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 Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 3:41 am
As she lay in my arms on the grass,
Under the taotao mona trees.
I look into her eyes and wonder,
Will she wait for me,
Will she wait till I return home.
Will her eyes still burn with the passion it does now,
Or will it fade like the phasing days.
As we lay on the grass,
Under the stars in the night sky I think to myself,
Will she be truthful and faithful to me.
Will her thoughts wonder and stray as I'm away
Yet all I know is that I love my Palaun princess.
to be continued...
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Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 9:33 am
Very nice, not any obivous typos. Good simple descriptions.
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Posted: Wed May 04, 2005 10:12 pm
MelanthaB Very nice, not any obivous typos. Good simple descriptions. Thank you wink
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Posted: Wed May 04, 2005 10:42 pm
Pilin As she lay in my arms on the grass, Under the taotao mo'na trees. I look into her eyes and wonder, Will she wait for me, Will she wait till I return home. Will her eyes still burn with the passion it does now, Or will it fade like the phasing days. As we lay on the grass, Under the stars in the night sky I think to myself, Will she be truthful and faithful to me. Will her thoughts wonder and stray as I'm away Yet all I know is that I love my Palaun princess. So many times I have lost my self in her eye's, Never wanting to return to reality because I know that reality would take me from her. Oh how I dred the day I leave her loving arms... the day I say good-bye. I would give up my world for her, All that I know... all that I've loved. For I know that in her arms I find happiness a feeling often denied to me. I have gone days without love, peace, happiness... I have known only False happiness, pain, lose and loneliness. Yet with her my sorrows blow away like the breeze that blows through the Plumeria trees. We have laid on the edges of cliffs that overlook the ocean, We have listend to the waves crash onto the great stones along the shores. We have listened to the sea birds sing their songs. We have danced to and sung the songs of the ancients... Of the days long gone. I have searched the ocean as far as it allowed me, I have climbed the cliffs along the ocean to find a prize as beautiful as her... Yet the loveliest flower the purest shells could not compair with her. I love her my Palauan Princess.
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Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2005 6:07 pm
Oh how hard is it to love a picture
Looking into eyes so empty
When love longs to be held
How void and cold is it's embrace
When love longs to hear its love
How silent is it
Whispering in your ears
Oh how hard is it to love a picture
When lonlyness and longing corrode the mind,
How patient can a heart truly be
When it longs for more then a simple memory.
Oh how hard is it to love a picture
When it longs for a kiss
How soft and tender are its lips
Oh how warm is its touch
When love longs for maor then an empty bed
Oh how comforting is a picture
When sorrow comes and stays by your side
How gentle is it
When it wipes the tears from your tearsoaked cheeks
these are thoughts that plague my mind
Util I see you
Then the answer is clear
My love cant love a picture
My love can only love you
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Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2005 2:07 pm
I really like this. It's deep... and is very emotional. I like. Way to go.
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Posted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:18 pm
eternal-phantom I really like this. It's deep... and is very emotional. I like. Way to go. Thank you
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Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 8:59 am
As she lay in my arms on the grass,
Under the taotao mo'na trees.
I look into her eyes and wonder,
Will she wait for me,
Will she wait till I return home.
Will her eyes still burn with the passion it does now,
Or will it fade like the phasing days. good consonance.
As we lay on the grass,
Under the stars in the night sky I think to myself, repetitive, yo. thinking and thinking to yourself is the same thing.Will she be truthful and faithful to me.
Will her thoughts wonder and stray as I'm away WANDER!
Yet all I know is that I love my Palaun princess.
So many times I have lost my self in her eye's, Eyes. Plural, not posessive.
Never wanting to return to reality because I know that reality would take me from her. REPETITIVE! Shorten the line. I could say it in less: "Fleeing reality, knowing it would steal her." But it's not mine to change. I definitely would, though.
Oh how I dred the day I leave her loving arms... dread
the day I say good-bye.
I would give up my world for her, CLICHEALERT
All that I know... all that I've loved. Implication being that all you know is less than all you love? you hopeless romantic, you. I'd switch 'em. *shrug* The "cool" in modern poetry is that love is common, knowing- that's something worth looking for.
For I know that in her arms I find happiness a feeling often denied to me. blatant lack of punctuation.
I have gone days without love, peace, happiness...
I have known only False happiness, pain, lose and loneliness. Oddly, all I can say is- good for you.
Yet with her my sorrows blow away like the breeze that blows through the Plumeria trees.You're losing your audience here. Trees are great symbols- so use ones that actually stand as a symbol universally (that the reader would recognize as a symbol of a certain mood, idea, etc)
We have laid on the edges of cliffs that overlook the ocean, lain. And "the edges of" is excessive. It makes just as much sense without, so cut it out.
We have listend to the waves crash onto the great stones along the shores.
We have listened to the sea birds sing their songs.
We have danced to and sung the songs of the ancients... yuh huh... getting bored now. It's not good to lay on the sap line after line. Unless you have something dramatically different to say, cut out the lines. Long poems are not impressive unless they narrate an actual story and things CHANGE. This is like a 100 page vignette- too long for what it does.
Of the days long gone.
I have searched the ocean as far as it allowed me, bad lines in succession after this.
I have climbed the cliffs along the ocean to find a prize as beautiful as her...
Yet the loveliest flower the purest shells could not compair with her.
I love her my Palauan Princess.
Too long for what it is (an ode to a girl.) Condense it to ten lines and you might have something of merit.
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Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 7:17 am
i like this alot better.
when i read the first post, that in it's simplicity was fantastic, and nice use of imagery and it was unique in the setting.
good work
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Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 6:07 pm
bytten As she lay in my arms on the grass, Under the taotao mo'na trees. I look into her eyes and wonder, Will she wait for me, Will she wait till I return home. Will her eyes still burn with the passion it does now, Or will it fade like the phasing days. good consonance.As we lay on the grass, Under the stars in the night sky I think to myself, repetitive, yo. thinking and thinking to yourself is the same thing.Will she be truthful and faithful to me. Will her thoughts wonder and stray as I'm away WANDER!Yet all I know is that I love my Palaun princess. So many times I have lost my self in her eye's, Eyes. Plural, not posessive.Never wanting to return to reality because I know that reality would take me from her. REPETITIVE! Shorten the line. I could say it in less: "Fleeing reality, knowing it would steal her." But it's not mine to change. I definitely would, though.Oh how I dred the day I leave her loving arms... dreadthe day I say good-bye. I would give up my world for her, CLICHEALERTAll that I know... all that I've loved. Implication being that all you know is less than all you love? you hopeless romantic, you. I'd switch 'em. *shrug* The "cool" in modern poetry is that love is common, knowing- that's something worth looking for.For I know that in her arms I find happiness a feeling often denied to me. blatant lack of punctuation.I have gone days without love, peace, happiness... I have known only False happiness, pain, lose and loneliness. Oddly, all I can say is- good for you. Yet with her my sorrows blow away like the breeze that blows through the Plumeria trees. You're losing your audience here. Trees are great symbols- so use ones that actually stand as a symbol universally (that the reader would recognize as a symbol of a certain mood, idea, etc)We have laid on the edges of cliffs that overlook the ocean, lain. And "the edges of" is excessive. It makes just as much sense without, so cut it out.We have listend to the waves crash onto the great stones along the shores. We have listened to the sea birds sing their songs. We have danced to and sung the songs of the ancients... yuh huh... getting bored now. It's not good to lay on the sap line after line. Unless you have something dramatically different to say, cut out the lines. Long poems are not impressive unless they narrate an actual story and things CHANGE. This is like a 100 page vignette- too long for what it does.Of the days long gone. I have searched the ocean as far as it allowed me, bad lines in succession after this.I have climbed the cliffs along the ocean to find a prize as beautiful as her... Yet the loveliest flower the purest shells could not compair with her. I love her my Palauan Princess. Too long for what it is (an ode to a girl.) Condense it to ten lines and you might have something of merit.
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 8:08 pm
I completely forgot, I love your usage of different trees. They are trees I've never heard of (maybe I'm just an idiot) and I like their ring.
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Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2005 4:49 pm
Uhh...I think the tree names are made up, thmart one. Anyways, great poem dude! I'm not into deep, non-ultra-philisophical poetry, but this one rocks the hizzle to the mizax! mrgreen
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Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 9:59 pm
The poem is really quite good, but I do have to agree with the critique that bytten did, though cutting it down to 10 would be pretty...difficult.
I mean, you could cut it down to 20 or fifteen. and you might be able to have the same sweet short feeling.
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Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 6:13 am
Heyeah. That first part is pretty good. I liked it. Just a few tips? Try and keep the lines averagely sized. I found some were tiny others were big.
EDIT: Oh...there are continuations. *shrugs*
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 10:44 pm
So pretty, I liked it. What is a taotao mona tree? If you made it up, that's wierd, because I actually think I have heard of it before, but I'm not sure. It is a bit long, but if you take the time to read it, it comes out really good, like an epic. Plus if it's long, that's a guarantee that it will never end up on the inside of a hallmark card (Poetry shame!)
But I think for the second part you added, you might want ot think about breaking up some of the longer sentences, they throw off the rythem you had going.
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