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 Posted: Tue Jun 06, 2006 10:33 pm
-If by any chance someone doesn't like the title, I'm sorry, but that's just how it seems like right now-
There's a possibility that this may be rather long in explanation:
I'm here primarily for your opinion in whether you consider I'm either in the wrong or in the right about this. (or somewhere in the middle, so be it.) In order for this story to make some sense, I'll start off from the beginning.
I'm not sure how to word it or how go to along this story, but in the beginning, starting off in high school, my 'friend' Katie and I had been really close, from eleventh grade. We always joked about things, either taking cracks at each other or just at ourselves, obviously excluding taking cracks at others, since that's a gimme.
If I recall correctly, there wasn't anything we weren't afraid to actually kid about with each other. We constantly said something about our weight, which probably didn't help with our self esteem, we made fun of the mistakes we made and so forth.
It's been three years since we first became friends and so here is where my problem has finally decided to test the friendship that I once thought was strong.
We're no longer in high school, we hardly see one another, and we mostly talk through either instant messengers or on the phone, occasionally seeing each other when I drive up to see her. No big deal right? Sure, it practically was no big deal.
On Friday, June 2 of 2006, I did go and hang out with my friend Katie to meet her new interest, Derek. It's kind of like a ritual between us to meet one another's love interests. I drove up, they got in the car, and we drove off.
Not making much sense here as to my problem am I? How is this suppose to affect friendship? Is it another one of those typical two girls caught up with one guy thing? Are we fighting to get the attention of that one special man? Love Triangle? Or is it that I don't happen to like him and don't approve of her wanting to go out with him?
No, it's not even remotely close to that and it's far from a typical "guy" problem.
Rather, it was more along the lines of a car accident that is throwing us apart.
That's right, a car accident.
I was heading down a road I wasn't familiar with but Katie knew a little bit, at least knowing where it ended up. I didn't realize that the speed limit was only 45mph and I was going 55mph.
There was a corner.
The speed factor was too fast.
There were skid marks.
There was my car, smashed into a guard rail located right at the very edge of a bridge. If it wasn't for that guard rail, I would have driven right off of that bridge and into the rocks below.
Fortunately the car still did run and no one was hurt. There were dents of course, I manage to just "graze" the side of my car so it didn't have a head on collision with the guard rail. I did however, still hit it pretty hard and my car bounce and slammed sideways into the metal, causing pretty good dents in the passenger's side.
I laughed about it, glad that everyone was okay, and in some sort of way, knew I was in some sort of shock, but played it off as nothing but a thrill ride.
Now with the accident in mind, let's begin where this friendship of mine begins to shatter.
That very night, after dropping both Katie and Derek off, having time to think to myself, "Just what the hell have I done?" I really began to get affected by the crash. It was like getting hit with a ton of bricks...that's just how hard reality hit me.
I seriously screwed up. If that guard rail wasn't there or if it hadn't held out like it did, I could have killed not only myself, but killed two other people in the process. If it were myself, it doesn't feel that big of a deal since I was stupid enough to not pay attention. But if it were to have seriously hurt either Katie or Derek....I would have felt horrible for the rest of my life. It would have been all my fault. No one else to blame but me.
Upon realizing that it completely shook me up. I never had once faced the responsibility, let alone thought that just one fraction of a wrong decision is going to cost someone else other than me, a life. I knew a car is a deadly weapon but like that of a teenage mind, I never thought something like that would happen to me.
I told Katie that I was not happy with myself over messenger that very night. I told her that specifically that nothing about that accident was no longer funny to me and it just bothered me so much that I had carelessly almost threw our lives out the window...
...and the very next day we talked again.
...and she kept kidding around and throwing into my face, "At least I didn't hit/drive into a guard rail". Honest to god, that hurt like hell, it made me cry and it made me angry as hell. I wanted to just lash out at her with something, but inside I knew I had to stop the conversation before I did actually say something I would regret. So I said I was tired, said goodbye, and signed off.
Three years of friendship and I held my tongue so I wouldn't screw it up. I know I could have asked her to stop mentioning it or saying it like that, but I'm unable to actually just ask when I'm irritated, I just lash out and face the consiquences later. For once, I thought I made a good choice.
...unfortunately, it wasn't.
Eventually the subject was breeched again and when I was calmed down, I told her straight forward that I just didn't find it funny. I explained to her that signing off the other night that I was preventing myself from saying anything hurtful to her. Except...she doesn't seem to understand my way of thinking and all she said to me now is that I'm "too serious", that we use to be able to joke about anything.
How can I joke about something when I nearly cost people their lives?! I was hit with reality of that and I can't laugh at the fact that I also have to pay for the damages!
I didn't yell at her, I tried to explain the fact of what was going through my mind and that I'm actually beginning to realize the responsibilities of being an adult is. I don't find things funny like I once did. I told her that I was changing and that there was no turning back for me. I wasn't about to apologize that I am changing, it's life.
Yet...she tells me now she's afraid to talk to me and that I somehow managed to start treating her like s**t, like I'm taking it out on my friends.
I honestly don't understand how she came to that conclusion when I told her I tried not to lash out at her and that I was trying to explain what was going on in my head. Not once did I insult her and yet she throws in my face that I'm taking it out on my friends and that I'm treating my best friend like s**t.
It frustrates me and hurts me at the same time.
We haven't talked since Monday when I finally admitted that I had been slightly irked with her...
Maybe my feelings on this subject are in the wrong, maybe they're not. But I'm not going to apologize for how I feel and I'm not going to apologize for something that I'm being accused of when looking back I don't see where she's getting it from.
I read the conversations on Yahoo and I don't see once where I told her anything that would actually be solid evidence that I'm treating her like s**t.
::sighs::
I know this is long and I appreciate all of you who did manage to read through the entire thing. I guess maybe it really isn't some sort of thing asking for help...maybe it's more like I needed to get this off my chest before I really begin to hurt. So far I know I've cried over this....and I'm not sure how much more I can take.
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Posted: Tue Jun 06, 2006 10:52 pm
you didnt do anything wrong honestly
shes over reacting and acting immature while your realizing the seriousness of this whole thing while shes trying to pretend nothing happened and that your treating her like s**t when u were doing the opposite u were trying to do the right thing and not lash out at her thats not right my suggestion is u need to just forget her
she doesnt care what you do or say..
i hope that helps..
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Posted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 12:23 am
It doesn't seem like you are in the wrong, but if you want this tiffy/misunderstanding to be over, you can apologize.
What for? Who knows, but people usually seem to appreciate it.
It's not your fault that you are maturing at a faster rate than she is, but that's life.
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Posted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 12:28 am
There is no wrong person in this. . . .
You are not wrong, you tried to explain your feeling but your friend didnt take you seriusrly.
Your friend is not wrong, she was not driving, therefore she cant reallyunderstand your feeling. She probably hasnt thought about what could have happened. Though she should probably be more respectful of your feelings.
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Posted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 8:06 am
Thanks everyone who answered.
I've actually been fighting myself as to whether or not to keep the friendship going.
I know we've been best friends for three years, but it just seems that if our difference in maturity keep up like this, there will be no more friendship.
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 4:19 pm
I read this a while before, but didn't comment not knowing what to say.
Yet again, i've come to that. I have no clue what to do. = Sorry.
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Posted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 10:46 am
It's alright Silver.
For the most part, I know I've got to figure it out on my own and just see what happens from then on.
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 8:59 am
Anissu, you have done nothing wrong.What you have shown is maturity in the situation, and despite how much you love your friend she is showing immaturity for not understanding your reasoning.Don't fret over it hun.You did the right thing.
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 4:03 pm
I actually talked with her and she admitted that she knew I was growing up and it scared her...she didn't want to be left behind.
We're now talking again and just basically discussing what's going on with us and how the changes in us will affect our friendship. But it's all going good again.
I wanted to give up and just make her one of my past friends...but I decided not to throw three years away like that.
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