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High-functioning Businesswoman
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 Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 10:31 pm
This is the first "spiritual" poem I've ever written. Most of my stuff is angsty and emo and ... bleh, so I tried my hand at using my talent for God. This was the result. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! Enjoy. heart
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Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 12:26 am
It was good, but while the repitition made the poem more powerful, it also seemed to drain the poem a little. If you have any lines that you think are the same with different phrasing, cut one of them. I thought the lines
"Thank You for the big things in life
So that I may not worry about the little things
Thank You for keeping the big picture a secret
So that when I see it I will be amazed"
were the best in the whole poem. They were really powerful, and you surprised me with the reasons you were thanking God.
Capitalizing "you" in "Thank you" I think was meant to put extra emphasis on Thank You as a seperate entity, but it ended up distracting me from the poem.
At the end, where it says "Thank You from me" it seemed to read a little rushed. Perhaps put a comma or some pause there so it reads
"Thank you, from me."
or
"Thank you-- from me."
And the "amen" at the end, seems a little redundant because it's almost as if you're writing a letter to God and at the end there is
Thank you,
from me.
like there would be at the end of a letter, and it seems to just be stuck on there at the end.
I would suggest you either change it to "Thank you, God" or cut the "amen", but it's your poem so it's up to you.
Some extra random formatting stuff, was the poem double spaced on your computer? I assume not, since fictionpress automatically double spaces unless when you edit it you delete each space and then click shift+enter to make a single space instead of a double, but if it was you might want to single space it because it looks more proffessional. I would also just bold the title, the underlining is a bit of overkill.
I hope you meant it when you said constructive criticism is greatly appreciated, because I think I went a bit overboard. Don't think I didn't like the poem though, because it was brilliant.
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High-functioning Businesswoman
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Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 6:08 pm
I totally meant it when I said constructive criticism. I'm so glad you gave me all that and not the just the "it was good" compliment. I hate those. To address some of the things you said:
I agree with you that the repetition does get kinda ... repetitive. I'd like to somehow cut some of the repetition, but I'm not quite sure how. confused
I capitalized "you" as a sign of reverence. Whenever we refer to God we always say "He" or "Him;" I figured it only appropriate to capitalize "you."
Hmm ... yeah, I never noticed the rushedness of the last part. Thanks for pointing that out. I'm such a hater of punctuation in poetry though; I don't know why. But yes, some sort of pause or break is a good idea.
And also, I never realized that the "amen" at the end sounded redundant (this is why constructive criticism pwns; you don't realize things sometimes until people point them out). I think I will cut it.
And yeah, Ficpress hates my stuff. I can never get it to format the way I want. I put little symbols in my stories to show a change in perspective or scene, but it always gets rid of them, so I have to find some other way to show a break. Stupid Ficpress. stressed
Thanks for the critique!!
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Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 9:39 pm
Quote: I capitalized "you" as a sign of reverence. Whenever we refer to God we always say "He" or "Him;" I figured it only appropriate to capitalize "you." Oh, duh. -hits forehead- I'm a little slow. sweatdrop Quote: And yeah, Ficpress hates my stuff. I can never get it to format the way I want. I put little symbols in my stories to show a change in perspective or scene, but it always gets rid of them, so I have to find some other way to show a break. Stupid Ficpress. You see the line right next to the bold B? It puts a line to break sections up. It's handy.
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Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 6:03 pm
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Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 4:03 pm
Oh noes!! eek I'll go fix it. 3nodding
EDIT There, it's fixed. Try it now. 3nodding
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High-functioning Businesswoman
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Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 5:09 pm
oh no!!! link not working for me exclaim crying really wanted to read it to..........
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Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 5:15 pm
well, i guess hard work and determination pulls off (i clicked it a second time) blaugh very good. u have a very good climax in ur poem and really does make u think. the ending wasn't as good as the rest though.
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High-functioning Businesswoman
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Posted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 4:18 pm
What about the ending didn't work for you? 3nodding
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Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 4:25 pm
I like the "depth" of the poem--i like those kinds. I think you should have captalized the object like, "Thank you for Death" because the object was kind of acting like a name of a...thing?......do you know what I mean?
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Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 8:07 pm
Hmm . . . it may repeat a lot, but it adds to the poem, I think. In truth, the simplicity of it makes it great, but it lacks something . . . once it comes to me I shall let you know! sweatdrop
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Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 8:07 pm
I see what you're saying; thanks for your comments.
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High-functioning Businesswoman
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Posted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 8:57 pm
Well, that poem shows a thankfulness that most are not thankful for until they get to the next line.
Such as "Thank You for pain
So that I may come to appreciate pleasure
Thank You for darkness
So that I may come to appreciate the light" and the list goes on, but we've all had these experiences and we can still thank Him through it all.
I really do like your poem and it reminds me of times where I chose to be thankful to Him even when the circumstances were difficult.
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Posted: Thu May 03, 2007 10:14 am
I like this. I liked the second half so much better than the first though... probably because the second bunch of thankfuls is stuff that's a little out of the normal realm. I think we've all heard the first stanza in some form or another, and it's a good opening. Then it builds up in the second half... then closes immediately. I think you should perhaps consider putting in another, shorter set of "thank you"s.
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