((N.Y.P. EPISODE 1: START))
Craig Williams had just sat down to eat his morning bowl of ramen when someone knocked on the door. Thinking it might be his very first client, he rushed to answer it.
Unfortunately, the guy at the door appeared to be an original character, unaffiliated with any particular series that could have need of N.Y.P.'s services.
"Whadya want, stranger?"
"I heard you were hiring and would like to apply for the job."
"Who told you I was hiring? Cause I'm not."
"But you're the only one here. Surely you could use some help?"
"Maybe." Craig shrugged. Perhaps he'd hear what the guy had to say.
"Here's my resume, Mr. Williams."
"Let's see here... Why on Crossover Boulevard did you type your resume with the wingdings font?"
"Um... It's the only font on my computer. Is that a problem?" The stranger asked nervously.
"You got a computer and printer?"
"Yes."
"Bring it in and agree to a salary of 2% of the total profits, and you're hired."
"Thank you, sir! I'll get started right away!"
"Hold it. What's your name?"
"Uh... Bob."
"Just Bob?"
"That's right. So, should I take the desk?" Bob pointed to the school desk in the middle of the office.
"No way, that desk's mine. You can take the cardboard box in the corner."
"Oh, right... Of course." There was definitely something fishy about this Bob guy, but Craig decided it didn't matter too much at the moment. Their first real customer had just showed up.
~~~
Cloud Strife was starting to have second thoughts about coming here. It didn't look all that... Professional, to say the least. But, if they could really solve his problem, perhaps that could be overlooked.
"Ah, Mr. Strife! What brings you to our office?" Mr. Williams asked, a smile on his face.
"Well, you see... Aeris went off on her own again, this time to the City of the Ancients... And now Sephiroth's gone after her. I'd really like to help, but tonight is the big Chocobo Bowl game between the Midgar Marlboros and the Nibelheim Behemoths. Red's hosting the party at his place with all the fixins, and I gotta be there to collect the winnings from Barret since THE BEHEMOTHS ARE SO GONNA WIN!" Cloud pumped his fist into the air.
"Right." Craig sweatdropped, "So, what do you want us to do about it?"
"All I want you guys to do is go to the City of the Ancients and save her from Sephiroth. Easy enough, right?"
"But wouldn't that completely unravel the epic storyline of Final Fantasy VII?" Bob spoke up.
"Say what?"
"Never mind. We'll take the job, if you'll just sign here and here, Mr. Strife..." Craig handed him the forms that had just been printed out,
"Call me Cloud. Even in my world, nobody calls me 'Mr. Strife.'"
"Of course. And you're required to pay up front."
"Whatever. Do you take gil?"
"Gil, rupees, gold, dollars, yen, euros, studs, credit cards, or checks, it's all good here."
"Good." Cloud paid up, "Let's mosey."
"Yes, let's."
"Um... Boss... How are we supposed to defend ourselves against Sephiroth when we get there?" Bob whispered.
"Good point. Cloud, we'll be needing weapons, too."
"Sure. What kinds do you want?"
"Let me think..."
~~~
10 minutes later, on the way to City of the Ancients..."Please explain this to me: Why is it that you get to fight with that bad-@$$ sword while I'm stuck with the worst weapon concept ever?" Bob held up the Megaphone formerly belonging to Cait Sith.
"Because I'm the boss and you're subordinate. Stop whining already."
"How exactly is this supposed to even hurt someone? Besides destroying their eardrums or giving them traumatizing flashbacks of high school cheerleading squads?"
"You'll see. There's actually a good reason I had Cloud get us that particular weapon. Now help me dig for the Lunar Harp."
"Aren't the archaelogists supposed to dig it up for you?"
"Normally, but they're all watching the game. We're never gonna find the Lunar Harp if you're just standing there doing nothing."
"Lunar Harp? You mean this thing?" Bob dropped the item into the hole Craig had been digging.
"Exactly. So start dig- Wha?" Craig picked up the harp, "Where'd you get this?"
"It was just lying in one of those boxes."
"Why didn't you tell me this before I started digging?"
"Didn't feel like it."
"Ah, bleah, let's just go find Aeris and Sephiroth and get the job over with."
"You're the boss."
~~~
Several random battles and wrong turns later, within the City of the Ancients..."SEPHIROTH! Drop the sword and step away from the ledge!" Bob yelled into the megaphone, moments before that climactic scene was to take place.
"And why should I listen to you?"
"Cause we've got a better one you can use!"
"Is that so? May I see this sword that's supposedly better than Masamune?"
"Right here!" Craig held up Cloud's sword.
"Intriguing... I must have a closer look." Sephiroth floated down and examined the sword thoroughly.
"A fine weapon, is it not? You may buy it immediately, if you should so wish."
"Hmm... Yes, quite... Reminds me very much of the sword a fellow SOLDIERS used to wield. Same brand, I suppose."
"You're probably right. It is a highly reliable weapon, sturdy enough to resist the normal cracking and breakage of your average sword. And if you buy now, we'll throw in this free megaphone, useful for announcing the annihilation just a minute or so before it actually happens, and watching the hilarious panic that ensues afterwards. What do you say to that?"
"How could I refuse such an offer? I do enjoy starting a good panic beforehand... Makes the blood gush more when I slice them. I'll take it."
"Excellent! Now, how will you be paying for this?"
"Not so fast. Before buying anything, I like to test it out first. Excuse me." He took the giant sword from Craig, and left the two. Everything was silent for a moment, until Craig spoke up.
"Um... Sephy... What are you gonna do with tha- Holy crap!" Sephiroth jumped down from the ledge, and impaled Aeris with the weapon. After wiping the blood off, he handed it back to Craig.
"It's a good sword and all, but the usage of my own Masamune is still preferable. Quite hesistant to part with it for any weapon, you see. Anyway, after killing that pesky Ancient, I'm in a good enough mood to spare your pitiful lives this time, and if I hurry, I can still see the game. Farewell, and for your sake, I hope we never meet again." The #1 Final Fantasy villain dramatically floated away from the scene of the crime. Craig and Bob just stared at Cloud's sword, and then at the deceased Ancient.
"I say it's her own fault."
"Why?"
"Holy was already activated when we got here. Aeris had enough time to get away while we were distracting Sephiroth, but noooooo..."
"Good point, boss. And even if we weren't here, he would have killed her anyways. It's all part of the plot. It's not like we messed up and completely destroyed the story. Nope, everything's the same as before."
"Ignoring the facts that Sephiroth used a different weapon and that Cloud was actually here instead of us, you're absolutely right. Mission accomplished. Let's head back."
"Agreed."
~~~
The next day...Cloud walked into the office looking mighty pleased with himself.
"Who won?"
"Nibelheim, who else? Barret tried to guilt me into forgetting the bet, saying the money was for Marlene's schooling, but you know what I said to him? 'Not my problem!'" Cloud laughed, as though he had actually made a joke.
"That's gonna get old fast, I just know it..." Craig muttered under his breath.
"So, where's Aeris? I thought you would have brought her back with you."
"Well, you see..."
~~~
One epic explanation later..."She died? After all that work I went through to save her?"
"Excuse me? All the work you went through?"
"Fine. After all the gil I paid to save her? I want my money back!"
"I'm sorry, Cloud, but the terms and conditions were stated clearly in the contract you signed. Absolutely no refunds."
"What? But this contract is in the wingdings font! I can't read it at all!"
"Never the less, even if you could not read it, it does specify a no-money-back-guarantee. Besides, you won't have to save Aeris anymore. It does solve your problem."
"Ugh, I suppose... Then I'll just take the weapons back and mosey out of here."
"No can do, pal. Fine print states..."
"Accursed fine print! Keep the weapons, then, for all I care, but don't expect to see me again, cause it ain't happening!" Cloud slammed the door on his way out.
"Oh, he'll be back. His problems are really just beginning, after all, right, boss?"
"My thoughts exactly. So, our first customer... I've been saving a special little something for a day like this." Craig went into the back room, and came out holding a 2-liter of Dr. Pepper and two cups.
"Here here!"
"And, my worthy sidekick, since I couldn't do it without you, from now on you're getting 3% instead of 2%."
"Thank you, sir. I'll try not to let it get to my head."
"You won't, if I have anything to say about it."
((FIN))
Both positive and negative comments are welcome. You must be able to take the good with the bad in life, after all.
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