The letter arrived one day - randomly, as these things did - and made itself known as these things also did.

The seal on the outside that had dispatched it to its magical destination was that of a heraldic rat in some sort of death throes, its paroxysm stamped onto a sheet of unremarkable sketchbook paper in acrylic paint, the page folded around the letter within, accompanied by a little, tiny line of text: for your eyes only. It was a grim little thing, in marked contrast to the writing: angular, stylish, the capitalization and punctuation seemingly chosen for aesthetic value rather than by any rules of grammar - the sort of writing you’d expect from someone who had done a lot of graffiti at some point in his life - and in chisel tip markers that irregularly swapped colors, as if the writer had grown bored of looking at one and opted for another at random, giving it a festive, almost childish sort of air.

Ilmarë (it ran) -

I took the liberty of googling your name and can only hope i got this right. I guess if i didn’t it’s OK and wont be the first time i wrote down a bunch of s**t for no reason other than to kill a half hour and waste ink. Everyone’s got some kinda fondness for hearing themselves talk i guess -

been thinking about you a lot - you know how it goes - and keep running around in circles about what to say.

I worry about staying safe - if you want me to talk more clearly - you know that website where people do the missed connections thing across the city - just put in a little note about what you’re saving to give to me and i’ll send another - i’ll see it and know it - you dont have to put anything more than that. But only if you want to. I have some stuff i think you should hear if its not too late to hear it - but i dont know -

Not always sleeping so hot nowadays, probably because i’m sleeping so hot - ******** broiling in this city - but sleeping better than i was, still - so that holds -

always feels like something’s just about to happen and doesn’t, you know? - anyway - let me know if i can send you another - i’ll speak more to the purpose - thanks for talking to me about recruitment, it was a lot to think about and i have a lot more to say if i can trust it’s for your eyes only - you know how it is feeling watched all the time like you can’t say anything you wanna say for fear that someone else is gonna intercept it - but i do want to talk to you about it some more, you raised some good points -

Anyway - in the missed connections thing - anonymous - if you want

No pressure

Maus



The follow-up missive arrives in much the same style as the first, although the margins are considerably more doodled-in (with little mice and rats, mostly, in an angular, energetic style, alongside some sprays of flowers), suggesting that it had involved a lot more idle hands and contemplation between paragraphs.

Ilmarë (thank god i spelled that right hell yeah) -

not gonna lie, was hoping to hear from you more directly - but i'm not here to lecture you, don't worry - i guess if anything it gives me an opportunity to avoid feeling bad later by saying everything now that i would regret not saying later - nothing major just advice type stuff. gave me an excuse to read the missed connections page, though, that place is a ******** trip!!

feels weird to be in a position to give advice, gotta say i'm not usually great at that sort of things, but i guess experience is the best teacher and you can benefit from mine - speaking of which im glad as hell you got what i was getting at in the last one, i was worried you'd get your mail intercepted or something and was trying to give you an out. ******** sucks being so paranoid all the time, doesn't it? i dont remember it but when i came over apparently i told the girl who helped me out that it was the worst ******** thing. i dont know if that was true, maybe it was, but if it wasn't the worst it was up there

speaking of the not remembering, i guess that's what i want to say - i dont know how it works - seems to be different for everyone - i think i got hit pretty hard by the men in black beam when i came over but i had some kinda unusual circumstances that i dont think most people do, so i blame myself for that - but i thought i'd tell you that i'm sure you already know it but just in case it's a good idea to leave yourself some documentation and all that s**t you need to get a leg up when you're on the other side - maybe a storage unit or something for a month, idk - i didn't have much when i came over but cash which helped me move light but meant i had to buy a ******** ton of stuff.

but like you already thought of all that i know so really what i wanted to say was that when you get to the part where you're talking to your future self - don't leave stuff out because you don't wanna remember it - the hole where the knowledge goes ******** sucks, and idk if youre thinking about it but if you are don't do it. i think i thought i was doing myself a favor and i really wasn't. I hate when people are like "be true to yourself" and all that ******** bullshit but at least be true AT yourself, i guess. like, be real clear

anyway im not here to give you some stupid sob story - i'm happy here - i really am - happier than i could ever have been on the other side - but i know that it was that fear of forgetting that kept me out of s**t for so long - and i guess it's rough, sometimes, but it's worth it a thousand times over. it's the best price I've ever paid for anything, and one time i found a vintage barbour jacket with the tags still on for fifty cents at a yard sale. but I've been talking to a lot of those guys from space - the ones whose worlds got eat up with Chaos - and it's made me realize there's a lot ******** worse things than forgetting, and there's a lot worse ways to start over, and if they can do it, i had no excuse, you know what i mean? i hope you get to meet so many of them when you come over - it's kind of awful to know so much of what's lost and being eaten up under our feet but it's a gift, too, to be told about things that need remembering, and when you don't have much left of your own to remember it feels even more important. like maybe they made this big hole in my head so i can put in all the memories of a bunch of people who are gone, indirectly? this is getting too philosophical smile

anyway i know you told me your reasons for waiting and im not trying to say that you're lying, but just in case it wasn't all of them, or you didn't wanna touch it - but if that's not it then you can fully ignore everything i just said and i won't be offended. it's just been eating me up that maybe i could have said all this and helped you somehow and didn't do it and i'd rather say too much than not say enough -

anyway don't be a stranger. i mean that like literally, lol, don't be a stranger, no matter what ends up happening. when you're here, find me. maybe you'll still have this letter. even if you don't remember me i'll remember you and i love making friends so worst case scenario i get to make a friend out of you twice. we'll go dancing or something - but you mentioned clove cigarettes so you probably listen to Bauhaus or something and I've never been much good at that kinda dancing - but you can put me in some black and i'll figure it out. maybe give me some of those boots with the cunty little heels that the old goth guys wear, i think i'm old enough even if the mustache harshes the vibe a lot

i got faith in you still, and that crossfire offer still stands, ok? for as long as it needs to

maus

ps i quit smoking again but i'm waiting for the day i throw in the towel again so if i'm gonna hurry you up at all it's because i want that smoke. Nicorette is some vile s**t and i'm mad about how much it's helping.