q u e s t i o n i n g e v e r y t h i n g

[thefooltook]

Richard walked into there loft apartment on the 7th floor in a huff. He dropped his large black portfolio onto the floor near the door as he leaned over to slip out of his dark purple converse shoes. The young man sat on the floor his hands over his mouth trying not to scream. Another day at the soul crushing design firm and Rich swore he was ready to give up art all together. When he started there he swore that he'd never take any marketing materiel he would work on personally. He couldn't do that this time. The digital artist had been given a project for some anti-LGBT posters for some hate group that had hired them. They never said no to anyone, and now he was paying the price. He had been working there for almost two years now. Now he wished he had never taken the job and continued to do his own work. He was stupid thinking that money was more important then the stuff he worked on. Richard hadn't even made his own art since college.

He had wondered over the last couple months if doing his degree in digital art was really what he wanted to do. Should he go back and finish up his degree in fine arts? He missed graffiti art, drawing and sculpting. Richard found himself barely at home, spending all his time in the office. Edward and him barely saw each-other, more like roommates then lovers. The red head couldn't even remember the last time they had gone to the movies, had a nice dinner or even had sex.

Being an adult was so complicated. Richard really wished they could be back in high school, and just have fun. Not have to worry about money and paying bills.

Hell, he knew he was having a serious panic attack to an empty apartment. Edward wouldn't be back home till late evening after he closed up at work. The red head wiped his tears grabbing up his portfolio and putting it in his office/art room. The skinny man removed his black cardigan throwing it on the back of one of the bar chairs in the kitchen, his white socks barely making noise on there grey wood floors. The shorter of the two men reached above the fridge grabbing one of the instant ramen cups from the top. Edward had always been the better cook, and Richard didn't have any energy to cook. After boiling water and pouring it inside he pulled down his red hair from the ponytail, the left side of his head was shaved, but he felt it looked more professional up.

He walked into his office, dropping off the ramen noddle cup, before walking into his bedroom. When the first moved in they were awestruck at the size and amount of bedrooms. They shared the biggest one together. A year ago he had moved into his own room, they're work schedules didn't mesh. Richard had always been a light sleeper, and Edward would often wake him when he got home. Cute at first, annoying now.

The pale man changed into a pair of black athletic pants with a white stripe down the side and a bright pink v-neck shirt. He grabbed a set of chop sticks before sitting down at his desk. He put on the large fuzzy bright purple headphones and started browsing the internet. Rich wanted to see how much it would cost to go back to school or if could find a job wouldn't continue to crush his soul. He secretly hoped that Edward would come home and ask him how his day was. The artist really needed to vent and could use a shoulder to cry on.

 

[thefooltook]

Richard Lee Diamond

Richard hadn't expected Edward to be home at all, so when he came home early he was very surprised. Probably just as surprised as Edward was about him being up. The man looked over at his black cellphone and saw that he had a text, but only because Edward had said something about it. He didn't even notice at all.

"I'm sorry I was so focused on my task, I didn't even hear it buzz. " he said nervously rubbing the shaved side of his head with his palm. " I'm doing an anti-LGBT poster at work.. I just.. I just... I can't work there anymore. It feels like I'm losing my artistic soul. I'm trying to find a studio job.. or maybe going back to work.. I just don't know... I need out."

The green eyed man rubbed his eyes, he was both tired and trying not to cry. Everything was falling apart. He knew that his and Edwards relationship was basically over, they were simply going through the motions. He hoped on some level if he found himself again, his true self, maybe he'd remember who was before he started working for a big design firm, then maybe he could remember why they fell in love. He would never be the guy they were when they met, a teenager in high school, but he could try to remember who he was in college. The care free guy who loved art more then anything.

" Don't worry about me.. I'll be fine.. If you need to get ready for work."He said drinking the rest of the liquid inside the ramen cup before tossing it in the trash can.

Richard had always been good at talking, but not about himself. That probably came from the fact that when he told his family that he was Bi, his father had been so against it, he told him to never talk about private matter with no one. He didn't want know anything about his son other then his good grades and if he was playing sports. His mother had been so accepting, his father had not. His sister, Mary was his best friend always, she knew everything about him and he knew everything about her. She was the only one he talked to besides Edward about everything. But after drifting apart, Richard talked to no one. He knew was unhealthy to keep it bottled up, but he didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone about his issues. Especially his personal issues.

Unfortunately, his current coping method was effecting his health. He barely ate for awhile, then would gorge himself on junk food which made him feel sick again and then it would start over. Changing jobs would hopefully change up the stress he felt everyday.

" I'm just gonna go down the gym anyway..."

 

[thefooltook]

Richard Lee Diamond

Richard looked up from the floor he had been staring at with his green now with red in them eyes at Edward. In all the distance and all the time they had been fighting, he had never once heard the dark haired man say he missed him. Not that Richard had either. Neither of them really spoke about the state of their relationship. Maybe it was time to try and fix what was broken. There was clearly something that could be fixed.

"Most of the design team knows I am dating and live with a man. The management doesn't though.. its none of their business if I am. The management takes any money for projects so they took it. Even when the Design Team said they didn't want it."

" You would change your plans for me? Miss work? I could really use a decent meal that isn't some instant crap...and someone to talk too... I just though I'd found a job I'd like and I would make some decent. But the money.. its not worth it.. I miss doing things because I like and that are fun. The feel of clay in my hands... not sitting in a cubicle.. "

In college Rich had done graffiti art around town, often dragging Edward with him. The rush of doing something illegal but beautiful. The sound of the spray can paint rubbing together in his backpack as he road down the side walk on his falling apart skateboard.

Now everyday he heard the sounds of cars on his commute to work. He had been a hippie for so long and now he had sold out to the man. He wore a bow tie to work and worked at a tiny desk. He drank coffee and gossiped about things around the office.

Richard didn't want that anymore. He wanted freedom from the man. The auburn man wanted freedom to create without strings attached from a client who want the job a certain way.

" I miss you too...Eddy..."

 

[thefooltook]

Richard Lee Diamond

Richard sighed in relief. " Thank you. I won't refuse anything doesn't require me throwing in the microwave to cook." he said small smile appearing on his face. Just the though of eating something other then some instant crap made him happy. Everyone had assumed because he was an artist that he was good at cooking too, that just wasn't true. The auburn haired man could decorate cookies, but Edward had always made them. His own short attention span meant that he often forgot about things cooking or baking. His mother had always made pretty bland food, so he had no sense of taste. Most of his childhood was spent eating casseroles. She had been a elementary school teacher, so most of her time was spent getting lesson plans done.

Talking... oh yeah. He had said he wanted to do that. Now he wasn't sure. Well, not sure, he knew he wanted to talk. But it made him feel uncomfortable. If you didn't talk about things no one would know.

" I know we really haven't been talking.. we have both been ignoring each other and what has gone on since I got this job. I don't wanna do that anymore. Its not a magical fix. I think we are worth fixing. Do you think we are worth fixing Eddy?"

Most couples would've broken up at this point, but him and Edward had been together so long it would be hard. They had both only ever lived with each other. There was so much tied into this relationship, it wouldn't ever be an easy break. Everything was in both their names.

" I've got a month and a half of vacation time saved. So after I quit.... I can get paid for that. So its not like I'll be completely broke. I'm gonna find a job before I quit though. I don't want us to move because of my poor planning.I probably won't be making as much. I know Professor Lorzeno said I could get a studio job at the campus anytime if I needed it."

 

[thefooltook]

Richard Lee Diamond

The red head looked at the man cooking his awesome and tasty smelling meal and crossed his arms. "Are you seriously going to start drinking right now? You know how you get when you drink. Confrontational and angry." he said huffing a little. Rich knew that most of their big fights started after Edward had too much to drink and lashed out. " I didn't kick you out of 'our' room. You stopped coming in because you came in late and always woke me up stumbling in loudly."

"Sure, I thought about leaving this relationship because I could see that you weren't happy and I wasn't happy. But you and I living together is the only thing I've ever done outside of living with my parents. It wasn't something I was going to choose to do willy nilly. It was never any easy discussion, and I was never going to make it without discussing it with you first. I'm not that selfish or that much of an a*****e, Edward. We've been avoiding each other...I know you've been picking up late shifts and extra shifts so you don't have see me. I'm not stupid."

Richard rubbed his head nervously. " I know you stay out late with friends... You come home smelling like the shampoo that isn't in our shower. I'm sure you told yourself that it was just you giving me space.. and then you just ignored me all together. Don't you dare just blame for what is wrong with our relationship. We both made mistakes." he said before sighing. " I want to fix it. Its not going to be easy. We're going to have to work on better communication between the two of us."

The artist was aware he was rambling, but he felt he needed to get it all out.
"If you don't wanna work on it, then there has been no point to venting my frustration in where we are emotionally right now."

Richard couldn't remember the last time he talked this much and that was probably the problem. He was very vocal outside the house, but inside alone, he was quiet. His father thought him to hide his emotions, and it was hard to break the habit. It was hard for him to talk up when something was bothering him. Till like now, he exploded and it all came rushing out. He promised himself he'd tell Edward things. But he bottled it all up. So he took responsibility for that part of the relationship failing.

 

[thefooltook]

Richard Lee Diamond

" You know I have loved you ever since we started dating. I just got my priorities mixed up. I thought being a successful adult was more important then anything else. Our relationship suffered because I was obsessed with being the perfect employee, and making money. Working on all the projects I hated, really centered me. I was working at a job I hated every day, and I lost myself in that. For that I apologize, Edward." He said letting his face sit in his open palms. "We're told that high school and college will teach us everything about life, then thrown out in the world and told we need succeed at everything."

Richard sighed at the fact that Edward was drinking again, but at this point it didn't seem to matter all that much. They were both already frustrated and there was no way that everything would magically fixed because of one heated argument/discussion. The artist was worried about Edward's habit of drinking, but that was a talk for another time. Talking when they were both already on edge was a bad time for him to bring it up.

" We can talk more later. I'm emailing Professor Lorzeno in the morning and seeing if that job is still available, if he says yes, I'm putting in my two weeks to the design firm."

The red head stood from the bar stool moving to fill a plate of food. " I'm letting you know that this isn't the end. I want to talk more. I want to be around. I will be around more with a job where I don't work 9 to 5. "

Rich really wanted to lean up and give Edward a kiss on the cheek, but he settled for putting his hand on his shoulder and squeezing. " Be safe and call me if you need a ride."

He took the food and walked toward the living room sitting on the black couch.