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 Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 4:19 am
Yes, its not very good. Of cource writing was never my forte, but I did capitalize God after a long unreasonable responce from Jesus kid. Enjoy, and let me kow what you think. =]Look at me, what do you see? I’m nothing like you, but then again, I’m also not what you think.
I don’t follow your religion and I dress in all black. You think your final word is enough to change me back.
I know that I am not what you want and I don’t follow the word of God. But you can’t make me change from something I never was.
But I hope, deep down inside one day you’ll see, I’m only evil if you make me out to be.
- Hobbit
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Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 4:10 am
I really like it ^^ Do you have more of this?
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Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 9:39 am
Saddly no, I have nothing to add and I don't write that often. Most of what I write is based on psychology.
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Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 6:51 pm
I love Hobbit's though my idea, used well, and I agree evry one has one. Here's mine:
Dear Mother,
Even on Christmas you never stopped. Words flown in a drunken flurry, snow fell, children laughed as their parents tried out the gifts they got their kids. You mommy dearest did so much better. My gift to you was ugly, bad, stupid, pointles, and mine undeserved and too expensive for me. What happened?, was I bad?, did I do something wrong? And why do you cry on Christmas? I was five when I first learned I shouldn't get a Christmas, my brother should get my presents instead. Oh brother why?, why did you leave her to me?, was I bad?, did I do something wrong? And why at five do I want to die? Even on Christmas.
Even on christmas did I die, in my head, I heard a voice sweet and kind. The grim creeping on me. At six I died, were you there? An angel was. My screams thrown up along with the water from my lungs. And your eyes fixed on me through the window, not a finger will you lift, not a day you will work, for my angels are here. And now my christmas present to you is death, though not mine, yours, now you die, everything turns on you, my angels turn on you, and I too mommy dearest turn on you. Hate yourself, mommy, because now I am Kylo Tenshi, the only angel in hell, or to escape.
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Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 6:50 pm
Yes love, your story was very well writen.
lol, just let eveyone know that your mother was one psycho-b***h.
-a random thought by your suggie
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Posted: Tue Jan 23, 2007 10:20 am
Very well written! Good work, really.
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Posted: Tue Jan 23, 2007 11:29 am
To Mistresshobbit's, I definitely like it, but I think it could still use a little bit of work. The emotions at the beginning of it seem to border on almost being spiteful, especially in the second line, but then it almost takes a 180 and it seems much more sympathetic to the person being spoken to. Usually an emotional transition like this is okay, but in something so short it makes it seem like whoever wrote it was confused on what they wanted to do. I suggest try changing a few word choices to go with one specific brand of emotion. Either sympathetic, maybe a little bit of pity, for the person or more towards the harsher, spiteful side.
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Posted: Tue Jan 23, 2007 4:55 pm
Ruysomvynt To Mistresshobbit's, I definitely like it, but I think it could still use a little bit of work. The emotions at the beginning of it seem to border on almost being spiteful, especially in the second line, but then it almost takes a 180 and it seems much more sympathetic to the person being spoken to. Usually an emotional transition like this is okay, but in something so short it makes it seem like whoever wrote it was confused on what they wanted to do. I suggest try changing a few word choices to go with one specific brand of emotion. Either sympathetic, maybe a little bit of pity, for the person or more towards the harsher, spiteful side. I suppose that would be true, but the story behind it is short and of course, it was based upon my life. I'm constanly changing, so it's the only thing that suited at the time.
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 7:23 pm
Mistresshobbit Ruysomvynt To Mistresshobbit's, I definitely like it, but I think it could still use a little bit of work. The emotions at the beginning of it seem to border on almost being spiteful, especially in the second line, but then it almost takes a 180 and it seems much more sympathetic to the person being spoken to. Usually an emotional transition like this is okay, but in something so short it makes it seem like whoever wrote it was confused on what they wanted to do. I suggest try changing a few word choices to go with one specific brand of emotion. Either sympathetic, maybe a little bit of pity, for the person or more towards the harsher, spiteful side. I suppose that would be true, but the story behind it is short and of course, it was based upon my life. I'm constanly changing, so it's the only thing that suited at the time.
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Posted: Sun Feb 25, 2007 2:20 pm
I loved both Hobbit's and Rainbow's poems. They emitted a sort of melancholy pride at being separated from their mothers. Great job guys. I'm only sorry that you both feel this way...
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