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 Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:35 pm
You touch me and I freeze,
When you hold me I can't breathe,
When you leave,
I'm on my knees.
I'm infected by you,
It's in my veins,
Controlling my life,
I need you just to be.
I touch your cheek,
And you retract,
What can I do?
I need to be with you.
I'm begging you to aid my plight,
I need your help because I can't fight,
It's too late the poison has seeped,
I'm infected now.
The time is up now,
And I'm not free,
I need you with me
To help me breathe.
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Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 7:44 pm
Line one of stanza one feels weird. I see fancy words and their too fancy for this poem. Now trust me simple poem can actually be a good thing. In this case it was, but the fancy words just kind of threw it off.
Again look threw it, go back over it and be sure that it makes scene.
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Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 8:11 pm
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Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 8:16 pm
The ryhme scheme is really shaky and in the second stanza it's non-existant. I think this could be done better in freeverse, but I'm a freeverse whore so I'm biased. Rhyming poems sound a lot better when they stick to a specific rhyme scheme. Try coming up with a scheme before even starting the poem.
I also hate love poems in general so I can't really crit anything other than what I said about the rhyming or it will come off as jackassery.
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Posted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 10:12 am
The only thing that i have a problem with is at the last line in the forth stanza and the first line in the last stanza both end with now. it's something that bothers me
it might be my on paranoia or peeve but still
it's nice anyways
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Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 9:20 am
Ai_Hoshiko Line one of stanza one feels weird. I see fancy words and their too fancy for this poem. Now trust me simple poem can actually be a good thing. In this case it was, but the fancy words just kind of threw it off. Again look threw it, go back over it and be sure that it makes scene. I agree, some of your word choices might be too fancy for this poem and did throw it off a bit.
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