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Italics are Lan’s own thoughts/imagination
On My Own
Aki Kochou
Song: On My Own from Les Miserables

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping

Darkness covered the natural park that was the forest. A lone figure randomly walked through with no true purpose for being there. Perhaps it was the ability to think and to be alone. Or perhaps it was that the trees did not judge a person. The plants would not hold a person to the expectations of all the other humans. The moon would provide a peaceful sanctuary where one could be alone while all others slept.

I think of him and I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

Lan wandered the forest alone with only the other plants and the moon for company. While many times, he would be lonely, this time; he enjoyed the lack of any other human presence. He enjoyed the time that he had to think and more or less live inside of his own mind. Right now, he only had one thing on his mind…

“Chaud…” Lan murmured to the wind.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning

Lan sighed. Ok, so perhaps there was one person he wished he could talk to.

“So there you are, Lan. Why are you out here?”

“I…I dunno…just thinking I suppose…But…it’s really nice out, isn’t it?” A nod in reply.

“Yea…it is…”

“Can we just walk for a while, Chaud?”

“Sure, why not?”

Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

“W-where am I? Where are you, Chaud?” A warm feeling filled Lan as strong, yet comforting arms surrounded him.

“Don’t worry Lan. I’m here. I won’t let you get lost.” The younger boy relaxed into the older’s arms.

“Thank you…”

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness,
The trees are full of starlight

Splatter…drip…drop…

“It’s raining…” Lan murmured.

“Do you mind it…?”

“No…the rain helps plants grow. Plus…”

“Yea…?” The younger hesistated.

“Actually, I don’t know.”

“Idiot.” The older said affectionately.

And all I see is him and me
Forever and forever

“Chaud?”

“Yes?”

“Promise…” Chaud looked inquiringly at Lan and Lan continued. “Promise…you won’t…leave me…” Chaud blinked but smiled and embraced the other boy.

“Don’t worry, I promise. I will never leave you.” Again, Lan relaxed into the embrace. Something about the embrace made him feel warm inside and like he had the power to defeat anything…as long as Chaud was by his side.

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

Lan sighed. Like that would ever happen…As far as he knew, all Chaud saw him as was simply a netbattle rival; someone to keep his skills sharp with. There could be no way…Could Chaud ever see him as anything more than just ‘Hikari’? Was it possible that Chaud would ever…love him?

“Perhaps…maybe…someday…” Lan whispered.

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

For some reason, when Lan was with Chaud, the world seemed…different. Brighter, even more colorful than it already was. However, when he wasn’t around…

“It’s darker…it’s like…I barely even know myself anymore…if I don’t even know myself, how would I recognize anyone else…?” Lan questioned himself, but found no answer in his mind.

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known

Most people saw Lan as a hyper-active kid who always looked on the bright side of things. However, when he was alone in times like this…when he was just laying on the grass, staring at the stars twinkling above him…he let everything go. He let himself be who his subconscious wanted.

“I’ll bet you Chaud’s in his office, doing all that boring paper work and paying absolutely no mind to his own health. And then Protoman might try to get him to take a break, but Chaud will either just ignore him or just say ‘There’s no time for that. I’ve got to get this paperwork done’. “ Lan laughed softly. That certainly did seem like Chaud.

“But Chaud really should pay more attention to himself. All he does is work, work, work, occasional netbattle and then more work. No wonder he gets sick. It’s because he’s so busy working!” Lan exclaimed and again laughed. But then, his eyes dimmed and he sobered.

‘But…if I were with him…would that be different…? Would he listen to me…?’

I love him
I love him

Lan barely realized that he left the park until a bright city light burned against his eyes. He took in his surroundings with surprise.

“Chaud’s house…” Lan muttered. “Funny I’d end up here…”

I love him
But only on my own.

‘Someday…maybe he’ll love me too…’