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 Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 6:31 pm
<3
If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.
Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correct my view.
Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.
Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, let me be.
I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a copy of you.
I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend, or your colleague. If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself, so that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear to you as right -- for me. To put up with me is the first step to understanding me. Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness. And in understanding me you might come to prize my differences from you, and, far from seeking to change me, preserve and even nurture those differences.
<3
Alrighty. I made this out of boredom, so if it looks like I spent a lot of time on it, it probably means I did. xP
Rules
o1. This is probably where I'll get most of my ranting out, so its most likely not going to be pretty, since no one seems to have the life of their choice.
o2. I don't mind comments, but I don't want people to give me pity or anything. I don't deserve it, because everything that I post here I probably deserve in one-way or another. Just shove it in my face and tell me to stop being so angsty, because I shouldn't be wasting my youth like that. : D
o3. Just because I don't want pity, doesn’t mean I don't want advice. So, if you feel like telling me I should shove my face in a pile of dog crap until I suffocate, go right ahead.
Alrighty? And, another thing, don't even ask about the title. Yes, I know what it means, and yes, I know it makes almost no sense. No one said it had to, so I just used the first thing that popped into my mind. xP
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Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 6:59 pm
I guess I'll put some stuff about myself here.
Er...let's see. My name is Stephanie, but my close friends call me Pheni. I'm 14, at least physically, but most people usually just assume I'm older or younger then I am. I've had people think I was eight and people who thought I was 22. Mentally, I'd like to think I'm more around 17 or so, but I often do stupid things due to lack of common sense, which brings me down off my knowledge high, so really, I guess I'm like 6 or something, but who knows. I'm going to be a sophomore in high school, due to my laziness. I could have been going into 11th grade this year, but I decided I didn't want to work that hard.
So basically, to sum that up, I'm a lazy, procrastinating, perfectionist, with the mind of a 6 year old, going into 10th grade.
Besides that, I live in Michigan, which, evidently, has NO wolverines, which ARE NOT blue and gold, by the way, so I'm thinking they rename it the construction state. I mean, they replace the roads, section by section, so by the time they get done; they have to redo the part they started on.
We're so silly in Michigan, yes we are. I play bass guitar, but I'm not too serious about that, and I love to do art, even though I suck at it. I love music, all kinds, and basically a little of everything.
Erm...physically I'm not much, I'm overweight (because in Michigan, you're either mistaken for being anorexic or obese xD) But, since I live by Detroit, I don't look as some people. I'm short, Just about 5'3", but taller then my mum. xP I have hazel eyes and brown hair, which never seems to want to cooperate. xP
Hrmm...Besides that, I'm an extremely self-conscious dork who’s just trying to make it by in life. xP
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Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 7:07 pm
So...I drew a picture of my profile. xP It's a pretty bad drawing, but it still looks better than me.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v702/brusier/HPIM1147.jpg
Oh,yes, the real me. xP
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v702/brusier/OHZABUZA.png
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Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 7:22 pm
Your drawing is cute ^^
I like how you said that everybody in Michigan is said to be either obese or anorexic. I'm supposedly anorexic. Funny how I didn't know gonk
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User_3703108 Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 6:46 am
SOUWESTERNER! scream
Try coming up North east about 3o minutes, it'll be culture shock for ya.
Maybe I should change that to around Detroit...specifically Sterling Heights.
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Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 7:10 am
Brusier SOUTHERNER! scream
Try coming up North about 3o minutes, it'll be culture shock for ya.
Maybe I should change that to around Detroit...specifically Sterling Heights.
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Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2006 6:43 am
Anyway, so today has been weird so far and it's only like 9:21. I woke up at 8 today, like almost automatically, which isn't usual for me, because I’m not usually up until 9:30. 10:00. I'm almost done painting one hand of my nails. XD But I feel kind of sick and tired and worn down and it feels like someone is watching me, I really think there is someone living in the attic. (Darn CSI...xP) It's been really hard for me to get to sleep lately, because of the weird noises I've been hearing. I know, it's just the house settling, but since when does that sound like people cutting their toenails and cracking their fingers and walking around? Oh, and the night before that I heard weird screamish-noises, but when I went to go see if anyone was having a party, there was no one there, and last night, I was a light flash, so I automatically assumed it was a car, but when I looked again, the light wasn’t coming from my window. Could I just be Hallucinating? I guess. I haven't been doing drugs lately, so I don't understand it. Maybe just withdraw or side affects? Ah, who knows? x_x
Besides feeling crappy health wise, I'm pretty content, just a little nervous, but I always am...but I've been going into these slums of depression, which really suck, for everyone. Especially the people around me, since I can't seem to control myself when I'm in them. Ah. I'm so weird.
Another thing...I think I might be having relationship issues. Everyone's trying to convince me that he is using me and is going to leave me as soon as his pleasures are fulfilled, and sometimes I start to believe them for a few seconds, but then I shake off the thought. He says he loves me, and I trust him. I know he's friendly with other people, like telling girls they are pretty. It's just his persona, that's who he is, always trying to make everyone feel better.... still I can be a little territorial at times, and I get so jealous, mostly because he tells really pretty girls that they are pretty, and I know he could drop me and have anyone, just like that. I always feel I have to make myself look better, more appealing in some aspect, the pressure is always on, and always pushing harder. It seems I've tried everything, and we seem to be the only two people in the world for a while, and then it just stops. Thinking about it, it's starting to sound like my parents, which I absolutely hate. Why is it so inevitable that we end up like our parents? Why must our hearts die? I'm hoping desperately that I'm wrong, but it keeps getting pushed in my face, and I can't wait for it all to be over. Sometimes death is so appealing. So final. So absolute. Just thinking about it makes me feel better, I know I have something to look forward to, even thought that sounds a little gruesome. Ah well, that's life for ya.
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Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 1:00 pm
You ever find it funny how people complain about something and then go and do it?
Like, how they have no money, yet they go buy stuff?
Like my dad. How he complains and trys to get money, and we can't even buy food, yet he can go drink a party the night away. We needed the grant so we could go to school this year. We COULD have gotten it, but he dosen't go to church anymore. Yet, he yells at us for not doing so when we are sick. And my mother, she is so rainwashed. She wont stand up for herself, she won't call the cops, won't get a divorce, won't get a restraining order. THE MAN BASICLY RAPES HER EVERY NIGHT, but she dosen't want him to get angry. FInally, she's thinking of taking us and leaving, which would upset him, but it's not like he knows the difference between up and down when he's under. My won father was hitting on me. It was so disgusting. I hate him, especially when he is like this. I've tried religion for help, but I guess they're right. The heavenly father IS just like my earthly father. He dosen't give a s**t. But, I understand that, I mean come on, he created the whole universe, why should he care for one peice of dust? " But he does!" Jeez, I am sick of hearing that. If her really wanted it to, It could all be over, I wouldn't even have to be here. I mean, what's the point. There is no purpose, no final absolute rason, except to worship. I would probabaly be way more into that if I didn't have to wory everyday that my dad is going to come home and kill my mum and me. Eh, whatever, I suppose I deserve this for one reason or another. x_x
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Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 11:50 pm
Wow, your ' diary/journal ' Is really interesting to read eek You seem sooo smart 3nodding
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2006 6:10 am
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2006 8:53 am
Brusier
You ever find it funny how people complain about something and then go and do it?
Like, how they have no money, yet they go buy stuff?
Like my dad. How he complains and trys to get money, and we can't even buy food, yet he can go drink a party the night away. We needed the grant so we could go to school this year. We COULD have gotten it, but he dosen't go to church anymore. Yet, he yells at us for not doing so when we are sick. And my mother, she is so rainwashed. She wont stand up for herself, she won't call the cops, won't get a divorce, won't get a restraining order. THE MAN BASICLY RAPES HER EVERY NIGHT, but she dosen't want him to get angry. FInally, she's thinking of taking us and leaving, which would upset him, but it's not like he knows the difference between up and down when he's under. My won father was hitting on me. It was so disgusting. I hate him, especially when he is like this. I've tried religion for help, but I guess they're right. The heavenly father IS just like my earthly father. He dosen't give a s**t. But, I understand that, I mean come on, he created the whole universe, why should he care for one peice of dust? " But he does!" Jeez, I am sick of hearing that. If her really wanted it to, It could all be over, I wouldn't even have to be here. I mean, what's the point. There is no purpose, no final absolute rason, except to worship. I would probabaly be way more into that if I didn't have to wory everyday that my dad is going to come home and kill my mum and me. Eh, whatever, I suppose I deserve this for one reason or another. x_x
Holy s**t.....that's worrying....bloody hell. Get the hell out of there...if your dad is really that bad then get the hell out of there...persuade your mum that scum is scum no matter what they look like.... As husband/father, is suppose to be loving and care for his family not abuse them. You need to find help and shelter and bloody fast... Also your comment about religion stood out to me...I was the very same...why should anyone give a s**t about me....I'm not going to lie to you and say he does....because then I'd be a hypocrite....but over this last year I found a religion....how...through visions...(and nope I've never done drugs), I'm not saying become religious but when things get too tough...ask someone for help. Did you know that the hard thing to ask is for help...for yourself, it's easy to help someone else or to ask someone to help them....but realising when you need help is important... I thinnk you've realised this...and if you're still reading this then you've read all the advice I can give...find shelter any where nad get the hell away from your dad...or get the police to get him away from you and your mother. You don't have to follow this at all but it's my suggestion in extreme case.
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2006 9:08 am
My dad isn't that bad, just when he's drunk....
And, I believe in my religion fully, I just don't understand it fully, and it dosen't seem to be working, but I know my god and my morals. xP
Besides, it will all come down to improving my character someday, right?
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2006 9:16 am
Brusier
My dad isn't that bad, just when he's drunk....
And, I believe in my religion fully, I just don't understand it fully, and it dosen't seem to be working, but I know my god and my morals. xP
Besides, it will all come down to improving my character someday, right?That's really good...I'm happy for you. ^_^ Also if it's only when he's drunk....try and get him to stop drinking, if you can...then the quality of life will be better for all of you. ^_^
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2006 9:43 am
We've tryed, but he's an alcoholic. The only person who can stop him is himself. xP
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2006 10:23 am
We got a ltter in the mail today that school doesn't start until September 5th. ^^ Yay!
Actually, I was ready to start school, but what ever.
Now I have more time to get ready and do my work.
But, my first day of school dosen't atart until noon, which is really awkward. xP
I'm a little upset right now, because I might be lactose intolerant, and I love dairy. D:
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Reply
