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 Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 12:55 pm
A/N: This one needs a bit of explaining. A few years ago I sat down and wrote this poem to read at a funeral. A very good friend of my brothers had been found murdered in the bike trails behind our housing complex. At the tender age of eleven, Gregory was stabbed multiple times because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. This poem is dedicated to him, and I write his thoughts as I believe they would have been.
As I Die
I ride my bike down the dirt path,
My entire body alive with adrenalin.
I smile to myself, me, who's lived eleven years of life.
I think of the fun I'll have when I arrive at my friend's house.
We'll pretend to be professional skateboarders.
I hear the deep sound of a motor bike, coming closer and closer, the noise drowning out the birds.
I stop my bike and listen.
In a few seconds a man comes speeding around the corner and my heart skips a beat.
So cool....
I wish I could have a motor bike like that.
But something is happening.
He's slowing down.
I look into his eyes and he glares at me.
I shiver.
I don't like his eyes.
He stops his bike and walks towards me, the look of a killer sketched on his face.
And then something is piercing my stomach.
I look down and gasp at the blood I see flowing from my skin.
The dark red stickiness flows into my hands and drops onto the earthy ground.
I look up at the man, gapping.
Did he just stab me?
The knife sticks into me again.
And again.
Again.
It rips through each layer of skin like butter, and takes another ten years of my life away from me.
And another.
Another.
I fall back onto the ground as my vision blurs.
I'm dying.
And I'm dying alone, in these empty trails, void of human life except for mine and the man with the knife.
What did I do?
What did I do to deserve such a fate?
What did I do to this man?
Tell my friends I'll miss them,
Tell them I'll be with them always.
Tell my mother and father than I love them, and I'm sorry for all the bad things I've done.
Tell my brother that I forgive him for being mean to me, that I still love him no matter what and not to feel guilty.
I slip away from my consciousness, my world goes blank, and yet I can feel the man grab me and drag me into the near-by lake.
I'm dying.
Is there a heaven?
I'd never given it much thought, me being only eleven and all...
But it would be nice if there was.
Because then I would be able to wait for all of you to come up and see me again.
It won't be long now.
God, do you exist?
If you do, I'm on my way.
Watch over my family and friends for me.
I know they'll miss me lots.
Because I'll miss them too.
I love you all.
Goodbye.
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Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 6:14 pm
*sniff
Now that's sad. your right some of your stuff is sad. I feel bad for gregory. *sniff
Good peom though. It reallys gets his point of view.
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000Hinata000 Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 9:54 am
In my honest opinion, Ros, you should stick to rhyming poems. You appear to have a great deal of misconceptions about free verse poetry. You have six different stanza lengths, for example. It comes off more as prose, with random line breaks that may or may not have been added accidentally. The message and concept are good, but the delivery leaves something to be desired.
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Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 3:28 pm
WingScythe In my honest opinion, Ros, you should stick to rhyming poems. You appear to have a great deal of misconceptions about free verse poetry. You have six different stanza lengths, for example. It comes off more as prose, with random line breaks that may or may not have been added accidentally. The message and concept are good, but the delivery leaves something to be desired. Mmm... I can see where you're coming from, but in all honesty, I wasn't even thinking about they way it was written. I was writting down my thoughts as they came, in a way that they flowed through my mind. You're right, it wouldn't win a poetry contest, or be placed in a book. But it wasn't written to be so.
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Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 8:17 pm
I can understand the sentiment. However, if you don't write a poem to be read, you shouldn't put it in a place where people will read it.
I'm something of a PoetryNazi, though not nearly as bad as Cas, and I am this subforum's mod. Therefore, I ask that you only post poems that you want read, and that you expect them to be critiqued.
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Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 11:47 pm
WingScythe I can understand the sentiment. However, if you don't write a poem to be read, you shouldn't put it in a place where people will read it.
I'm something of a PoetryNazi, though not nearly as bad as Cas, and I am this subforum's mod. Therefore, I ask that you only post poems that you want read, and that you expect them to be critiqued. Never said I didn't want it read, and I don't care that it's critiqued. I just said it wasn't a poem where I followed any sort of guidlines or wrote to place in a contest or profestional book. It's a poem that I like to share and means a lot to me. My reply was in no means attacking your critique.
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Posted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 3:41 am
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, ladies! No need to start snipping at each other. Ros, Wing was just being Wing; she always takes what people say to her as an attack, or at least hostile. Sad to say, it usually is. Wing, Ros was just trying to clarify things for you. You're being sloppy with word choice again.
Let's not be upset or defensive, okay? I made this guild so people could have fun.
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Posted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 10:24 am
Casiela Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, ladies! No need to start snipping at each other. Ros, Wing was just being Wing; she always takes what people say to her as an attack, or at least hostile. Sad to say, it usually is. Wing, Ros was just trying to clarify things for you. You're being sloppy with word choice again.
Let's not be upset or defensive, okay? I made this guild so people could have fun. Here, here.
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