So familiar and... overwhelmingly warm - this form I hold now. Embracing me, this reality here. This one, this form I hold now so wide eyed and hopeful. This form I hold now so wide eyed and hopefully wild as the bullet burrows through my arm - a gentle kiss through flesh.
I can barely remember what came before this precious moment, choosing to be right here, right now. Holding on, staying inside of this holy reality... this... holy experience. This pilgrimage - a path of temporary cavitation carved through towards the heart of a giant.
This body... this body holding onto me, I feel its grasp slip away with a crunch of vertebrae and a thud of hallow steel. Empty. My hands cry out in crimson and I feel the metal kiss remove itself from this body, this body that was holding me, making me feel eternal...
I open my eyes. The room is dark and there is a gentle draft from the half clogged ventilation shaft. I can smell the mustard and roses musk of my breath. It hurts to move my head and I guess that the thunder rumbling around my head is some woman lightly snoring in the distance. The nails on the blackboard starts as I slide the empty glasses on the table in front of me to the side. It ends as abruptly. It takes me a few minutes to strain my eyes hard enough at the wooden bench. There are words carved into the table and wood chips in my hair.
It reads: the brightest star of them all - it will never fall from the sky.
Pretty.
In some distant region of my brain I make note that I could use it. I grope gently atop my pockets to see where my notebook is. I think my pen's behind my ear, but I'm not sure. I feel for it, but find only a syringe. I shake it. It's empty. I toss it aside in anger, but I'm in no shape to be angry so my throw turns into a delicate toss. The syringe teeters on the table then falls. The glass shatters and the needle falls off. Vaguely I realize I could have used it later and curse myself for my stupidity.
I am just an imbecile.
There's a ring in my pocket. I can feel it. There's another on my finger that I intend to flip open. It takes me a few tries before I succeed at it, and I spill some of the powder inside. I curse loudly. It makes my head pulsate and pound even more and I try to resolve myself to not do it again. My hands are shaking and more powder's slipping out. I try hard to steady myself. I close the ring and concentrate on picking the wood chips out of the powder. I'm only half successful when I snort what's on the table.
My hands steady and my head slows.
I dig around my cargo pockets and pick out a few pills. I have to think hard about it and take a blue one and six red ones. Then a blue yellow one. Then a red yellow. My eyes are watering. It's a bad sign and I take another red yellow one.
I lean back and fall out of my stool. The floor creaks and groans as I land. My brain shoots out impulses to the rest of me and I'm in pain. I take another blue pill. I can see my knife on the floor and I wonder how it got there. My head still rang. I reached out and took it and sheathed it. I rolled over on my back and let the blackness take me again.
Watch the weather change.
The skies are overcast as I float backwards across the sea. The skies are overcast and no light penetrates their canopy. No light breaks through except on the occasional hole in the crowds and the rays are so bright they blind me. The rays are so bright they burn me. The rays are so bright and in their presence I cry. I weep and I...
Watch the weather change.
The waves are crashing against me, drowning me, forcing me into the waters. The undertow carries me as time moves me against it. I drift backwards across the stormy sea and I can see thunderbolts falling overhead. I can feel the rain searing into me. I can feel the rain washing over me. I can feel the rain drowning me and I...
Watch the weather change.
The skies are dark. The stars shine bright against the black sky. The sun is gone. The sun has given itself to me. I am the sun. I am the brightest star in the sky. I am the brightest star in the sky and I blind the other stars. I burn them all. The sun is shining out of my hands. It breaks out of my fists. I am the brightest star of them all and I...
Watch the weather change.
The sun has yet to lend itself to me. It stays in the sky. It blots out the other stars. It blots out the moon. Its rays do not yet blind. Its rays do not yet burn. Its touch is cool and gentle and warm and grazes me and holds me reminding me that I am not alone. I hardly remember what came before this precious moment and I...
Watch the weather change.
The skies are unbirthed. The stars exist only in each others eyes. The skies are missing, the sun is me and I stop floating. I stop floating backwards in the sea and I... I feel eternal...
The water is a rude awakening. Its cold assails me and leaves me beaten and shaking. It leaves me breathless. I gasp in the thick air, my head still ringing. I hate waking up like this. My mind struggles to catch up with me. Nicky hoists me to my feet. My arm feels like it's about to be torn off. I can feel Nicky holding me up. Even as I hold this unfamiliar form. He's reminding me that I am not alone. He's reminding me that I have work to do. He's reminding me that I have places to be.
Outside.
The air is thin. The skies are dark. The pinpricks of starlight hurt my eyes. I squint and take a blue pill. My eyes water and I take a red yellow pill. I can feel something itching my nose and I scratch at it. I look at my finger to find powder on it. I rub it into my gums. I reach into another pocket. I pull out a dropper and ask Nicky to help me. Begrudgingly he drips the liquid into my eyes and it stings. I want to cry and I take another red yellow pill. Soon the drops hit my blood and disperse. I can feel the high coming on.
It's a ten minute walk to The Tooth's place On the way I pop seven more pills (a blue, a red, four purples and a red yellow). On the way I stopped to inject myself with a bummed syringe. On the way I stopped to snort a line. On the way I took three shots.
Somewhere inside me a small, muted voice points out how ironic it is to be taking so much just to feel like a person. But I can't hear the voice over the blood rushing through my ears.
In the Tooth's office. I slouch in a wooden chair, fiddling with the woman's locket that hangs around my neck. I twist it a little with my fingers until the chain -too short for my neck- becomes too tight and I let go. The pills aren't keeping me awake for as long anymore and I feel myself falling backwards again...
Behind the doors everyone is waiting for the light. Be afraid, don't be afraid. An old fashioned clock strikes outside to mark the new month, a large crowd gathered around it - most celebrating. It's nothing to me now. The sun is shining out of my eyes. It will not set tonight. And the world counts loudly to ten. One...
Here comes the sun.
I break through the door. Splinters fly in the air as the large wooden board swings off its' hinge. I see the bolt flung out of its' stripped hole. There is smoke and there is fire from the bomb I used to blow the door. It sprays concrete out like snow on a cold winters day that's warmed by warm drinks and blankets. Bullets riddle my bloodied shield. Two...
Here comes the sun.
Double tap to the sternum. The holes are nothing - temporary cavitation. Unimpressive. Tap to the head, right between the eyes. I can see the man fall, his anger gone. He doesn't need it now. Three...
Here comes the sun.
Shot in the leg. The man had been doing a dive when he shot me. I shot back and missed. I threw the corpse I'd been holding aside and threw a grenade over the table at the diving man. He exploded in a shower of burning air and shrapnel and smoke and body chunks. Four...
Here comes the sun. The brightest star of them all... it is life. It is eternal...
I slip into consciousness. My hand is still on the locket. Nobody seems to have noticed that I drifted off in this dark room with it's musty smells. I open the locket. It's heart shaped and so are the photos inside. I know they're backwards. I undo the clasp and I let the locket fall into my lap. I turn it right side up and I stare into the backs of the photographs. In my semi-lucid state I remember that I couldn't stand them looking at me drink after drink. I remembered that every time I knew they were watching me, their eyes judging me - disappointed in me. I couldn't take it. I turned them upside down.
I close the locket. I like the weight of it in my hand. It's comforting. I drift back into a torpor...
The pillow was down and soft against my head. Less a dream than a memory. I was just lying there, hand underneath my head. There was a whiteness around me and I don't know if it's because I'm in heaven bathed in light or if I don't want to see what's around me. That's half the reason why I'm too afraid to look around and find out what's around me. So I imagine that I'm surrounded in white, bathed in it because I'm in heaven.
There are no red yellow pills in heaven.
The other half's in front of me. My other half's in front of me. Thoughtful almond eyes and wavy stranded hair. Ruby lips over alabaster skin. Our whole's between us. His eyes are like his mothers. He has her hair. He has my mouth, and my last name and that's all I'd want to pass on. He had a nightmare and now lays between us, fast asleep, comforted.
There are no nightmares in heaven.
His head rests on my arm and I play with her hair, brushing it out of her eyes. I can breath the serenity and I can look without shame in my eyes. I had wept once before. That once was when she had brushed the hair from my eyes - hair matted in sweat and-
There are no unpleasant memories in heaven.
-and she had told me nothing else mattered. I had wept in relief then, and I could weep in joy now. I could reach for my gun, but I don't know that I should ******** looking at me because I'm on my feet and my gun's drawn. The Tooth's startled. He's never seen me move that fast. He's never seen me shoot so fast. He's never known that I was the setting sun. He'd never have thought of me as the brightest star in the heavens.
The window's riddled with holes. There's a corpse outside. It's of a miscreant. An eavesdropper. And now he's dropped. My hands are shaking. I want to shoot more. I want to kill more. I want to kill everyone here, everything. I want to breath smoke. I want to put a bullet in the eyes of every panda that won't screw to save it's species. I want to...
I just sit down. Lightheaded. Too much exercise. I can feel my eyes water and I pop a red yellow pill. The meeting wraps up. Nicky and I leave on assignment.
The place is a strip club. It's high end. It's drug free. Just boozers and perverts. Nicky walks in first. He's excited. A waitress walks by and he says someone should call heaven.
"I caught a glimpse of heaven once." I tell him. He looks at me surprised. He looks at me like I've never spoken to him before. "It was stolen from me." I tell him. That's good. I think. I feel for my notebook and pen and I can't find them. I'm in that lucid state after highs and before lows. That neutrality. That evenness.
"You... uh... steal it right back." he says. His tone is that of an adult talking to a nine year old. Absent minded. Callous almost. Careless. He doesn't understand what he's just said.
There's muscle waiting for us. Nicky's at the head. Ten of us in total. We walk into the back. Nicky leads the way. I bring up the rear. The women here vary in degree of clothing. Some are nude. Some are dressed. Most are somewhere in between. I see a little boy run out of our way, clutching at a strippers leg. There's a woman here with large brown eyes. Another with alabaster skin.
I want to cry. I reach for a red yellow pill. I'm fresh out. I grope around my other pockets. I'm still out. I grit my teeth and walk on. There's yelling close by. Nicky's talking business. He wants money. He threatens. He says there will be blood. He says there will be death. And there will be.
I remember back to a time when I was the sun. I think back to when I was the brightest star in the heavens. I think back to Persephone and the clock in the distance. I think back to that local tradition, welcoming the month. A celebration. A praising of hope. I think back and I'm jolted into the present as Nicky's yelling for me.
He wants me to talk to the owner. I walk up to him. He's got a bruise across his eye. It's fresh. I look at him. There's a silence in the air and I look him in the eyes. I'm thinking back to that night and the clock and I'm still looking into his eyes. I blink. I remember the line off the table and why it was carved there. A message from one lucid state to another.
I speak: "The sun is shining out of my hands. It can burn. It can blind you all. When it breaks out of the fists it lays down hotly on your face - it lays down painfully on your chest. Balance is lost..." I look away, at the ground, then up at Nicky. I continue: "It lets you go hard to the floor. And the world counts loudly to ten."
Nicky stares at me, he asks me what I'm doing.
I respond: "Here comes the sun." They're down by one now.
Here comes the sun.
Double tap to the sternum, tap to the head and he's down. Two...
It is blinding.
Nicky's not even on the ground and I'm shooting at the muscle. Bullet in the solar plexus and he's thrust back. Two more to the skull. Three...
It is shining from my eyes.
Next guy's almost got his gun out. One bullet in the eye - goo sprays out the other side. One bullet in the mouth - blood sprays out the other end. He's falling down as he's loosing cranial capacity. Four.
It shines out of my hands.
A bullet grazes my ear. I can feel blood coming down. I point my gun. I pull my trigger. It clicks. No muzzleflash. I drop the pistol and reach out for the guy closest to me - pulling him in as the others open fire. Five.
It breaks out of my fists.
They're reloading when I drop the slug riddled corpse. I run at the nearest one. Elbow to the head - knee to the base of his spine. I can hear a crack. He hits the ground and I stomp on his neck, twisting it to make sure it's broken. I can hear him gurgling as blood fills his mouth. Six.
The brightest star of them all.
Next. I grab his hand with my right. Twist it around. He fires right next to my ear. It starts ringing. Break his elbow with my left. Swing him around into the next guy. His gun slips easily into my hand as I release my grip. The two fall as I pull the Mozambique Drill on a third. Seven.
It will not set tonight.
I'm shot. Through the shoulder. It throws off my aim and I miss a double tap. Another hit to the torso. I fall back to the ground, sliding back a few feet. It gives me a moment to steady my aim. I fire. Three bullets to the skull. Eight.
It is life.
Another shot at me. Another miss. It's one of the two on the floor - the one without a broken arm. Bullet through the neck. Bullet through the heart. He's down and out and dead. Nine.
It is eternal.
I'm out of bullets. The other guy's trying to get up. I sweep his legs out from under him. He falls on his bad hand and in a flash I'm on top of him. My punches bludgeon his face until it's looking like raw meet. My elbows cut it up. He's dead by the time I stop. Tears are streaming down my face. My hands are raw. I hear nothing and I can't see past the saltwater stinging my eyes. I collapse next to the mutilated man shaking and crying.
All this pain - it's an illusion.
There's a hand on my shoulder. It's the stripper with the big brown eyes and the kid. She helps me sit up and holds me. Her touch is so familiar and overwhelmingly warm to this familiar form I hold now. Her body holding me reminds me that I am not alone. She recognized me as I was - a child throwing a tantrum.
The stripper helped me up and took me to the now deserted bar. She fixed me a drink as I sat quietly playing with the locket. My hands were starting to shake. I couldn't twirl it between my fingers anymore. I opened it up and propped it up against the glass in front of me. The photographs faced away from me. I took my knife out of it's sheath and gritted my teeth to force my hands steady. The tip took out the two heart shaped photos. I flipped the first one over. In it was a four year old boy with her hair and my mouth. I set it back into the frame. I flipped the second picture over. It was a woman. Alabaster skin and ruby lips. She was laughing. The picture of a face that looked too much like mine had occupied the spot once. It was long since burnt - replaced by this better one.
I propped the locket back up against the glass. The two sets of eyes stared blankly at me.
The stripper asks me who they were. I stay quiet and she looks at my face. Then back at the pictures and back to my face. She comes to understand who they are.
She asks: "What happened to them?"
I dig into the pocket of my cargo pants and produce a slug. I put it down on the table and say: "Bullets."
She didn't want to touch a nerve. She looks down at the bar. She says: "I'm sorry."
I say: "My whole family died in an Alliance raid." My voice is hoarse - like it's been unused in a long time.
She's quiet.
I continue: "I should have died too. I took enough bullets."
She wants to say something. I can feel it, but she holds back and then: "But you lived."
"I thought I'd figured out why..."
-I shoot a soldier in the eye, he falls back as I continue unloading on anything that comes out the door, the trigger singing the skin on my hand-
"...but I was wrong." I finish.
A silence fell over us. I sat, blinking at the pictures that hadn't looked at me in so long. She sat, uncomfortable. She wanted to talk, to ask, to know. Curiosity. It killed more than just the cat.
Finally she shattered the quiet: "Why did you help us?"
"I felt... compelled." I told her. "Compelled to help you. My life was intertwined with life itself." I paused "How ironic then... that I live to take it."
She asked "Who are you?" Baffled. It was like she'd never heard me say anything poetic before.
I stood and put the locket around my neck. "I am the setting sun." I told her, taking off my powdered ring and discarding it on the counter beside my untouched glass. "And like the sun disappears only to reappear-" I continued, taking the ring out from my pocket - a small silver band. It fit easily over my left ring finger. "I'm eternally here..."
I started walking off, muttering to myself. "Never conquered... just here..."
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