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 Posted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 2:52 pm
All of my jokes come straight (or basically straight) from A Prarie Home Companion's Pretty Good Joke Book, 3rd Edition....
So a pastor decides one Sunday to skip church and go bear hunting. He's out in the woods with his gun and suddenly he walks right into a bear. The pastor starts running and the bear starts chasing. The pastor trips on a rock, causing him to lose his gun and sprain his ankle. He can't run, and the bear is, well, bearing down on him. So the pastor prays, "Lord, I repent for my sins! Please, all I ask is that you make this bear a Christian!" Immediately, the bear halts right in front of the pastor, gets down on his knees and says, "Thank you, Lord, for the food I am about to eat."
/rimshot
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Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 11:38 am
LMAO! That was a great one!
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Posted: Wed Aug 16, 2006 7:09 am
Aw geez... Two days into it and I already missed one... NO MATTER!
That just means I have two for you today smile
Joke #1
One day, Satan decides to go to church.
/rimshot
...
Actually, that's not the joke. See, he goes to church just to scare the crap out of people. He comes in all "fire-n-brimstone" and, understandibly, everyone runs on outta there screaming. Well, all except for one guy, and older gentleman, in one of the back pews. Satan approaches the man and says, "I am Satan, Dark Lord of the Underworld, burner of sinners and scourge to mortal man! Why are you not afraid of me?" And the guys says, simply, "Welp, I see it this way; I've been married to your sister for 43 years now, and I don't see how you could be any worse."
/2nd rimshot
Joke #2
A 90 year-old man goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, I know I'm pretty old, but I have a wife who is very young; she's 18 actaully, and we believe that she is pregnant."
The doctor says, "Let me tell you a story. A man goes out bear hunting, but he accidentally brings an umbrella instead of his rife. He gets surprised by a bear, and with nothing else to try, he points the umbrella at the bear and shoots. The bear drops dead."
The old man replies, "Impossible, someone else must have shot that bear!"
To which the doctor says, "Yeah, that's my point."
/rimshot!
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Posted: Wed Aug 16, 2006 11:33 pm
SteakGrowsOnDimitri Aw geez... Two days into it and I already missed one... NO MATTER! That just means I have two for you today smile Joke #1One day, Satan decides to go to church. /rimshot ... Actually, that's not the joke. See, he goes to church just to scare the crap out of people. He comes in all "fire-n-brimstone" and, understandibly, everyone runs on outta there screaming. Well, all except for one guy, and older gentleman, in one of the back pews. Satan approaches the man and says, "I am Satan, Dark Lord of the Underworld, burner of sinners and scourge to mortal man! Why are you not afraid of me?" And the guys says, simply, "Welp, I see it this way; I've been married to your sister for 43 years now, and I don't see how you could be any worse." /2nd rimshot Joke #2A 90 year-old man goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, I know I'm pretty old, but I have a wife who is very young; she's 18 actaully, and we believe that she is pregnant." The doctor says, "Let me tell you a story. A man goes out bear hunting, but he accidentally brings an umbrella instead of his rife. He gets surprised by a bear, and with nothing else to try, he points the umbrella at the bear and shoots. The bear drops dead." The old man replies, "Impossible, someone else must have shot that bear!" To which the doctor says, "Yeah, that's my point." /rimshot! haha joke#2 was funny. Thanks for makeing me laugh ^^
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Posted: Thu Aug 17, 2006 10:02 am
So a guy walks into a bar. The second one ducks.
No, I've got a better one...
So a guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a shot of the bar's oldest scotch. He gets the drink, and then he just sits there, looking at it for a few moments, and then he drinks it. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, you look really down." The guy replies, "You'd be feeling bad too if you had what I've got," and the bartender says, "Oh yeah, what's that?" The guy says, "Three cents."
/rimshot!
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Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 8:56 am
Mahatma Gandhi would often walk around barefoot, and as such, he developed very tough calluses on his feet. He also was known to fast for various reasons, so he was kinda frail. When he did eat, his diet consisted of things that tended to make his breath stink. So one could say that Gandhi was a super-callused, fragile mystic, plagued with halitosis.
/grooooooooooan
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Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 4:13 pm
First... Several of those were very funny.
Second, and far more importantly: I love the image in your signature!
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Posted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 8:09 am
MorielTelperien First... Several of those were very funny. Second, and far more importantly: I love the image in your signature! Thank you, thank you smile Now! Today, I will give you a two jokes. Why? I don't know. So a turtle gets assaulted by these two snails. He goes to the police, and the police ask the turtle to give a description of the snails. The turtle says, "Well, I don't know, officer, it all happened so fast." /arg! This guy is going on vacation for a week, and he has a dog, so he has his mother (who is somewhat elderly, but capable) come and stay at his house while he is gone. The guy also talks to his neighbor about checking in to make sure that things are okay every so often. So the guy goes on vacation, and it the middle of the week, he calls his neighbor to ask how the dog is doing. "Oh, he died yesterday," the neighbor tells him. The guy says, "Well, gosh, man, that's a real harsh way to put it. Couldn't you have broke it to me more easily, like say that my dog got up on the roof, and fell or something? *Sigh* Well, how's my mom doing?" To which the neighbor replies, "Well, she's up on the roof..." /rimshot!
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Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 1:58 pm
Here's a few Lightbulb Jokes!
How many self-centered people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, he just holds up the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
What do Catholics say when they change a lightbulb?
Glory be unto the Father, unto the Son, and into-the-hole-he-goes.
How many real men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, real men aren't afraid of the dark.
Finally, how many Minnesotans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to apologize for it being out in the first place.
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Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:29 am
Now, I don't know if you've heard, but the Alaska Department of Fish and Game has been out warning people about the dangers of Grizzly bears in the recent weeks. They say that anyone going out into the wilderness up there should wear small bells (to make sure they're not accidentally sneaking up on bears) and carry pepper spray (to ward off the aggressive bears). They also say that it is important to tell the difference between different kinds of bear dung. The most common kind of bear they have up there is the Black bear, and it's dung is small, and mostly contains berries and squirel fir. Grizzly bear dung is larger, filled with little bells and smells like pepper spray.
/rimshot
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Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 9:24 am
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Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 9:43 am
Okay, I got a couple more since I missed yesterday.
Joke #1
A well-dressed man walks into a bar and sits down. He demands of the bartender that he be served a glass of the bar's finest 12-year-old scotch. The bartender gives the man his order. The man looks at the drink for a moment, then takes a sip. "You dolt," the man says, "this is not 12-year-old scotch, it's only 10. How dare you insult a man of my tastes!" The bartender apologizes saying that they have no 12 year scotch and he thought the man wouldn't notice the difference. The man then orders some 10-year-old whiskey. The bartender has no 10-year whiskey, so he serves some 8-year instead. The man rejects this after tasting it in similar fashion to the scotch. The bartender again apologizes, explaining the situation. By this time, a drunk at the end of the bar has taken a great interest in the well-dressed man. The drunk calls the bartender over, and the bartender comes back with a drink saying, "This is from that drunk at the end of the bar." The well-dressed man looks over the drink, and takes a sip. "Oh my God," he exclaims, spitting out his sip, "This is human urine!" The drunk replies, "Yeah, now tell me how old I am."
Joke #2
A woman goes into the doctor's office to get her sick husband's test results.
Woman: So, doctor, what do the tests say?
Doctor: Well, ma'm, your husband is very sick. You will need to take care of his every need. You'll need to make sure is he totally comfortable and that he has plenty to eat and drink. Also, you will need to make love to him three times a day. If these things are not done, your husband may very well die.
Woman: Three times a day?
Doctor: I'm sorry, but yes.
The woman goes home to her husband to tell him the news.
Husband: So what did the doctor say, honey?
Woman: You're going to die.
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 10:26 pm
All of them were very funny. ^.^
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Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 10:16 am
ive got a couple for ya
guys goes into the bar and askes the bartender "give me a shot of ur best wiskey"
"sure no prb "
bartender poors the guy a shot and asks "whats the occasion"
man takes a shot and leens over the conter and whispers "my first bj"
oh congrads here let me poor u a shot on the house"
man replys "oh thanks im still trying to get the taste out of my mouth"
how many irish does it take to change a lightbaulb
10 1 to change it 9 to sit around the old one have a drink and say how good it was
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Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 10:20 am
women goes to a confesion booth in a church amd says in a sad moppy voice
father *sob sob* my husban passsed away last night
ohh mary im so srry to hear that.... did he have any last requests....
hum*ponders* no noo..... ohh wait yes he did father he did have one last request
ohh then please what was his last wish
he said "please for gods sake mary put down the gun"
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