I feel like there is some kind of congregation in my head, like I have no real reign over what does and doesn't come out of my mouth. I feel like there's this humming. I try to grasp at everything I know, everything I once was. Things are changing-- always changing-- and I'm afraid. I'm not wide-eyed and innocent anymore. I'm not the child, I am the mother, and the leader and the strong one but I feel weakness. The urge to cry and the memory of breathing becomes distant as the black closes in. My heart is racing and breaking at the same time, and I rush while I hesitate, looking back while I rush forward. Propelled by my children, but clinging to what once was; friends, lost loves, family as it once was, even though it wasn't perfect. The answers to questions about my own past, and I am...lonely.. I miss things that I don't want back, and I ask what can never be answered, giving guidance to those who I once needed to guide me. Who am I?

Just a mother who's falling apart because the grass is always greener on the other side, and we never know what we have until it's gone. Do I look back, or hold on to now? What's the point in holding on if it'll be gone all the same? Memories? Are memories the big old secret life has to offer? Because I did not sign for that package; my memory isn't good enough for that. However, by that logic, how would I remember if I signed or not? Who am I? Damned to circle the drain until someone finally pushes me in when I least suspect and most need it.

Among the noise, I have...a moment of clarity, every now and again. I am not just lonely, I am realizing I am alone.