"This feels weird."
His voice was barely a whisper, and shaky, his hands deftly trying to push Luka away from him. Yuura could hardly focus, his eyes were so glassy. His head was foggy too, having drank himself into a drunken stupor. Luka didn't have the slightest idea how to comfort Yuura, nor the desire, but Kin had seemed so tired, as if he hadn't slept since Yuura lost his father, "Do you think I want to touch you at all?"
Luka's eyes were glossed over as well, though with something Yuura could tell was desire if he were brave enough to stare into violet, but he was trying to do the perfect impression of a ball, curling into himself against the side of the couch, "Then stop." There was enough room on the couch for him to be at least two spaces away.. But still, he felt Luka up against his side, running his hands up and down the side of his leg, face so close to the back of his head he could fee his breath on his shoulder.
"I hate that you make me feel like this. I don't even like you," His voice was soft, but he sounded so angry, and Yuura stayed put, heart racing in his chest as he felt too scared to even blink, "I'm not like your precious boyfriend. I don't think you're attractive at all like so many people do, but I can't help throwing myself at you, just like they do."
"You're worse," he choked, correcting himself quickly, "I-I should go to bed. I'm sure Kin won't wake if I'm quiet."
"You're right about that. He won't. If you're quiet. So be quiet. I hate hearing your voice anyway." He felt those hands on his face, grabbing him and making him face toward violet eyes. What was stopping him from screaming? Running back there? It wasn't like Luka was much stronger than he was, and he hadn't made any threats so far, but it was as if he didn't need to at all. He was already going through different scenarios in his head, as Luka stared down at him, "I bet he can't help himself, either. Compelled to do whatever you ask because the desire to have you is just too strong to ******** control himself. Who would want to be with someone like you if you didn't have this...effect on people?"
That struck a chord, his heart sinking into his stomach as he felt himself ease-- much because of the alcohol-- to Luka's will, "I haven't done anything. He loves me."
"Haven't done anything? You've been flirting with me since he left me out here. Don't even give me that. Who else have you been with behind his back, huh?"
Yuura's eyes instantly welled with tears, and he began to sob in Luka's hands, "I have never."
All Luka could feel was disgust, but he pulled the salmon-haired male in for a kiss, fighting the shoving he would feel against his shoulders. It would start off strong, pushing and punching, until he would grab Yuura's wrists and hold him there. His body, though, would twist, putting up a fight until he was using his entire body to hold him down. The only thing Luka felt was the shivering body below him, shaking with fear and tears, and still he couldn't help himself. He felt as if he were intoxicated. He'd always had this attraction to Yuura that he hated himself for, wanting to ******** him, even knowing it was Kin he was in love with. Even knowing he didn't like Yuura. Even knowing he wanted him gone more than anything.
"Please," Yuura begged, "he could come out here, Luka, you don't have to do this. If you just stop.. If you just stop, I-I won't tell...anyone."
"You won't remember, anyway. How drunk are you?" He grinned, and tugged on the pink hair twisted in his fingers, "Now quit talking."
-----
The next morning would come with answered prayers. Yuura was nowhere to be found, and he could finally think for himself. Felt like he could breathe. He cleaned up the table, and the couch, and himself. Kin was still sound asleep by the time he left, and guilt had started to seep in.
Yuura left after Luka fell asleep, terrified to make any kind of run for it until then, and getting into bed with Kin was definitely out of the question. He felt...like his whole body was covered in a layer of filth; sober, but as if he were walking in a dream. It had been so different from when Kin had touched him... It didn't hurt like this when Kin was inside of him. Luka had been so angry... He clung to his boyfriend's sweater, wanting to disappear inside it, and feeling so stupidly secure within it, but so ashamed, as if he weren't fit to wear it anymore. It smelled just like Kin. He began to sob again, eyes sore from the crying. Yuura barely stopped crying about his dad, only to fall back into the blackness.. The house was dark. Empty. Haunted by memories. He let himself in, and looked up the stairs at the study where he found his father only a month before, his heart clenching in his chest even more painfully, if that were even possible. Why did he come back here? He knew the pain that waited for him here: Yuura hadn't been back since his father passed... All he wanted to do was scream. How could one person hurt this badly? Was this how his father had felt when he decided to end it all...? That death would be a welcome silence?
Yuura would ease himself off of the floor, peeling his eyes off the study door long enough to get to his feet and text Kin to let him know he was relieved of duty: I'm back home, don't worry. And find himself in a bath shortly after. There were none of the usual noises of the house. None of his mother's music. None of his father's news on the tv. No clanking in the kitchen, or laughter from the front room. He laid there, in red-stained water, staring at the door, as if waiting to hear a knock, or even a voice.
...he knew the affect he had on people. Was it possible that...everything Luka had said was true? That perhaps...as victimized as he felt..maybe... It was his fault that Luka couldn't keep to himself. Yuura had seen it happen before, but Kin had always been there to keep others away. Had always been his protector, until he couldn't be anymore. Yuura was too needy, with the loss he suffered, putting too much stress on his boyfriend, on their relationship, because he couldn't suck it up, and now... Now, as he stared down at the top of his thigh, blood oozing out of the wound, he felt nothing for the first time in those last weeks. Numb. And in the following weeks, it would be much the same constant. He would hide the scars if he needed to, by asking the lights to be turned out, when alone with Kin, or keeping his clothes on, or simply by turning his body away. The same words in a loop played over and over in his head. The strain of doubt there, and obvious, now that it had been pointed out by Luka.
"All I'm saying is we should keep an open mind."
"You want to sleep with other people. That's a little more than keeping an open mind." Kin shook his head.
He was being easy on Yuura, surely, because he knew he had to be treated delicately after the loss, but in his numbness, Yuura spoke very emotionlessly, "Gabriel offered to pass one of the songs I wrote on to a couple of his celebrity friends. Gabriel is my music instructor's--"
"He's the guy who wants to sleep with my boyfriend."
He thought back to the proposal. As filthy as he felt knowing Luka had soiled him, there was only a bit of shock when Gabriel grabbed Yuura's hand and brought it to the front of his own pants. At this point, if it truly were his only gift, and the only reason anyone would be with him, why not? "I know I can be a handful...and I feel that not only would this further my career...for us... But it would also give me someone else I could...you know...cry on their shoulder, so you don't have to work yourself to death, or call your shitty friend to come and watch me like some child."
Kin didn't seem to know where to begin answering that one, "That's bull. You aren't a handful, I was just tired that night I asked him to hang out with you. I could barely keep my eyes open, Othelle was working, and I didn't want you to be lonely."
The arguing felt pointless, but he still couldn't help not wanting to lose Kin, either. Even if he did blame him a little for what had happened that night, he still loved him, "Just forget it."
"...fine. If you...really think this is what you need to further your career, Yuura, fine."
"Wait, really?"
To be honest, Yuura had been hoping for more of a fight. Some kind of proof that... Kin really wanted to be with him. Not that he would....do whatever Yuura wanted, just because he couldn't help himself. ...not to prove Luka right.
"Yeah. I don't want to fight about it, Yuura. I don't want anything to jeopardize us getting married."
"Married?"
"Yes. Married. To me."
"No. No, I'm not getting married. Not to you. Not to anyone." He felt angry out of nowhere, stunned to hear those words from Kin at all after his own recent revelation.
"Oh.."
"Sorry, Kin."
No one was going to own him like that. He wouldn't wind up like his father. Not now that he knew what love could do to a person. That the love he thought he shared with Kin was never real like he thought it to be in the first place.
Not now that he knew he could use his gifts to his advantage.
