I used to believe in true love.
Even in the dark world I lived in, more shadow than light, I had heard the stories, seen the light, and tried to find my own only to have that light ripped away from me more times than I could count.
I believed in love when I met Jace.
I was so small, then. Too small to know right from wrong, or even my left from my right. He was my prince charming. Even as we grew older, and I made unwise decisions. Even as we lost contact. Even as he fell down the same path as me, and even...the second time he nearly died. Jace Evans had been...everything.
When the war took him, though.. When he came back less than half the man I'd fell in love with all those years ago... I was so drained from needing him, that when he needed me? ... I know he was a great war hero. I knew it was best to keep my mouth shut. To take care of him, and his child. To be the good husband, or wife I was supposed to be.
...
But I wasn't a husband.
I wasn't a wife.
I wasn't married to him, no matter how many times I had asked him. No matter how many times I had run it through my head, or dreamed about it, or how many times he promised me his last name..
I was just Darren.
I had always been... Just Darren.
Cheating on him came easily. An escape from the prison I threw myself in. Even when he caught me, I didn't feel guilty for any of the right reasons. I didn't beg him to keep me around because I loved him, and I didn't promise it would never happen again because I wanted it that way. I knew what the papers would say about the richest family's eldest son, a war hero-- prisoner of war-- come home only to be left behind by his heartless lover. I was already scrutinized. At least begging Jace to keep me would give me a safe place to be... When I looked into his eyes.. I didn't see a light anymore. I didn't feel a warmth like I used to. I only saw the reflection of my own stupid heart breaking before me, and there was nothing I could do but watch it; numb to the pain as I had been since I fell out of love with him.
..I could hear the bell tolling. That was my signal. We were going to be married, after all of these years. I looked down to the ring on my finger-- a beautiful diamond-- only to realize how heavy it was. Jace had finally done it. We finally made it. We were nearing the finish line, and I.. Couldn't stop crying. I shook my head, and I tore the ring off, wanting to slam it down, though all I could muster was setting it down there on the table top in my dressing room. I looked at myself in the mirror, enraged by the sight. Jace accepted me for who I was, for wanting to be female, for the mistakes I had made. He forgave me for cheating, but did he know of my love? That there was none left for me to give? That the me that once needed him, the me that once believed in true love... Had been killed by the very hand that put this engagement ring on my finger in the first place? I calmly got myself out of the dress, and wiped off the make up, shaking all the while, as I got back into the clothes I'd come in. When I left the changing rooms, I knew how late I was. I knew they were all watching. I looked down the aisle, straight to the alter where I could see Jace, and I hung my head, "I don't love you anymore."
I turned my back on him, apologizing under my breath as I ran out of the church. Even if he didn't hear me... He knew I wasn't coming back. I couldn't live in this town any longer.
Even in the dark world I lived in, more shadow than light, I had heard the stories, seen the light, and tried to find my own only to have that light ripped away from me more times than I could count.
I believed in love when I met Jace.
I was so small, then. Too small to know right from wrong, or even my left from my right. He was my prince charming. Even as we grew older, and I made unwise decisions. Even as we lost contact. Even as he fell down the same path as me, and even...the second time he nearly died. Jace Evans had been...everything.
When the war took him, though.. When he came back less than half the man I'd fell in love with all those years ago... I was so drained from needing him, that when he needed me? ... I know he was a great war hero. I knew it was best to keep my mouth shut. To take care of him, and his child. To be the good husband, or wife I was supposed to be.
...
But I wasn't a husband.
I wasn't a wife.
I wasn't married to him, no matter how many times I had asked him. No matter how many times I had run it through my head, or dreamed about it, or how many times he promised me his last name..
I was just Darren.
I had always been... Just Darren.
Cheating on him came easily. An escape from the prison I threw myself in. Even when he caught me, I didn't feel guilty for any of the right reasons. I didn't beg him to keep me around because I loved him, and I didn't promise it would never happen again because I wanted it that way. I knew what the papers would say about the richest family's eldest son, a war hero-- prisoner of war-- come home only to be left behind by his heartless lover. I was already scrutinized. At least begging Jace to keep me would give me a safe place to be... When I looked into his eyes.. I didn't see a light anymore. I didn't feel a warmth like I used to. I only saw the reflection of my own stupid heart breaking before me, and there was nothing I could do but watch it; numb to the pain as I had been since I fell out of love with him.
..I could hear the bell tolling. That was my signal. We were going to be married, after all of these years. I looked down to the ring on my finger-- a beautiful diamond-- only to realize how heavy it was. Jace had finally done it. We finally made it. We were nearing the finish line, and I.. Couldn't stop crying. I shook my head, and I tore the ring off, wanting to slam it down, though all I could muster was setting it down there on the table top in my dressing room. I looked at myself in the mirror, enraged by the sight. Jace accepted me for who I was, for wanting to be female, for the mistakes I had made. He forgave me for cheating, but did he know of my love? That there was none left for me to give? That the me that once needed him, the me that once believed in true love... Had been killed by the very hand that put this engagement ring on my finger in the first place? I calmly got myself out of the dress, and wiped off the make up, shaking all the while, as I got back into the clothes I'd come in. When I left the changing rooms, I knew how late I was. I knew they were all watching. I looked down the aisle, straight to the alter where I could see Jace, and I hung my head, "I don't love you anymore."
I turned my back on him, apologizing under my breath as I ran out of the church. Even if he didn't hear me... He knew I wasn't coming back. I couldn't live in this town any longer.
