Welcome to Gaia! ::

Yeah, It's his first Fanfic!!! He needs some consturctive critizm or praise! So I told him to post it! Well I think you did a really good job for your first time. Some people who write for the first time make tons of mistakes.

Ya, I know. I am not rally even close to finishing it, and I don't have chances to work on it so it will take a very long time for me to finish it.

Actally, Love_to_live is right. Open any 'proffesionaly' written book in your house- you'll see that dialogue is seperated into paragraphs. Being a one shot isn't an excuse for a fic to be poorly written, especially if you get readers like me who will quit reading after a few sentences if there are too many flaws in the writing. The point of writing fanfiction is to get others to read your work. It may be boring, but it will improve your writing.

I also think it need to be longer...and I also think you got the characterization right, if a bit stiff. Oh...also avoid using slang like 'bummed'. Excellent start, especially for your first fic! You could actually take this a lot farther, especially with plot development.

Thanks, right now I am not too woried about dialogue and specifics, but I guess I should work on it.

I finially found the time to write some more of my fanfic, also I found the time to fix it which took from 40-50 minutes to fix chapter one.. I guess, that is this Chapter one.

Lee’s Big Moment
By: 00RockLee00

There was a academy reunion for all Genin in the village of Konoha, it reunion was a dance. The academy leaders argued if Lee should be able to go seeing how he droped out, they finally decided that he should go since he is technically a Genin.

Lee was in the forest training, and he was in deep thought. Why can’t I do anything right? He started thinking as he was punching the familiar tree trunk. Ever since that mission I can’t get her our of my head. Maybe I can ask Tenten to the dance. His heart beat seamed to go faster. No I can’t do that. She likes… Neji. Thinking of that seemed to make Lee punch the tree trunk harder. She will most definitely dump me. If she says no I will be really embarrassed and I won’t even want to talk to her ever again. He started to punch a little lighter. On the other hand if she says yes then that would be awesome. Hmm… I shouldn’t ask her still. She likes Neji and she will never say yes to me. We are just friends. Lee finished his punches at this point. I may talk to her a lot, but she talks to a lot of guys pretty often. I hate this.
Lee quit training, he wasn’t able to concentrate on it. He went to walk around the village to try and get Tenten out of his mind. Unfortunately, everything Lee saw made him think of Tenten even more though. He saw restaurants that he and Tenten ate at, he saw a weapon store they bought their weapons at. Lee just couldn’t get her out of his mind no matter how hard he tried.
As soon as Rock Lee was about to head to Gai Sensei to ask him to supervise his training, he heard a voice saying ‘Hi, Lee-san.’ Lee turned around to find Tenten heading towards him. He wasn’t one to get nervous around people. ‘Ohh, Hello Tenten-Chan. What are you doing here?’ he said. ‘I am on my way to train with Neji.’ Tenten said with a smile on her face. ‘Ohh, cool, I am just going to train by my self again.’ Lee said back trying not to sound upset about her training with Neji. ‘Don’t work yourself too hard like you always do. Well, I got to go I am late and Neji is probably waiting for me. Bye!’ Tenten then started running off. ‘See ya.’ Lee called after her.
Lee continued on his way back to the forest. He hated those quick conversations with her, which are basically Hi and Bye. Now Lee was mad at all this, so he sprinted all the way back to the forest to train by himself again. As soon as he got to the forest he attacked the tree stump, he trained to all through the night. By the next morning he couldn’t move and he threw up, due to training so hard. Lee was lying there in the dirt and it was about five in the morning, he wasn’t feeling good at all. He was just about to pass out when he heard Tenten’s voice yelling ‘Lee-san… Lee-san where are you?’ Lee called back ‘Over here Tente-’ at that moment Lee coughed up blood. ‘Lee-san!!!’ Tenten yelled as she was running over to him, but when she got close Lee passed out.

Lee woke up in the Konoha hospital with Tenten sleeping in a chair in the cornor of the room. He still couldn’t move at all. After a few moments Tenten started to stir and woke up slowly. She finally notice that Lee was awake and yawned ‘Good morning Lee’ She said with a smile on her face. ‘Ohh, Morning Tenten-san.’ Lee said with a small smile. ‘You gave us all quite a scare. I told you not to push yourself too hard.’ Tenten said in a I told you so voice. ‘What was wrong with you last night? Usually you train yourself till you have just enough chakra so you can walk home.’ she said staring at him waiting for an answer.
‘Ohh, ya, I just wanted to.’ Lee said, trying to hide the real reason. ‘Come on Lee, you and I both know that there has to be some reason of why you did that.’ she said. ‘Umm…no, I just let myself go too far.’ Lee said, still trying his best to hide the truth. ‘Ohh. well, don’t do that you scared me!’ Tenten scolded him. ‘Sorry, but why did you come looking for me anyway Tenten-Chan?’ Lee wondered. ‘Ohh, that is easy, every time you go home you pass by my house. After a while of you not being there I got worried and went looking. I got Gai Sensei to come along but I found you first.’
As soon as she finished a nurse came into the room and said ‘Here is your medicine sir and we will be keeping you here till tomorrow morning, but you will be able to go to the dance tomorrow evening.’ Lee said, thank you, and the nurse left. After a moment of silence Tenten said ‘Well my parents were mad that I stayed here over night so I better go home now. I’ll see ya later.’ As she said that she left.


Thanks for reading, and tell me what you think.