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 Posted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 7:39 pm
Like a breath on my skin
Shivering up my spine
I think of him on and on
Never once forgetting what he was to me
And what the world saw in his eyes
I just knew these sins of he couldn't be
"oh why my God do you punish him so?"
I cried to the only who could truly know
"He is a wretched thing, that wished nothing of light"
He replied in a solonm twilight's whisper
He couldn't be, never has he acted thusly
I do not hate him,
Nor can I say that I've fallen for this darkling
But oh God, I can't stop thinking of the life you threw him
To be hated for all time, for the things you demand
The very things that must be down for your "light"
Oh Lucifer, I woe for you
Please can you hear me cry to you?
Do you understand that somehow I've managed to fall in love with you?
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 5:30 pm
It's good!! There are some really great lines there that really build up an image in your mind. I must admit i did get lost a few times while reading it but that may just because i'm a bit tired. Dark, passionate, longing, it's great!!
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Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 8:22 pm
That's happened to me before. Or something like that happened. Either way, I've experienced that.
Anyway!!!!!
On to Critiquing!!!!!!
mrgreen
Okay. Let's see here...
The first 5 lines are great. The 6th line gets off track a bit, but then in the 7th line, you get back on track. The 8th and 9th lines get off track a bit, too. The rest is good, but the last 3 lines aren't on subject, it seems. But this is just through my eyes. Whatever you want is totally fine.
This is a really great poem. The message is easy to catch onto. I can relate to this, so I know what you're talking about.
Great job!!!
heart heart heart
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