I guess I'll kick it off.
Before I even read this prelude, I must warn you: posting a block of text is a big no-no. It turns potential betas away from your story. Make sure you space in-between paragraphs. Otherwise, it's hard to read. And you want to make our reading enjoyable, yes?
:]
Quote:
PreludeThe rain came down hard from the deeply
overcast sky.
The white statues and beautiful buildings all greyed by the
fourth day of constant rain.
[This is a very awkward sentence. In fact, it doesn't have a conclusion. Try this on for size: "The white statues and beautiful buildings were all greyed by the fourth day of constant rain."] But the gloom
didn't really
affect anyone of this place, for their insides were far more eroded and sad
[word choice?] than the deep grey rainclouds that cried outside their windows.
[Good sentence.]A great man had died here
, a priest that was close to the people. A kind and gentle man that held the city
as dear to himself as the people did him. Father Thalius Angel
, a man that wasn't
truly a priest but still one of the holiest people in this place, right under the
Pope himself.
[I understand the meaning of this paragraph, but it's choppy. I suggest you write it without so many sentence fragments. I didn't quite know what to do with it.]Wecome to Vatican City, Rome.
[Vatican City is a city-state. It's not actually part of Rome. I'm not sure if you would still write it that way - - you might want to check up on that. A city that is held high as a pure and holy place.
[Once again, this is not a sentence. "The city is held high as a pure and holy place."]Also a base for the most secret organization in the world.
[Same as above. "It is also . . ."]Iscariot sections 1-13. This organization is known for hunting down the "damned" and the "freaks" that
spawn from the world.
Father
Angel was the head of
Section 13.
The particulars of this section are very interesting to those
who know of it. For one, the
Angel bloodline extends back to the time of
Christ himself and the line has been kept pure since then.
Also, the bloodline is a complete stream of full-blooded lycans.
It needs work. Your grammar is iffy, especially with sentence structure. Remember that you need a verb to complete a sentence. Sentence fragments are great tools, but you need to be able to write a coherent sentence before attempting to jump into the deep end.
Watch out for capitalization. People and places need to be capitalized. Always.
Also, your paragraphs - - are they supposed to be one sentence long? I didn't combine them, but I would advise that you do so. One line paragraphs are great for surprise elements (a good example: "Father Angel was the head of Section 13"), but you don't want to overuse it. Otherwise it becomes null and void.
When you separate clauses by a comma, remember to put a space between the words. Example: She brought pencils, scissors, and a notebook to class. DO
NOT WRITE IT THIS WAY: She brought pencils,scissors,and a notebook to class. Same goes with periods. Make a space (or two) after the period. This is basic, but I noticed that you repeatedly violated this rule, so I thought I would address it for you anyway.
Cheers, and good luck!
