word hell than stay out of the bible and school.Plus it's a free verse. And what you consider poetic beauty and what I consider poetic beauty differs a lot. When I'm beeing dark and vengeful I think thats beauty. Maybe you like poems about happy bunnies and pink rainbows but those make me sick to my stomach. And some of you poems weren't very good so I chose not to do what you do. I think she was referring to the word "a*****e" not hell. I do agree that it seems out of place there. Other than that, I thought this poem was good- but you misspelled "you're".
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 9:14 am
Great imagry... such a dark poem I love ones like this... you had great emotion through it... keep it up...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 7:36 pm
Pretty good poem, but there were a couple of points that, personally, I would revise.
In the first stanza, I would break the third line after "death" and continue the rest into the fourth line.
In the third stanza, it's the same thing. I would change it to something like:
"I wonder why I'm hated.
I can't figure out why.
And then I remember--
I mock them while they cry."
Or... Something like that ^.^
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
