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Take Me with You

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Casiela Elfbane
Crew

PostPosted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 3:35 pm


OhEmGee, I wrote a poem. It was inspired a bit by Sugar Ros's poem As I Die. It's called Take Me with You, and it's about what I'd feel if I ever lost Rebbekha.
Take me with you when you go
When you leave this world behind
For without your light to warm me
What comfort can I find?
When I cannot hear your laughter
What need have I four sound?
What need have I for vision
When you're nowhere to be found?

Gods, I'd hate this world
Without your soothing touch
I couldn't live without you
I love you too damn much
The pain would consume me
Tearing me apart inside
I'd be a walking corpse that breathes
Cold as the coffin in which you reside

I'd lose my soul without you
To keep me far from sin
Without you to support me
I cannot possibly win
Just take me with you, angel
Don't leave me here alone
These words I cry in this field of death
Clinging to your stone.

I don't write poems often; how'd I do?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 6:15 pm


It like a poem that would be a novel. I like the way you did! It gets across a lot but I think it needs a bit... emotion. But I still like the way you did it. I couldn't realy explain what it needs. but I like it!

000Hinata000
Vice Captain


Casiela Elfbane
Crew

PostPosted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 3:57 am


Needs more emotion. Got it.
PostPosted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 9:51 am


I don't really like how you switched tenses on us. The majority of the poem is written in the future tense (if she dies), but lines 16 and 21-24 are written in present tense(she has died). Other than that, it seems fairly good. Time for those rewrites you like so much.

WingScythe
Crew


Casiela Elfbane
Crew

PostPosted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 1:07 pm


Hoshizz, you're right! How could I have missed the changing tenses? Thanks, Wing. *attacks poem with Red Pen o'Doom*
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Original Fiction & Poetry

 
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