Welcome to Gaia! ::

So this is a bit of a lengthy confession, but the guilt of how I acted a long time ago still creeps up on me to this day. And it is a bit anxiety-inducing when the occasional memory flares up.

It was over a decade ago now that I began college at a big state university.

Being gay in the South, and having never had the opportunity to date under my family's roof, I was excited at the prospect of finding a partner while there. Well, more afraid of not finding one, more like. I knew college was going to be the best opportunity I had to mingle with others my age.

I met someone on a dating site who was on the campus. Man, from the first moment I saw him at the coffee shop we met at, I was floored, intensely infatuated. But I was nervous, lacking in self-confidence, lacking in friends and hobbies. All this to say, I believe it made me prone to being a bit desperate and clingy.

By the third date, I was at his place and things got spicy. I didn't know the first thing about a relationship, what a date involved, how to build something substantial. Before I knew it, I had just become someone's friend with benefits. At any hour of the night, if I got a text from him, I would race over to his place from my dorm on bike to his apartment.

And then one day, the messages stopped. He had lost interest. I had not. My memory gets blurry here, but I gradually became absolutely fixated on him to an unhealthy degree. Constant lovesick messages sent. I found it hard to focus on my classes. Eventually there was the threat of a restraining order, which would make continuing my education difficult.

I really was putting forth the effort to get better, to move on. I was trying to work out on a schedule. Swimming and running always helped get my mind off things. One unfortunate day, I was walking from my place to the gym and I happened to walk across him. No big deal, I didn't say anything, it was just a coincidence. So, I worked out but on my way back...I somehow managed to walk across him again. I was not in the state of mind to be prepared for that...I let out a loud apology without thinking. The response was a quick icy glare, followed by a police call an hour later. |

The worst part about it all, as there is no closure, so any sort of apology or forgiveness is eternally impossible. I'm mortified by the way I acted, I really had become a cyber stalker.

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I'm in a much better place now. I would eventually meet my now-husband and through him make many friends. Through one of those friends, I would even discover my career path, massage therapy. I would learn about touch starvation, where anyone can go slightly crazy when they're lacking in physical touch - something that probably compounded my mental state a long time ago.

Just now saw this ~

I'm good now!

I do appreciate the concern, thanks.

I've grown up a whole lot since then. I have a husband, a husky, a house, and a career I like, so there's nothing to worry about. I just get an occasional pang of guilt about it maybe once a year now. Usually just talking and writing about it helps.

I want to back up a bit and try to pinpoint how I mentally got there. I attended a local state college before my time at that University. While I was there, the theatre stage was my life. I was fortunate to be cast in four productions, three of which I was a main character. For a brief two years, I felt like a local celebrity because all the students recognized me across campus.

And then suddenly, I was at a huge University hours away from home. All the friends I had made disappeared to their own university. All the social structure that came with my theatre life ended, and I was thrust into this great world full of strangers.

And so, I believe when I met the guy, I was desperate for sense of stability. And I latched on to him like a non-swimmer on a lifeguard.