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 Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 10:09 am
He follows me in a distant black cloud.
In my rage, as I scream, he caws.
In my sorrow, as I weep, he fluters to my side.
In glee, he is there, watching me with a keen eye.
Waiting for me on a distant branch, watching over me.
He never leaves, he always follows.
Like the nightmares that never cease to haunt me.
Though even in fear, that he may not mean well
He is my best friend; he’s always there
He never leaves me to drown in my loneliness
Like a nightmare that ceases to haunt me.
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Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 11:43 am
Hello there! Since I'm the first comment, and this is the first critique I will write in this guild, I am going to make it very special. ^____^
First of all, I love the first line. It's a very nice introduction, simple and descriptive, setting the stage. It's my favorite part because it provokes the reader to ask, "Who?" It has that air of mystery.
Continuing on, I see you have utilized the rule of threes ("In my rage / In my sorrow" et cetera), which is good, but you could expand on it a little more, stretch it out somehow. Perhaps a little more description here would work; try some more adjectives, something that really grasps the audience and holds them. Here's an example. Instead of "In my rage," how about "In the blood-thick seas of my rage, he dips his wings / In the pale light of my sorrow, he blinks," et cetera. Don't change the stanza entirely, but juice it up.
In this last half, I was confused. For starters, I'm pretty sure you meant "on a branch," rather than "in a branch." A minor error. However, your incorrect use of the word "cease" is very confusing. "Cease" means "stop," therefore "Like the nightmares that cease to haunt me" translates to "Like the nightmares that stop haunting me." Now, from what I have gathered, that is the opposite of the meaning that you wish to convey. Also, "Though" is out of place; I would suggest simply wiping that out. I would suggest separating the line "He is my best friend he's always there" with a semi-colon or by making it into two sentences. Even if you were writing in stream-of-consciousness, you would need a pause there for the sake of clarity.
In conclusion, I want to say that I like the idea that you have going on here, but also that you need to work on it. Think of what it is exactly that you are trying to say about this character, "the crow." Give him more personality. He's your best friend, but he is also "like a nightmare." You need to explain this, or if not, extend the mystery of his dual nature.
I hope I have helped you in some small way. If you do decide to re-work your poem, I'd love to see a new draft, so let me know by PM or something. Anyway, thank you for sharing your work! Hope to see some more. ^__^
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Posted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 10:45 am
Thank you very much, your post Is very helpfull. I greatly appreciate it, also I was indeed dwelling on the fact if I had used ceased correctly. Thank you for clearing that up. I will cirtenly make a re-write. 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Nov 17, 2006 10:40 am
It's waaay better! Just a few more things.
You use the word "watching" both in the last line of the second stanza and the first line of the third stanza, which is somewhat awkward. Also, I noticed that you say "a nightmare" in the last line, but "the nightmares" in the second stanza. They should agree; since the poem is about a single crow, I would say go with "a nightmare," but that may change the meaning. It's up to you.
Some other considerations... in the line, "Though even in fear, that he may not mean well," the word "that" is unnecessary, and "fluters" should be "flutters."
I have to say, it's definitely a different poem now. It would be interesting to see an illustration of this. I can imagine the crow as this bony, pointy creature with slanted eyebrows and feathers flying all over the place. Hehehe. ^___^ Great job.
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