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princess_Im_bored Captain
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 Posted: Tue Jul 04, 2006 6:54 pm
An empty forum seems so lonely so I shall fill the void with my ego. lol I'm working on a novel (I have been since 7th grade but I keep rewriting it because I'm never satisfied). It's a sort of distopia set in the future sort of thing where people live underground and almost all technoligy has been wiped out. The underground cities are suffering over population but they can't convince people that it's okay to live above ground so they make a school that they force all eleven and twelve year olds to go to that is above ground. Pretty much they dump the kids out in the middle of the desert that covered the world and tell them to take care of themselves. I can never describe the story without making it sound dumb and cliche so I'm giving up now. stare
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Posted: Tue Jul 04, 2006 9:12 pm
I'd like to read it. Are you planning on posting it here?
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princess_Im_bored Captain
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Posted: Tue Jul 04, 2006 9:31 pm
Maybe little clips that I like. It's really long so it really wouldn't be practical to post all of it. several hundred pages.
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 12:47 am
I find that the older and more experienced a writer I become, the less I like the things I have written. However, every once in a while I surprise myself. It is good to look back on a writing to get an idea of how something you write seems to someone who hasn't read it. Your memory wears down.
The idea sounds very cool princess. I'd love to read a little sometime also.
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 1:04 am
majority rules. Now you have to put some of your story on here! xd heart whee
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 1:27 am
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princess_Im_bored Captain
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 7:56 am
Alright, alright, I'll post up the introduction to the charictors up but keep in mind it's still in the editing proccess, it always seems to be, I'm really never satified. Feel free to make any comments and I don't mind being told something sucks.
Marie looked down at the Xs that lined her paper, the marks of the total illiteracy of the poorer neighborhoods. They’ll take it better from you, she had been told by the school board, you look friendly. She had protested that it would be much better if she started with a nicer neighborhood but it just went to show how much people listen to you when you are nice. If they wouldn’t listen to her she didn’t know why they expected the eleven and twelve year olds to listen when she told them that they had to go to school.
Up ahead was a group of kids. One of her uncles was a policeman who worked in this area. She had been raised with stories of his adventures. They may have been exaggerated but she wasn’t willing to risk it.
There was a woman standing in her doorway looking out at the street with the bored manor of someone with nothing better to do. Marie walked over to her.
“Excuse me,” she said once she was close enough. “Who are those kids?”
The woman looked her over for a moment and than gave a big smile as if she had weighed her up and found her to be someone very humorous. “You don’t have to worry about them,” she said. Marie blushed, she hadn’t meant for the woman to know why she was asking. Marie had been raised in a nice if sheltering home and had got long lectures as a little girl why she shouldn’t go into neighborhoods like this one.
“I didn’t mean that,” she said defensively causing the woman’s smile to broaden. “I asked who they were.”
“They’re just some kids who hang out here,” said the woman shrugging. “This neighborhood doesn’t get the gangs or thieves or anything like that these days. The one most likely to give you any trouble is Tom. He and Jenny come from deeper in.” She pointed out a couple of kids in the pack. “Victor comes from a wealthy family, who knows why he hangs out with them. Word is that he is one of the most scholarly boys his age. Still you wouldn’t think it to see him now.” The boy she pointed out was in the nicest clothing of the group; he was joking with a girl sitting on the curb.
Sherieka had been keeping quite for a while now. She liked to listen to other people conversations. Now she spoke up. “Hey guys we’re going to get company,” she said smiling.
The others looked around at her. “Who?” asked Sam.
“That girl over there,” she pointed to Marie who was still talking to the woman.
“How do you know?” asked her sister, Bishala.
“Because I actually listen to people unlike you. She was just asking about us. You should have heard what she said about you, Tom,” Sherieka said pushing the boy on her right a little. “The one most likely to give you trouble is Tom,” she said in a high-pitched voice.
“I never do anything. It’s all prejudice because I live deeper in. It’s not fair,” said a boy who was slightly taller than average, he looked liked perpetually tanned even though he had never been in direct sunlight and he had a beaky nose.
“That’s what we say when you cheat at everything we do. Your reply is always, life isn’t fair. So let me quote you, life isn’t fair.”
“Hey, I didn’t give you permission to quote me. I’ll have you in prison for copyright infringement.”
“You didn’t come up with it. The saying is hundreds of years old,” said Victor who had read it in a book that had been published right before the war.
“Besides you and I are neighbors and no one ever says that I’ll be trouble,” said Jenny.
“Psst, here she comes,” said Redena.
Marie was rather unnerved that suddenly the whole group of children turned to look at her. They continued to stare at her as she crossed the street. She put on a large smile as she neared them. “Hi,” she said cheerfully. Sherieka stepped forward; she was generally the spokesman for the group.
“Yes?” Sherieka asked deliberately.
“I’m recruiting for a new school.”
“Well then you’re in the wrong neighborhood. A few blocks down are the nice houses, that’s what you want,” said John who was slouching somewhere in the back.
“Oh no, this one is free.” Marie said hurriedly.
“Free?” asked Sherieka raising an eyebrow. “Must not be much of a school. I don’t trust free stuff, there’s always a catch.”
“No, no. This one is government funded.” She hadn’t known that there were children this cynical. They had futures as lawyers or something of that sort.
“So what does this school of yours teach?”
Marie hated this question. “Survival.” She said and waited for the reply. It varied from person to person but was never pleasant.
“Just where is this school?” asked Bishala.
“The surface.”
“The government must be insane,” said Sherieka flatly. “No one is going to go to this school.”
“Actually, it’s kind of mandatory.”
“What does mandatory mean?” asked Bishala.
“It means you have to go,” said her sister scowling at Marie. Sherieka had always liked words.
“What ages is the school for?” asked John.
“Ages eleven and twelve.” There were a few sighs of relief and a few groans. Some of the kids slipped away while the others looked jealously after them. The only ones who didn’t slip away, in fact, were the ones who thought that they wouldn’t get away with it. “Okay everyone line up and tell me your names and ages.” She saw the woman was still standing there in her doorway. “Hey, could you come over and tell me if any of these kids lie to me.” There was a little more grumbling.
Two people were able to sign after their names out of the group. The first one was Victor, which was to be expected. The other one was Sherieka. “You can read and write?” asked Marie surprised.
“I can only write my name and read a few really small words,” said Sherieka sullenly. She was not very happy about being forced into going to school without anyone asking her. She didn’t really think that she wanted to be away from her family for that long.
“All right,” said Marie once they were done. “I’ll see you at the new school tunnel on the twelfth. You will receive your school supplies. You may bring whatever you want with you but remember you will have to carry it who knows how far. Be warned, we now have your addresses, you don’t want us to come and drag you up to the school. If we do you won’t have time to pack.”
After she had gone a few of the people who had gone off slunk back. “You owe me Vicky,” said Sherieka to one of the girls. “I could have blown the whistle on you. You’re lucky, for once, to be so short, you could slip away easily.”
“I’m no shorter than you,” said Vicky sounding sulky.
“No you’re not; I would have joined you if I hadn’t put my self in the foreground already.”
“So are you guys actually going?”
“Don’t have much choice,” said Rasheika. Rasheika was not really well liked by her companions. There was something about her that made people instinctively take offense to what ever she said whether it was insulting or not. “She got our addresses and everything.”
“And you gave her your real addresses, couldn’t you have faked them?”
“She had old Mrs. Topper watching for her to tell her if we lied.”
“Hate to be you guys,” said Vicky shrugging. A few people glared at her, they didn’t mind her sneaking off. All of them would have done the same given the chance but rubbing it in their faces was going a bit far.
The meeting broke up after that, they had planned to go down to the market together but they decided to go straight home. They all had family to tell the bad news to. Needless to say there were a lot of unhappy parents. It wasn’t just that their children were being carried away from them for two years but also the problem of getting along without them. After a certain age kids were expected to do their fair share around the house and that labor would be missed. Some of the kids already had jobs that they would be giving up so the household net income would decrease. All in all most of the parents agreed with their children that their governments were led by a bunch of idiots.
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Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 12:48 pm
Hmmm this is a LOT better than it was a few years ago but it still needs work it seems almost like your starting in the middle of a story maybe you should do a small introduction then again maybe im wrong...i usually am...
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~Lady~ ~Luna~ Vice Captain
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princess_Im_bored Captain
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 9:16 pm
No, you're right, this would be a very bad begaining but this isn't the start of the story it's just where I introduce the charictors. There's some stuff before this part.
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 4:50 pm
This looks like good work. I enjoyed it and was curious, but also saw somethings I would do different, but nothing serious. It would help alot if you would space out your paragraphs. It takes time, but is gobs easier to read.
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princess_Im_bored Captain
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Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 4:08 pm
Thanks, i'm glad you liked it, I know I'm really lazy when it comes to formatting.
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