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 Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2004 8:08 am
Hi, there!! I post this poem for... third time?! *dunno* But it was always in the writers forum! And i want you, guys, to check it out too!
Don`t be rude this is my first poem in english... I wrote it several months ago - during one biology class! I am not from english-speaking country - i study it at Foreign Languages High-school... So, please, no matter what, tell me the truth!! And if you can - tell me the rules of writing poem in english! Thanks!
I Will Love You
by Jo *** ********
I miss you, I need you,
What shall I do without you?
My life ended – you made it!
You rocked my existence,
And I left you with no resistance.
You left me alone
In the hug of Rome…
Why did you dp it? Why did you leave me?
Why? Why? TELL ME!!
You are now an angel in the sky,
And I cry, cry…
Your death was a hit to my heart,
And now I to cry start...
I`ll remember you, I will,
But there is in me no living will…
I want to find you up there,
But to kill myself I ain`t dare…
I loved you, I still do,
But my life is nothing without you...
So why should I still continue living?
When my soul is leaving?
I can`t forget you, you are all around me!
Why did you leave me???
Why?
I will love you down here,
Until I find you up there...
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Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2004 8:23 am
I like this poem; I like the sentiment behind it, even if it is sad, because it's something we can all relate to at some point or other in our lives. I had a death in the family a few years ago, and I'm still left hurting from it, so I can relate.
I will make a little bit of constructive criticism, though. The rhythm of the poem seems to be a bit awkward, but that could also be due to English not being your first language. It may have also been inetnetional on your part to have the poem be read as "choppy." If that was the intent, kudos! It adds an air of depiration to the piece. I'd also suggest picking a rhyme scheme and sticking to it; you rhymed some lines, and others were either a stretch or just didn't happen.
ALl in all, though, it was a great first poem! 3nodding
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The Bookwyrm Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2004 8:58 am
best sentences are the last two, its really sweet and kinda sad sad
some lines i kind of dont really understand, but thats ok coz yeah your not english biggrin , but thats brilliant for your first piece. To be able to talk and write anotehr languag is a big achievement, to write a poem in that language is an even bigger one, to get that poem to convey such an emotion and to make sense is f*ckin awesome, you go girl!
lol "and now i cry to start", that was the main sentence that i was like o.o hehe smile
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Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2004 3:56 am
redface heart Thank you, guys! You are very kind! *blushes*
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Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2004 8:03 am
Its a really nice poem. You can visualize exactly what is happening and I really like it. Keep up the good work. 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2004 10:42 am
Hmmm...I prefer to not critique poetry cause its really not my thing but...I think this would make a really good hardcore/screamo song scream !!
Yes, I love hardcore/screamo music, so this is a compliment domokun
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Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2004 12:12 pm
MaDMiDgEt Hmmm...I prefer to not critique poetry cause its really not my thing but...I think this would make a really good hardcore/screamo song scream !! Yes, I love hardcore/screamo music, so this is a compliment domokun WOW! thanks! it is great, `cause when i wrote it i was listening to a local rock-hardcore-radio! heart And i really ment to be a song... heart
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Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2004 12:34 pm
JoeLee MaDMiDgEt Hmmm...I prefer to not critique poetry cause its really not my thing but...I think this would make a really good hardcore/screamo song scream !! Yes, I love hardcore/screamo music, so this is a compliment domokun WOW! thanks! it is great, `cause when i wrote it i was listening to a local rock-hardcore-radio! heart And i really ment to be a song... heart Heh, that is so cool. I thought it felt a lot like a song but I wasn't sure. I know there are some definite lines of style between lyrics and poetry, but I've never really known what they are. There is just something about how it feels, I guess? I think I'll just stick to rocking out to the music while working on my fiction and essays sweatdrop
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Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2004 12:38 pm
MaDMiDgEt JoeLee MaDMiDgEt Hmmm...I prefer to not critique poetry cause its really not my thing but...I think this would make a really good hardcore/screamo song scream !! Yes, I love hardcore/screamo music, so this is a compliment domokun WOW! thanks! it is great, `cause when i wrote it i was listening to a local rock-hardcore-radio! heart And i really ment to be a song... heart Heh, that is so cool. I thought it felt a lot like a song but I wasn't sure. I know there are some definite lines of style between lyrics and poetry, but I've never really known what they are. There is just something about how it feels, I guess? I think I'll just stick to rocking out to the music while working on my fiction and essays sweatdrop Yeah, i dunno the difference either... Do you play music?!
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Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2004 1:02 pm
Eh, no I don't play music. I am, however, a music business student at a small college in Memphis. But I loooove music (with a 2500 song, legally owned, iTunes playlist to prove it wink ), particulary that which is influenced by punk, hard rock, and hardcore. Favorite bands include: Underoath, Beloved (US), Haste the Day, Anberlin, Blindside, Dogwood, Five Iron Frenzy, Emery, Joy Electric, mewithoutYou, MxPx, Project 86, Slick Shoes.......Yeah, it's a mighty big list biggrin How about you?
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Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2004 1:03 pm
I think it would also make a good song, lol. Screaming out why up into the clouds.. I sort of imagined it as a music video. o_O;
I think this is very good. Some sentences were a little off, but it's understandable since english isn't your native language. I think it's wonderful that you're able to write that in english while there are some here (native born Americans) who can't even do it.. I say you should keep at it!! Maybe one'll turn out into a cool song/music video one day. wink
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Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2004 1:18 pm
Apathetic Puppet I think it would also make a good song, lol. Screaming out why up into the clouds.. I sort of imagined it as a music video. o_O;
I think this is very good. Some sentences were a little off, but it's understandable since english isn't your native language. I think it's wonderful that you're able to write that in english while there are some here (native born Americans) who can't even do it.. I say you should keep at it!! Maybe one'll turn out into a cool song/music video one day. wink thanks! it would be cool, ha?! imagine my song on MTV... *dreams* heart
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Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2004 1:21 pm
MaDMiDgEt Favorite bands include: Underoath, Beloved (US), Haste the Day, Anberlin, Blindside, Dogwood, Five Iron Frenzy, Emery, Joy Electric, mewithoutYou, MxPx, Project 86, Slick Shoes.......Yeah, it's a mighty big list biggrin How about you? Well... to be honest... i have never heard of these... they are not very popular in Bulgaria... sweatdrop but i suppose they are great! I, well... I listen all kind of music... But i like Metalica... alot! XDD and some other bands, but no boy-bands like Backstreet boys! ><
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Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2004 1:35 pm
JoeLee MaDMiDgEt Favorite bands include: Underoath, Beloved (US), Haste the Day, Anberlin, Blindside, Dogwood, Five Iron Frenzy, Emery, Joy Electric, mewithoutYou, MxPx, Project 86, Slick Shoes.......Yeah, it's a mighty big list biggrin How about you? Well... to be honest... i have never heard of these... they are not very popular in Bulgaria... sweatdrop but i suppose they are great! I, well... I listen all kind of music... But i like Metalica... alot! XDD and some other bands, but no boy-bands like Backstreet boys! >< Ah, wow, Bulgaria. Of course Metallica's name would get out there. The bands I listen to are fairly underground (though Blindside and MxPx have gone mainstream, and Underoath and Project 86 are making their way up there.) so I wouldn't expect many people to have heard of em anyways. But you guys have a hardcore station, which rocks. Those are very rare here in America crying
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