|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:53 am
I write...just about anything, but here is one of my poems. I get most of my hard core critiquing done in the OP/L but I welcome any comments and/or opnions
(D)rea(m)lity
Where once
your sweat and virility
invaded my bedroom innocence
your iridescent death plasma
now conquers
my night time pillowed escapades.
Now it’s my sweat
and naivety.
I thought you meant
for now
when you said
forever.
I hoped that r.i.p.
was meant for me
when I etched
your marble slab.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 6:09 am
Well I am not much of a critique type person. I just generally say what I like and don't like. Though I tend to see the positive for the most part in a person's work.
This does have a nice dreamy quality to it while not straying into dream. I think "iridescent death plasma" is quite striking. I am not sure exactly what the last stanza means though.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 8:32 am
Maybe I will explain the poem sometime...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 8:34 pm
Well, it does seem like it's about endings. Things that were meant to last and don't.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 11:40 pm
umaeril Well, it does seem like it's about endings. Things that were meant to last and don't. Actually it is sort fo opposite of that ninja
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:31 pm
The first stanza reminds me of a relationship that is no longer and now all there is is the TV set (your iridescent death plasma). I guess because I have a plasma tv set.
Now it’s my sweat
and naivety.
The above sounds like you are alone.
I thought you meant
for now
when you said
forever.
I hoped that r.i.p.
was meant for me
when I etched
your marble slab.
The above sounds like something that ended...r.i.p.
So that is how I came to my conclusion.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Aug 16, 2006 9:09 am
somewhat intuitive...basically this poem is about the ending of mine and rayn's relationship and how I can't get over her, even when I should be able to, esp with the way our relationship ended. The death plasma is actually supposed to be her ghost haunting my mind/my dreams, and the r.i.p. is basically the death of our relationship and I etched the slab i.e. headstone because I broke things off. So it was something that was suppose to end, but for me hasn't yet.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 6:41 pm
umaeril Well, it does seem like it's about endings. Things that were meant to last and don't. *points to above* Yes, that is what I thought and said, but then you said it was the opposite.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 10:31 pm
umaeril umaeril Well, it does seem like it's about endings. Things that were meant to last and don't. *points to above* Yes, that is what I thought and said, but then you said it was the opposite. Oh, no...this was not meant to last, it was supposed to end, but didn't, she still "haunts" me...so not totally opposite, but yeah.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 7:00 am
Oooh I see.
Relationships sure can be complex at times! I know mine is too.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:19 am
umaeril Oooh I see. Relationships sure can be complex at times! I know mine is too. Mines not any more, lol
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2006 7:20 pm
Oh yeah...sorry. crying Well, hopefully you will get a new one soon.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2006 10:30 pm
umaeril Oh yeah...sorry. crying Well, hopefully you will get a new one soon. meh, you know who she is, and we are better off as friends, which we are, very close ones.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 8:52 pm
That is nice. I am good friends with one of my ex's.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
