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 Posted: Mon Jul 03, 2023 12:21 pm
Hey All. I'm not sure if anyone checks this subforum. If not it's fine with me that this post turns into a rant to the void with no responses. It might just become the place I post when feeling partiularly down over everything I've lost this past year.
My father died from his dementia while in hospice care on the 22nd of July last year. I was not able to be at my father's side at his death because I had no child care from my husband leaving me/our child to go be with his affair partner at her house - a place he said he would never go. I don't know why my soon to be ex decided that my father's decline/death was the time he needed to go off and destroy our family, but it is what it is.
My grief is complicated. I haven't had a chance to really let go and feel for the loss of my dad because I've been single parenting since my soon to be ex left us a year ago. I can't allow myself to break down while taking care of my five year old because I have to be the sane parent as my son grieves the loss of his family as he knew it. I've been fighting a legal battle worrying on my future because I'm divorcing my husband- which means I grieve the marriage, stability, and best friend I thought I had. My mother makes it all worse, but that probably requires a stress dumping post in the life issues section all on its own.
I miss my father so much. There are times I forget he's gone and I pick up the phone thinking to call him/tell him what I'm up to and it all comes rushing back.
I am scheduled to work on the Anniversary of his death. It's a good thing as that won't allow me to wallow the whole day.
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Posted: Wed Sep 20, 2023 6:42 am
It's been two months since I posted in grief, so it's probably good time to let loose some of it now. Yesterday was a hard day for my grief as I'm finally divorced and going through the second year of not having my father. I've found myself making autumn treats for my son that my father used to make for me. They're nothing special or hard to make, but we both enjoy eating them. I am farther behind in grieving my dad than my sister is because my Ex husband kept finding new ways to make everything about him. My ex went from being a super supportive best friend before we married - someone I thought would be there for me no matter what - to stonewalling me at every turn and only focusing on himself.
I grieve the loss of stability I had, but am glad that I/my son are OK on our own so far. I fear what mediation will look like in November because my ex has made it clear he is not thinking about our son's safety or stability. The Ex made sure to get mediation scheduled on a day I have to work. I do contract work, my schedule is always the same. He chose the one day of the week he knew would cost me the most to show up. The ex does not have custody of our child, does none of the parenting, yet he's demanding everything I and Arthur have in the divorce. My ex lives with his parents who are taking care of his every need, and he's been there ever since our separation. He has his mother pick up his medicines and talk with his lawyer. The ex complains about how hard his life is, and accuses me of having pissing contests with him on who is worse off if I bluntly tell him I have a cold or am ill so please stay away. The ex is now gatekeeping communications between parent's of our son's classmates, not letting me see if our kid has invites to parties and such. Yet the ex texts them as if he is the one with our child all the time - and as if we're still married! He pulled that off by putting his name/info down as one of the people to contact in our son's school list despite having NO custody.
Thankfully I do not have to interact with the ex often. Some days I do not see or talk to him at all. If I am the one supervising the visitation he usually refuses to interact with me -accusing me of being scary to be around. Despite me being scary the ex refuses to have the visitation more often at his parent's house because then the ex isn't the center of our son's attention.
My father would be so angry with my ex. He viewed my ex as the son he never had. For the ex to leave his wife and child for a coworker right when my father died - then demanding I fix the marriage he continued to break - ...I have so many words but would just be repeating myself in the grief, horror, abandonment, and betrayal.
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Posted: Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:23 am
Wow...in the worst possible way. You're clearly dealing with a lot. I hope you have good counsel for the upcoming mediation and I wish you the absolute best. emotion_hug
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Posted: Thu Sep 28, 2023 1:39 pm
Lycanthropos Wow...in the worst possible way. You're clearly dealing with a lot. I hope you have good counsel for the upcoming mediation and I wish you the absolute best. emotion_hug Thank you! This week has been better than previous ones. My son and I are getting a good routine of things we do together in place and my Ex is not involved in anything that requires real parenting. Being divorced has brought a lot of closure to me when it comes to the ex's antics, and mediation will let me know where I stand when it comes to future years. I've been so afraid for over a year on housing, income, and my child's safety that just having the outcome be in sight is a relief - even if I don't know if I'll get to keep our home in mediation.
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Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2023 2:47 pm
I went to my first family reunion -for my mother's side - since the divorce and my father's death. It was comforting to be surrounded by cousins who I've not been able to be around for years due to Covid. It was even better not feeling like I had to take care of my Ex who would have been finding ways to be "anxious" around everyone while looking down on the way my family interacts. It was freeing to see my child be able to run with 2nd cousins older and younger than him without having my ex scoff at how we play, acting like our interests are quaint/not deep, and finding subtle ways to put things down because we don't sit there and philosophize on random politics/histororical figures and theories that haven't been alive for over a hundred years. In this way, divorce is relieving as I don't have someone insulting my intelligence or interests while acting like his is so superior.
It was also bittersweet. There were photos of my dad up in the family tree where he was young and healthy. A song that was played at my father's funeral (a song from his wedding to my mom) began playing as we were eating, so that was a bit of a gut punch. They took a picture of the blood relations, then had a photo of all inlaws. I wished so hard that my dad could have been standing in that photo. If he was there you would have heard his laugh as it was loud and carried long distances. My dad was also more mischievous around mom's realtives as he knew them when they were in their 20's, so I usually got to see another side of him at these events that he'd hide while being Dad.
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Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2023 3:38 pm
Celene Evans I went to my first family reunion -for my mother's side - since the divorce and my father's death. It was comforting to be surrounded by cousins who I've not been able to be around for years due to Covid. It was even better not feeling like I had to take care of my Ex who would have been finding ways to be "anxious" around everyone while looking down on the way my family interacts. It was freeing to see my child be able to run with 2nd cousins older and younger than him without having my ex scoff at how we play, acting like our interests are quaint/not deep, and finding subtle ways to put things down because we don't sit there and philosophize on random politics/histororical figures and theories that haven't been alive for over a hundred years. In this way, divorce is relieving as I don't have someone insulting my intelligence or interests while acting like his is so superior. It was also bittersweet. There were photos of my dad up in the family tree where he was young and healthy. A song that was played at my father's funeral (a song from his wedding to my mom) began playing as we were eating, so that was a bit of a gut punch. They took a picture of the blood relations, then had a photo of all inlaws. I wished so hard that my dad could have been standing in that photo. If he was there you would have heard his laugh as it was loud and carried long distances. My dad was also more mischievous around mom's realtives as he knew them when they were in their 20's, so I usually got to see another side of him at these events that he'd hide while being Dad.
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Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2023 10:43 am
This time of year is always hard for me because of all the things my dad and I used to do. Halloween is tomorrow. My dad used to take me trick or treating when I was a child, but there is no real place I can take my child to trick or treat in the neighborhood other than special events. I ended up going to the Ren fest for their special trick or treat day with my boy. We played a few games, rode some rides, watched a joust, and enjoyed the food. My dad would have loved watching us at the paint ball game -with me teaching my son to shoot like my father taught me. Dad also enjoyed the Renfest and took me the first year it opened in 1994. We did not invite my ex this year to go to this event as it was something to celebrate my birthday, and he's shown he either shows up late or not at all to events.
Speaking of which, my ex did not show up for the local trick or treat event that I'd arranged for him to get to enjoy with our son. I took the lad by myself as I'd promised my son he'd get to go.
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Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2023 1:51 pm
It's hard missing someone you thought you had. But it sounds like you had to miss a person you'd hoped he was or would turn out to be with the ex and I'm so sorry because I've seen that with my mom and walked that road a bit myself. I can't imagine the strength it takes to keep life normal for the kiddo but hopefully that's the drive that keeps ya going I'd imagine.
You deserve good things. I sincerly hope you see better times where its not as hard to be happy. The past seems to creep up worst during the holidays I know but hopefully new memories and traditions can eventually put the old hurts on a backburner at least. My heart goes out to you. Your kid sounds very lucky to have you. heart
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Professional Conversationalist
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Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2023 6:32 am
Rydia-Beck aka Lillea It's hard missing someone you thought you had. But it sounds like you had to miss a person you'd hoped he was or would turn out to be with the ex and I'm so sorry because I've seen that with my mom and walked that road a bit myself. I can't imagine the strength it takes to keep life normal for the kiddo but hopefully that's the drive that keeps ya going I'd imagine.
You deserve good things. I sincerly hope you see better times where its not as hard to be happy. The past seems to creep up worst during the holidays I know but hopefully new memories and traditions can eventually put the old hurts on a backburner at least. My heart goes out to you. Your kid sounds very lucky to have you. heart With the ex it's definitely missing what I thought I had and the dream of the future that we'd built together. It's also having 20+ years of my life tarnished because of the betrayal. Holidays are hard with the double whammy of loss. I feel lucky to have such a great kid. If there's anything I do not regret about my marriage it's my little boy. We're making some of our own traditions to celebrate holidays. My ex inlaws are pretty awesome too. They treat me the same way they always have and still include me in a lot of events. I feel you with not having the mom you thought or wished you had. Mine seems to be competing with me in the pain olympics for "who has it worse" as she keeps saying her loss of my dad is way worse than my loss of the ex cheating/leaving me and our child. No one is making the comparison but my mother. She's always been this way where she feels she has to be better than me, yet dealing with more than me. I can't have things that are better than hers. She gets upset when animals (i.e. my pets) like me more than her. All of this yet she also expects me to act like her parent and take care of her. I am the youngest child of two. My elder sister is the golden child who can do no wrong while I am the scapegoat that gets blamed for things I did not do/do not know. My mother gets jealous when my sister wants to spend time with me/do things with me and not her. Mom has treated me like this since I was at least 8 years old. I could probably make a different grief thread all about the shenanigans my mother has pulled and continues to pull over the years. Moving out made me very happy.
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Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2023 8:07 am
Oh i cant complain about my mom she's the strongest woman I know but she too went through relationships when she was younger trying to find a good husband and father and they all turned out to be toads instead of princes. She gave up and stayed single now and has been for a long time me and my brother and her have a house together and take care of eachother. We drive eachother nuts but I have a good relationship with my mother that I'm thankful for.
My father on the other hand. He's passed but it was difficult to make a peace with him a couple years b4 he passed as we'd been etranged a few years b4 that over a family fued and property. I dont have any ties to my father's side of the family, they're not good folks. they have money and look ok from the outside but rotten inside ya know? Mom's side are a lil damaged and we all scrape by money wise but better more honest ppl. Now teh competing thing my dad was bad for. Any attn spared for teh kids by his mother or mine would cause issue sometimes. He wanted all teh games and toys. We could play with them eventually though. Definitely got even more jealous as my brother grew up too and became his own man. again we made a peace years b4 the end but he didn't deserve it. it was for our sakes that I brokered a peace with him for my brother and I. Since we coudlnt speak with our grandmother until we did. I guess it was for the best in the end. Can't choose your family that's for sure. Don't have to condone their behavior either though.
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Professional Conversationalist
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Posted: Wed Nov 08, 2023 5:58 am
Rydia-Beck aka Lillea Oh i cant complain about my mom she's the strongest woman I know but she too went through relationships when she was younger trying to find a good husband and father and they all turned out to be toads instead of princes. She gave up and stayed single now and has been for a long time me and my brother and her have a house together and take care of eachother. We drive eachother nuts but I have a good relationship with my mother that I'm thankful for.
My father on the other hand. He's passed but it was difficult to make a peace with him a couple years b4 he passed as we'd been etranged a few years b4 that over a family fued and property. I dont have any ties to my father's side of the family, they're not good folks. they have money and look ok from the outside but rotten inside ya know? Mom's side are a lil damaged and we all scrape by money wise but better more honest ppl. Now teh competing thing my dad was bad for. Any attn spared for teh kids by his mother or mine would cause issue sometimes. He wanted all teh games and toys. We could play with them eventually though. Definitely got even more jealous as my brother grew up too and became his own man. again we made a peace years b4 the end but he didn't deserve it. it was for our sakes that I brokered a peace with him for my brother and I. Since we coudlnt speak with our grandmother until we did. I guess it was for the best in the end. Can't choose your family that's for sure. Don't have to condone their behavior either though. That's a truth I'm having to teach my son. You didn't get do choose them, can love them, but not like their behavior. It makes the grief harder to get over when you have family - who are supposed to support you - acting as if they are the ones hurt by what's going on in your life. I've facepalmed many times as I've come to the realization that my ex husband has a lot of the same behaviors of my mother. Constantly acting like I've abandoned them, refusing to say what they want/expecting you to read their minds then getting angry you don't know what they want, being upset if you emote on something happening to you-but THEY'RE allowed to be upset about it, acting like their experience of your problem is FAR WORSE than what you're going through, expecting me to drop everything to do something and if I don't it embarrasses them...the list is very long. I'm in therapy from it in the hopes I don't make this mistake again. It's good on your mom that she didn't stay with the toads. Better to be single than fold yourself into something you're not to make someone else happy. I get what you mean by the looking good on the outside but rotten inside with some family members. The need to look/be perfect while ignoring the damage that's being caused is infuriating. In a slight bit of irony, this is probably why my son and I gravitate towards a lot of pixar movies. Many of the movies have that perfection being shoved on characters -who try to make things work to be accepted for being themselves.
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