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000Hinata000
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 5:11 pm


title: life's worth living
anime: Naruto
rate: T
Complete
Drama/Angst
Words:1044
Summery:
Hinata wants to escape the pain and she almost did, but she though back to naruto. She stopped and Gaara wanted to know why. [a bit of Gaahina][ONE SHOT]

A/N: This is just a short kinda said one short I wrote, that everybody liked on Fanfiction, so I thought i'd post somthing in our subforums

Life’s worth living

By

Naruto4life

Hinata Hyuuga. She never took off her mask. She held it high so it hides everything under. Her heart stung with pain everyday, but it always went unnoticed. She was excepted to do so much for her family, that she lost hope in them. Her friends were never there when she needed them. She was always alone. No one ever came to help her. She lost hope that anyone would ever come.

She didn’t again. She messed up. She always messed up. The little hope she did have to go was just crushed. Her stomach lurched and her eyes burned with hot tears. She ran. Trying to escape the only life she knew. One of pain and suffering, which she knew she couldn’t run from the hurting. But she still tried.

She ran feeling every step. She ran passed a blur vision of her cousin, Neji. But she didn’t stop. She ran out the back of the Hyuuga compound to the surround woods. Now tears were spilling over her face. She ran and tried wiping them away. Silent sobs filled the air. She ran and ran till she came to a cliff, it over looked the southern half of the village.

Her chest heaved up and down as she cried her held in tears out. She covered her face in her hands. Her sobs became harder and the tears dripped off her hands to the ground. She let it out. Her mask was dropped and she let everything out. She wanted the feeling to go away. The hurting. Her heart stung with every sob.

She wanted to escape and life the heavy pain off her shoulders. She lifted her head and saw the edge of the cliff. No one would miss her. Her family would have a new heiress a better one. Most of all she’d be free. No more hurting. She slowly walked to the edge of the cliff. Her sobs turned to sniffs. The though it one jump everything would be gone.

What she didn’t see was she was being watched. A glare of blue eyes was laughing at her attempt to be free. Her life meant nothing and she was throwing it away. He watched as she walked over to the edge. He had once wanted to throw everything. He had no evidence of his existence. But he found a purpose. Watching this girl was bring backing memories of himself. When he had suffered.

He wanted to see her dead. Disappear off the edge. Let her wishes to be granted and watch her escape. At least she would be free. He sat and watched stare down at the edge.

One last tears dripped over Hinata’s cheek. She lined her feet with the edge. It could all be over…She closed her eyes. Just as she was about to jump a picture of Naruto flashed in her mind. Hinata snapped open her eyes and fell backward. Naruto. He stayed strong when he was worst off then her. He was strong when no one thought he was. He had worked so hard and he still never thought death was the answer. He lived to be great.

If she did jump. Everything she ever tried to be, all her efforts to be strong would be lost. It would have meant nothing. She had worked so hard to get where she was today. All her dreams would be lost. She worked too hard for it to end like this. Hinata breathed deeply.

She wasn’t going to let it end without a fight. She was going to show everybody that’s it’s worth something to live. Hinata got up still feeling the heavy pain she carried. But that was a part of living now. A lone tears slipped out. She almost erased herself from this world.

“You could’ve escaped” Hinata looked around the voice came out of no where. She searched and out of the dark a figure came in to view. Sabaku no Gaara. Hinata was unaware any one was watching. “I-I wasn’t worth it” her shaky voice responded. “you could have ended you torture, but you choose not to” Hinata sniffed and looked down at her feet. “I w-would have ended more then just my torture” she whispered. “What held you to this world so bad that you choose to still hold your heavy burdens?”

The reminded still stung. In the dead of night Hinata could still make out the glaring eyes of Gaara. “Everything I w-worked for w-would be lost” She shivered. It was cold out and talking to a killer like Gaara was not to happy either. “Is that what clarifies your existence? What you worked for?” Hinata wrapped her fingers around her sleeve. “What I tried so hard to become. I couldn’t lose it like this”

Hinata knew he was thinking. She confused him. Hinata wondered why he asked this. Did he not know he existed? “What proves your existence?” She looked up. Gaara started at her. “Killing” he said in his low tone. “I can prove you exist” Gaara glared. Hinata took this the chance to show him. Her hands shaking she quickly pinched Sabaku no Gaara on the arm.

But before her fingers could get a grip. Sand swung out and crashed her in to a tree with tremendous force. “Why did you do that?” Gaara crossed his arms. A little red mark quickly faded in his arm where Hinata’s pinch was. The crash into the tree was sudden and powerful she her body went sore. “You felt it like everybody else, you feel like everyone. You’re just the same. You can’t feel anything when you’re not alive” Hinata felt bruise start to appear. Then she felt calm and warm up against the tree. "Thank you" Gaara whispered. Then he turned around to leave.

She closed her eyes. “Hinata-sama!” she lighted half opened her eyes. She saw Neji behind Gaara through her eye lashes. Gaara glared at him then dissappeared in a gust of sand Terror was spread across Neji’s face as he came running toward.

Hinata was tired and all she wanted to do was sleep. She closed her eyes and felt some one pick her up. She softly faded away in a slow slumber where she could dream of a place where she's loved.
PostPosted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 6:53 pm


In this onseshot, you've competently conveyed Hinata's feelings about her life, and the desperate struggle that she has to endure each day. I can understand why she'd want to take her own life, and you've done a good job in allowing the readers to empathise.


What I don't understand is what made Hinata run away. You tell us of the troubles that faze her, but you don't tell us what exactly happened that made her run sobbing to that cliff. I think zooming out a little on the scope here would have done this oneshot good. You concentrate on your protagonist a lot, which is good for getting into her head, but that leaves the readers not knowing anything else. When you write, take a step out of your mind's eye and think, if I were a complete stranger to Naruto and its characters, would I understand this?

Which brings me to my second point. You did an excellent job with telling me who Hinata was, what her place was. But when this Gaara fellow comes along and intrudes on her and her angst, I was completely thrown off. I didn't know who he was, I didn't know what his relation to Hinata was, I didn't even know what he looked like.

Now this is a big problem for fan fiction writers. When one writes fan fiction, one automatically assumes that only people who are familiar with that fandom will read the story, and so they tend to miss out information that strangers to the mother universe wouldn't know. I'm not familiar with Naruto, and so I didn't know who Gaara was. You need to include information like that for these circumstances. I know it's hard and out of the ordinary - it may even seem pointless. But orientation is one of the most important sections of a story, and when I orientate, it feels good to cover everything. Trust me, your readers will thank you for it - even if it's only subconsciously.

Secondly, you need more description here. I knew only of what Hinata was thinking, and they very most basic things that were happening. I couldn't see the forest, I was left only to imagine it. I couldn't see any of your characters, I had only my own imagination to work with, and I couldn't see the cliff. I didn't even know it was night until I got to the near-end of the story. This, like orientation, is hugely important. You need to paint a picture in peoples' minds. That's the way to go.

Aside from that, the grammar and punctuation demonstrated here is just about perfect. And the theme that you've infused into this is a good one, as was the way you brought it through. It's true that not matter how bleak things seem, there's always hope. Life is worth living.


User Image

Poodle Crusader


LoveWitchLoki
Crew

PostPosted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 10:16 pm


I liked it but, like Poodle said it would have been nice to know why. I'm pretty unfamiliar with Naruto.
PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 8:35 am


so real!!!!! (note 2 poodle and, sre y didn't check ur name, its just hard to miss a bunny named poodle *laughs histarically* its kinda obvious u don't watch/read naruto if you know more about hinatas backround this makes perfect sense) totally real! this is compleatly plausabler, minus gaahina, its gaasaku, you baka! okay so yeah it's really good!

SoulAsylum1119


000Hinata000
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2006 7:41 am


blondes4naruto
so real!!!!! (note 2 poodle and, sre y didn't check ur name, its just hard to miss a bunny named poodle *laughs histarically* its kinda obvious u don't watch/read naruto if you know more about hinatas backround this makes perfect sense) totally real! this is compleatly plausabler, minus gaahina, its gaasaku, you baka! okay so yeah it's really good!


gaara and sakura? THAT COUPLE SUXS!! it's Gaara and hinat forever! well it had to be gaahina because i wanted to do it about hinata she seems the mostly likey and gaara can relate the most to death and killing. So Cha it works. Plus i would never kill hinata, so she stopped right when she was about to. well in my story i did do a lot of hinata's backround. This was one of my more cool stoies, the one that desteves the name one shot. it's cool. I just love it!
PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 4:49 am


O.O that was a great story hina!!!! great job!!! 4laugh

000Temari000


000Hinata000
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 8:08 am


Thanks! you were always one to review my stories!!!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 10:33 am


I liked the story. But I thought it was weird how Gaara just left so quickly. I wouldn't think that he would change his mind so quickly and just leave. But other than that I thought it was good.

00RockLee00


000Hinata000
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 1:06 pm


00RockLee00
I liked the story. But I thought it was weird how Gaara just left so quickly. I wouldn't think that he would change his mind so quickly and just leave. But other than that I thought it was good.


((YAY! You joined!!!))


Well He left because he knew Neji was coming. Neji was the one who said Hinata-sama. Gaara didn't want to stick around. He's just like that.... Well thanks for reviewing!
PostPosted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 10:17 am


You and hinata..... Well I thought she was going to jump, I think you didn't make gaara scary enough. The whole 'I want blood thingy' like in that one epsoide of naruto you made me watch.... Gaara is so ugly and freaks me out! So hinata and gaara a no-no! but I guess it's a good story.

PrettyLittlePrincess

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