Welcome to Gaia! ::

Wow...just...wow! That long, descriptive, and good! I hope I get ta see the new chapter soon!

(on a side note...the guilds 200th post! XP)

But seriously...how long did it take to type all that up?

I write short stories but dude! You pwn me! xd

Alright. I'm going to be honest here, Xroly, because I know you can write and I know you can write better than the above. I read only part of chapter one; your ideas look sound, its your style and diction that just needs a bit of editing.

1. Paragraphs! What you have for your chapters are known as 'walls of text.' The length is good, but it's too much in one place. Breaking it up into seperate, smaller paragraphs tends to look more professional, less intimidating to read, and it's easier.

Example: In the year 2009 the war between the humans and the Zentradi took place. In the event of such a battle two people were able to help the macross fleet push the Zentradi back. Their names are Maximillian Jenius and Bojack Lash. These two were the best of the best in the ace pilot levels working together to fend off the Zentradi.

The macross fleet then came across a plan to weaken the Zentradis grip of control by destroying their second in command leader. But ended in failure due to lack of units and ammo they had. Bojack knew of these problems and made a compromise.

He turned the tactical battle plan into a kamikaze attack. He ramed his fighter into the leader thus destroying them both at the same time. This plan succeeded by a great deal but with the loss of Bojack this made the plan to wipe out the leader harder than it looked.

After they succeeded, peace came to both of the races but unknown to them. Bojack never died from that tactic. He jumped out of his fighter before he crashed into the enemy leader. But the explosion toke out his legs. He drifted in another fighter that wasnt being used and he began to think why did they leave him here in space. Soon he began to think of why they left him there. [And so on.]

2. While not everyone is, perhaps, as picky as I am, I know I certainly like to see letters capitalized. You have the names done, so that's good, but re-reading what you've wrote and going back to capitalize the start of your sentences is a good habit to form. Again, it looks more professional--and when it comes to English exams, it won't lower your grade! ;D

3. Dialogue! It is important to organize your dialogue so it is clear and understandable. Yours is, admittedly, somewhat confusing to read at.

Example: Here is a bit of your story I edited to show how I manage dialogue-scenes. You don't have to follow it, mind, I'm just showing you:

He could feel his rage and anger rise in his heart. He then tried to find a way on how would he get his revenge. Without warning someone or something was watching him. He then noticed it behind him and he turned the mech around to see a massive machine before him.

The strange vice spoke, "You despise them for using you like that, aren't you?"

Bojack demanded back, "Who are you!?"

"You can call me the Dark One." Again came the unknown speaker.

"What do you want Dark One?" Bojack asked.

Dark One said, "I'm here to help you."

Bojack grimaced, and replied in a chilly tone, "I don't need any help."

The stranger called Dark One sighed. "Well its seems that your rage and anger are far greater than I imagened. You want revenge, don't you, Bojack."

Otherwise, Xroly, you are very creative. With more time, or at least a proof-reader, your works would be just grand. biggrin

Edit: The above is Xroly's original reply. It's since been edited or something. Just clarifying.

You never posted saying it was a prototype. If you don't like critiques and don't want help, also post saying that. Or don't put it on the Internet.

What? Can you clarify?

another thing i need to add Rigga now. if i did good grammar and such you wouldn't be seeing good story work now would you?
i gave up that part so i can make endless stories. now if i use it again the stories i make will be horrible. so choose Rigga

well look then i only asked to be commented on not told ok rigga? i only asked for that not another.

Come on, chill! Let's not fight. I hate fighting. Even if it is over a computer and such. We should be respectful of one's personal opinions.

Sorry, I just don't want there to be some kind of war.