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 Posted: Sat Nov 11, 2006 8:18 am
Chapter 1
Running Again
“We run away all the time to avoid coming face to face with ourselves.” ~Author Unknown
He was swooping in on me fast. I had to run, but where?! Where would I go?! To my mother’s…I don’t think so! I couldn’t tell my mother about what was going on. I didn’t know how and I didn’t want to drag her into the pile horse poop. I wish I could think faster. Just then I felt my feet dip into the water with sand squishing in between my toes as I ran. I was on the beach; I at least knew that. That meant I was on the east side of the island. I was running out of room to run. There were many beaches on the east side of the island. I looked up into the starry night sky. Hmm…I’m south-east of Mount Hadowakoo. Well, I think that might have helped.
“You can’t run away forever, Kaelyne!”
“Maybe; but I can very well try!” Oh, boy. Cliff. I’ll have to jump. Oh, Boy! Water combined with cliff. “Damn.” Just like that, I jumped. I was falling into nothing. I was nowhere, but I had to be somewhere. I had closed my eyes because I didn’t want to see my arm flying off in another direction. How far down was I? How long had I been falling? When was I going to hit the water and feel the stinging that would make me go crazy? Was I going to hit any colossal rocks that might kill me? God, just get it over with! What felt like another eternity later SPLAT! I hit the water. I don’t remember much after that because I blacked out and lost consciousness. But I do remember seeing a strange looking man picking me up and walking me into the damp dark woods. What was this place? The stars had lied to me I wasn’t really on a beach. Someone wanted me here.
What did get me into this mess you might ask? I am not really to sure, but I know it was destined. I can start from the beginning but you may have to put two in two together. I’ll tell you all I know about how I escaped from the murderer who massacred the island.
Chapter 2
It’s Him
“There's the scarlet thread of murder running through the colorless skein of life, and our duty is to unravel it, and isolate it, and expose every inch of it." ~Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
I was downtown in a grocery store. Something shook but nothing moved. I asked the checkout woman if she felt anything.
She just shook her head and said, “Lady the only thing that shook,” my hopes rose, “was my wallet cuase’ they don’t pay you nothin’ in this dump.” My hopes shattered, something was going on. Later that night I was watching Super Man, a master piece. KAPOW! Sounded like a shootout. I lived in a village almost deprived of all of its power among the people. There was always one reigning dominate man. I’m just going to stay here and I’ll be fine. I always get nervous when someone has a shootout because when I go outside of my house I know I’m going to see body parts everywhere and blood covering my front door. Screaming? Shootout never involved women. What was going on? I peeked out the door, women, children, men, elders, they were all lying on the ground. Dead. I slammed the door shut. Oh, no. I knew this was surly going to be the end of my life. Then I thought, I’ll teach myself how to fly a helicopter and fly it to the mainland and start a whole new life, a new name, and finally try to snag a boyfriend. Then I thought, “God, Kaelyne you don’t know how to pilot a helicopter or where to find or where to land it when you get there! Think! Okay, I’ll go to the east side of the island and light a flare and hope that someone might have seen it and come and get me. Good, that’ll be the plan then. So…I’ll need some food, jackets, blankets, matches, rope, and a trap. Okay, problem. I’m not that strong. Oh, well I’m going to have to be, and I’ll tough it out. So, I ran around the house like a maniac and started my journey to the east side of the island with my beloved flare. I looked like a clumsy oaf with a duffel bag. Unfortunately I lived at least a week’s walk away from the edge of the island. I didn’t know if I was going to make it to the east boundary but I was certain that I was going to try. When I walked outside I looked up into the sky, still early morning. Then I saw the silhouette of a strange shaped bird with a very large head. I had never seen that before. I was stupid and went back into my house and grabbed my camera; I took a picture of the ‘bird’. I thought that if I did live then I could get lots of money for a new home because of my new discovery. Once I had taken the picture, I remembered what I was doing and why I was doing it and how heavy the bag was. I started to run even though it was more like a fast hobble walk. “Mother!” I could feel my heart pounding and my eyes welling up. It felt like an anvil just hit me, I couldn’t with hold my tears. “How could they do this to you?!” I had pure anger now and I wasn’t sure on how I would control it. But I described myself like a girl on crutches trying to run. A man started to laugh at me. I turned like a deer in the head lights. You may laugh at me but I liked to call him my elementary sweet heart. He was the hottie of the grade at that point but not when we got into high school. I decided that we were going to travel together.
“Ha-ha! I’ve seen turtles run faster than you. Nice seeing you again. How you been? You look like you’ve been crying.”
“I’m fine but I guess as the Lord of the Turtles have all the same problems as all the other turtles. I’m going to the east side of the island would you like to come with me, Nick?”
“As a matter of fact I think I will. And I think that we will get farther if you give me that bag.”
“Well, it’ll be your pleasure.” We started off after we did a little bit more flirting. But can you really blame me I mean, he is still pretty cute if you ask me. But don’t make fun of us we never really did get into any more serious relationships. So what was the need to flirt? Exactly, there was no need so we didn’t get much practice. But he was right we were moving faster when he had the duffel bag.
Chapter 3
Swamp Snakes
“No, snakes are no problem. I'd go to any country, anywhere, any snakes, not a problem.” ~Steve Irwin
We were moving very fast. Maybe even a little too fast for my comfort; my legs were starting to cramp up. Although Nick wasn’t the brightest guy he knew a little about where we were. But, I being the smarter one knew the pinpoint position. We were getting close to the swamp. An ancient village legend told us that that in the swamp there was a creature that sucked the lives out the people that came into its dominion. I for one did not believe in those absurd legends. I could feel the air getting more and more humid every moment that we stayed in that ill-fated vicinity.
This is still pretty rough and it hasn't ended yet so....don't go to crazy about it having a really bad ending.
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Posted: Sat Nov 11, 2006 8:27 am
___________________
In all brutal honesty, I did not like it.
It was hard for me to stay enthralled in your work, because it was a wall of text. I also had to reduce your font size, because it was too big, and distracts the reader.
The tense that you wrote the story in seems a bit off. I also believe you mixed up some verb tenses. There are a mess of gramatical errors, and a lack of detail. It just doesn't draw the reader in. The sentences are also short and choppy, and lack detail.
Sorry for the critique, but I just didn't like it.
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